Fool's Paradise
by soccercort
Summary: Ok, time to put some meaning behind this PG13 rating.....for language and crude humor. And of course, slash-free (including the Elrond incident w Legolas.......RRRRRIIIIIIPPPP!)
1. Preface

The Untold Adventures of Pip, Mer, and Legos  
  
*note to reader: my grammar sucks, so you will notice that I skip between past and present tenses quite often **another note.this is just a preface  
  
The following is the account of Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Legolas Greenleaf that remains untold to the world outside of Middle Earth. All of that was made up to have a happy ending.well here is a happier and much funnier one. No, Frodo did NOT go to the Grey Havens, but yes, Sam has kids now. Pippin and Merry are still bachelors. Legolas and Gimli did not sail off into the sunset after the death of Aragorn, who is still living and is happily married to Arwen. Gandalf is still out there .somewhere, and still makes the most random visits to Bag End, in which Frodo and Sam's family live.  
  
Anyway, to the point. Merry and Pippin have opened a tavern on the outskirts of the Shire. In Buckland in the East Farthing to be exact, a few miles south of the Brandywine Bridge and on the east side of the River Brandywine.  
  
Having heard the tale of the brave hobbits saving Middle Earth from the Ring of Power, thousands have flocked to the Shire to see where the two (actually four.Merry and Pippin constantly had to remind visitors that they helped to save the world too) hobbits lived. Thus, the sport of tourism begins.  
  
Wanting to get away from all of the tourists but still have customers, the area chosen for the two hobbit's tavern was ideal, for the people of Middle Earth hardly stopped after they came from Bree by means of the East Road once they reached the Shire, but occasionally, when either business was low in Buckland or too high in the Shire, the road signs pointing to the Shire and to Stock would sometimes be pointing in each others directions.and for some reason this always happened when Pippin went out for a 'stroll'. (*authors note: you might want to find some maps of the shire for this.I suggest looking online b/c the ones in the back of FotR are too small to see these details)  
  
Now I know you are all wondering.when is this kid gonna shut up and get to the good stuff? Well patience my friend!  
  
Using their connections through Gimli with the dwarves, the hobbits had a handsome tavern built out of stone mined from Moria, which had been exterminated of all orc and goblin life with the assistance of the elves of Lorien, and was now restored to its former beauty, if not surpassed it.  
  
Legolas provided the seeds for trees that would never die and were ever blooming in different shades of gold, silver, blue, and red depending on the tree, even in the depths of the harshest winters. They had reached full size within a week of planting.  
  
Inside the tavern was filled with roaring fires and several rooms for guests to stay in, including twenty hobbit-sized and ten big folk-sized. Merry and Pippin's own rooms were located over the tavern. When the problem arose about who was going to watch the pub at night, they called upon Legolas, who, having never been to the Shire, was among the tourists seeing the sights of Hobbiton. Being an elf and never needing sleep, he agreed, only on the condition that he could get free drinks, having developed a love for ales with the 'help' of Gimli, who in fact had said that he would never talk to the elf again if he didn't drink at least one ale (talk about peer pressure.such a devastating thing for an elf to lose a friend).  
  
Each of the bartenders donned their own tavern vest: all of them deep blue, almost black, with their name embedded in Common and Elvish on the front. The name of the tavern is Fool's Paradise, a name that suits the beautiful tavern that appeared to be trapped in a state of constant spring time, and the atmosphere of joviality and mischief engulfes it entirely. Times are good and prosperous in these days. Then again.the tavern has been in business for only a month. Now, our story finally begins..in chapter 1  
  
Love and peace Court 


	2. A morning in Fool's Paraise

Meriadoc Brandybuck stirred as the morning light crept onto his window and into his room over the tavern. It was going to be a beautiful spring day in Buckland: the birds were chirping like no tomorrow, and the bees were buzzing outside, drinking the sweet nectar that flowed from the never dieing trees that Legolas had provided. In fact.the bees were a little louder today.something wasn't right. Suddenly a bee flew past his ear and Merry let out a yelp and was up against the wall in all of a second. Looking around for the insect, Merry only saw his buddy Pippin, curled up in stitches against the wall. This wasn't the first time he had been rudely awakened: Pippin had this trick that he did by rubbing his fingers together and then making a buzzing sound in your ear that sounded exactly like a bee.  
  
Between the fits of giggles, Pip managed to blurt out, "Who's the pessy pants now!" No sooner had he said it, Mer felt a warm feeling between his legs that was now tickling down his right leg. When he tried to cover himself up Pip doubled over again. Grabbing a spare pair of trousers from his drawer, Merry dashed for the door, but was smashed between the door and the wall as Legolas dashed into the room.  
  
"What is going on here?" he asked as he saw Pippin, who was now beyond the point of laughter, gasping for breath, tears rolling down his cheeks, holding onto the wall for support while pounding it with his fist. All Pip could do was to manage to point to the door. At first, Legolas didn't understand, but as soon as he felt the door slam into him and he skid across the floor he was perfectly aware of the situation. When he looked over at the door he saw a very disgruntled and very wet-panted hobbit, not glaring at him, but at his friend who was having trouble breathing. No sooner than Legolas could get up to try and stop him, Merry had Pip in a massive noogie, one so violent that he was forced to whelp in pain.  
  
"Uncle! Uncle!" Pip cried.  
  
"Uncle? No, you know what I'm looking for," Merry said with a huge grin on his face, digging his fist harder into Pippins curly hair.  
  
"I'm a pervy orc!" he cried.  
  
"ORC?! WHERE?" said Legolas with a huge grin on his face, drawing his bow and looking for the beast, eventually training it on Pippin. Merry noogied even harder and Pippin's back was arching, trying to get away from his tormentor.  
  
Through much torment and anguish, Pippin cried out "I'M A PANSY!"  
  
Merry let go of him, and Pippin fell in a bundle on the floor whimpering, caressing his head with a hand.  
  
"What the Mordor was that for?!" Pip yelled. Merry just smiled and left the room to change his pants. As he was walking out, Pip said under his breath, "Pessypants." An eyebrow lifted on Legolas' face, and so did his arrow. Pip let out yet another yelp and ran out the door, but not before he had a little addition to his pants: a feathered arrow sticking out between his crotch.  
  
Spring was a busy time in the Shire. Everything was in full bloom, and the damn tourists were flocking to the Hill, never giving poor Frodo and the Gamgees a moments rest. They had sent word a week before that they were going to visit soon to check out the new tavern. Merry and Pippin were looking forward to seeing their friends again, having not seen them since they decided to begin building the tavern with the dwarves last October, and it was now late March. After Merry and Pippin both changed their pants and put on their vests, they went downstairs to awaken any who had fallen asleep at the pub the night before. There weren't many, due to the fact that the weekly changing of the Shire-Stock signs hadn't taken place yet.  
  
The pub was built for hobbits and Big Folk alike: on the inside of the bar there was a step tall enough to make the four and a half foot hobbits stand a foot higher, and on the outside there was a section of the pub that was about a foot and a half shorter than the rest for hobbits and dwarves. There were even special seats for the two races. Business was low but that was okay. Merry was actually thinking about closing the tavern for a day so they could spend some time with Frodo and Sam. Pippin disagreed: if the tavern were closed, people would suspect something because the tavern was always open. In the end Legolas had to step in saying that if there were any customers, who normally never came on Sundays, he would tend to the pub.  
  
While Merry was rolling kegs up from the cellar, Pippin decided to have some more fun, even though he had already had close encounters that nearly prevented him from having little hobbits.  
  
"Ho! Merry! Take a break and have a drink!" Pippin said.  
  
"Gladly. All of this rolling is killing my back. Hey, what have you been doing?" Merry asked, looking at both Pippin's 'innocent' face and Legolas' archery gear.  
  
"Legos left his bow at the pub this morning while he went out to tend to the trees. Don't see why he needs to, they never die. Anyway, what's in that keg? This is one of the ale's right?"  
  
"Yep. Here," said Merry, going over to a self and getting two half-pint mugs, "only a half right now. Can't get tanked before Frodo and Sam get here." But of course that was Pippin's intent: to get Merry as drunk as possible for what he was about to do.  
  
"Oh come on Merry! A whole pint won't hurt!" Pippin pined, giving his puppy dog look at Mer. Merry couldn't resist: besides, they weren't expecting Frodo and Sam until nightfall, and it was early afternoon. He smiled, and replaced the half-pint mugs with two full pints. The two put the keg on the hobbit end of the bar and filled their mugs to the brim. Pippin drank slowly, but Merry downed his ale before Pip was half done, and he quickly filled it again. It wasn't long before the two broke out in song.  
  
"Hey! Ho! To the bottle I go! To heal my heart and drown my woe! Rain may fall, the wind may blow, But there still be.many miles to go! Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain, And the stream that falls from hill to plain! Better than rain or rippling brook," "Is a mug of beer inside this Took!" Pippin finished.  
  
The two laughed, and Merry, a little more drunk than Pip, tripped over himself and landed face first on the floor. As he was watching and laughing at Merry, the floor began to talk!  
  
"The floor is talking Merry!"  
  
"Little orcs? What are little orcs doing on my floor!" the floor asked.  
  
"We aren't orcs! We're hobbits! Shire-folk!" Merry pleaded.  
  
"Don't talk to it Merry! Don't encourage it!" Pippin whispered to Merry. Then the floor was silent, but apparently it was still talking to Merry. Then Pip came to a little and remembered what he was going to do. He smiled gaily (as in HAPPY), and retrieved Legos' archery gear, along with an apple.  
  
"Merry! Come here!" Pippin said. "Wait a minute Pip! The floor is still talking to me!" Merry whined. "Yea and it's telling you to come over here against the wall," Pippin explained. "You're right!" And with that Merry swayed over to the wall and stood there while Pippin put an apple on his head. "Now just hold still," Pippin calmly said. He stood on a wooded crate and raised Legolas' bow and took aim.  
  
TWANG-KRSH  
  
The shot went wide, about three feet left of Merry's head. Merry suddenly realized what was going on. "Pip, are you sure you know what you're doing?" he asked, fidgeting. "Stop moving! I meant to do that!" Pippin said, taking aim again.  
  
TWANG-FWIT  
  
The arrow hit the wall in between Merry's leg, rather close to the crotch. Merry let out a yelp as it ricocheted just past his face.  
  
"Okay that's it! I'm gone!" Merry yelled as Pippin took aim again. Merry jumped and the apple flew into the air as Merry staggered to the door outside. As the apple hung in midair in almost slow motion, Pip let the arrow fly.  
  
TWANG-SPLAT  
  
The apple busted into pieces, covering the wall in applesauce. It was then that, upon hearing Merry's yell, that Legolas busted into the tavern, again pinning Merry against the wall with the door. Legolas' eyes narrowed as he looked over to see Pippin holding his bow with a guilty grin covering his face, along with a lot of applesauce.  
  
"Oh shit," Pippin said under his breath.  
  
He ran (or rather nanced) over to the hobbit and snatched the bow away from him and picking him up by the ankles and lifting him up to eye level  
  
"What were you doing?! You would have killed someone!" Legos yelled. "It was just a bit of. *HIC*.fun!" Pippin whined. Legolas got the full blast of the alcohol on Pip's breath.  
  
"You've been shooting under the influence!" Legos yelled, shaking the hobbit. As soon as his eyes stopped rolling, Pippin smiled, grinned, and said, "Yep!"  
  
"Fool of a Took! I'm going to have to put you up in a tree until you are sober enough to climb down!" Legos put his archery gear in a VERY high place, and still holding him by the ankles, climbed up the ladder that he was using to climb up into the trees with. Sitting Pippin about halfway up the tree, Legolas felt sure that the hobbit wouldn't be able to figure out how to get down for a good two hours.  
  
When he went back to the tavern, the door was closed. Suspecting the worst, he stood back, and kicked the door open. No one was there, but there was a painful moaning coming from behind the door that sounded strangely familiar. Oh it's nothing Legolas thought, and he went back outside to tend to the trees again.  
  
Well I must wrap this up now. Hope this is enough! More to come soon!  
  
Love and peace, Court  
  
Ps I hope this is a little easier on the eyes 


	3. Barking up the wrong tree

**well I see disclaimers galore everywhere so I will have one too: I DO NOT own any material from Lord of the Rings (the books or movie)  
  
Anyway, this is the follow up of what happens to Pip while he's stuck up a tree in his drunken state...the next chapter will be about the 'adventure' that Legos and drunken Merry have while Pip is still up the tree..but you have to wait for that one  
  
Barking Up the Wrong Tree  
  
Peregrin Took was leaning against the trunk of the tree that Legolas had just dragged him up to. The very drunk hobbit was looking around at his surroundings as if they were the most fascinating things in the Shire. He could hear Legolas tending to the other trees, but he didn't care. Suddenly he looked down and there was a squirrel sitting in his lap.  
  
"Hello squirrel!" Pippin said with a huge grin the ear to ear.  
  
"Excuse me?" said the squirrel. "That's Mr. Squirrel to you!"  
  
Pip was amazed. Not only had he talked to a floor today, but also a squirrel!  
  
"You can talk?" he asked.  
  
"No, you're just drunk," said Mr. Squirrel.  
  
"Oh okay," Pip said. He ignored the fact that the squirrel really wasn't talking and kept talking anyway. "How do you like the trees?"  
  
"They're okay. I wish they had more nuts though," said the squirrel.  
  
"Nuts? Trees don't need nuts! Hobbits, Elves, Dwarves, even Men need nuts! What do trees need them for?" Pippin said, almost falling out of the tree in frustration. The squirrel just stared at him blankly, completely missing the point.  
  
"The trees need nuts to feed us squirrels master hobbit. That's what they are for," the squirrel explained.  
  
"Poor trees!" Pippin said, almost crying.  
  
Mr. Squirrel tried to console Pippin, climbing over his shoulder and patting his curly hair, when in actuality he was searching him for nuts (*keep your heads out of the gutter).  
  
"But why?" Pippin asked. A single tear fell from one of his green eyes and fell onto Mr. Squirrel. Frightened, Mr. Squirrel leaped off Pippin and up the tree.  
  
"MR. SQUIRREL! COME BACK!" Pip shouted. Mr. Squirrel didn't come back. But because of all the racket he was making, Legolas threw an apple at Pippin, hitting him in the head. Pippin now dazed and confused even more looked around for the thrower laying his eyes on the tree, which blinked, and then looking back toward the ground. Realizing what he just saw, Pip looked back at the tree in utter shock.  
  
"UH!"  
  
He backed away from the trunk onto a thick branch. The tree blinked several times more and a memory came back to Pippin.  
  
"Treebeard?" he asked the tree.  
  
"Treebeard? No, I am Treestubble," the tree said.  
  
"Are you related to Treebeard?" he asked.  
  
"No. I'm not talking, you're just drunk," said Treestubble.  
  
"Oh," Pippin said, looking dejected, but came back with a foolish grin and said, "Okay! This is fun! I'm talking to things that really aren't talking!"  
  
Legolas, hearing Pippin's conversation with a squirrel and the tree, decided that the hobbit was more drunk than he thought, and went back inside the tavern to check up on Merry since he had not seen him...then the thought of the moaning behind the door came back to him.  
  
(back to the tree now)  
  
"Who was that?" Treestubble asked as he watched a tall person walk back into the tavern.  
  
"Who? The elf?" Pippin said.  
  
"Yes. Who is the elf?" Treestubble said.  
  
"Oh that's Legolas. He's a pretty elf who nances waaay too much. You should see him nance. It's very funny. You should have seen him at Rivendell! He nanced every where, he was so happy to see elves again. Especially Arwen. He hit on her a lot, but she was in love with Aragorn. He got in such a pout that he actually went into Lord Elrond's wardrobe and put on his favorite purple dress. I tried to tell him purple wasn't really his color, but he only proceeded in putting on Lord Elrond's favorite headband. He looked rather stupid, but seeing as I had recently become his new target for practice, I chose not to comment," Pippin said, chuckling at the memories. He was expecting Treestubble to laugh as well, but his eyes were no longer blinking, and in fact were no longer there. Another figment of his imagination gone.  
  
Pippin had now been in the tree for almost an hour and a half. Most of the alcohol had warn off and he was looking for a way to get out of the tree, but it appeared that Legolas had taken the ladder and put it down flat at the base of the trunk as a joke. It was going to be a while before the elf came back outside to get him and there was no way calling for help was going to do any good.  
  
Bored, he was looking around the tree for anything that might amuse him. His eyes searched around until they laid upon an acorn. He reached up, fingering the nut, and pulled it off, muttering a quiet "Sorry" to the tree.  
  
He began to bounce the acorn in his hand, trying to keep it from falling to the ground. He actually got up to twenty-three before the nut went wildly in front of him and he stupidly reached out to get it, falling out of the tree. He let out a shriek that pierced the air as he fell to the ground.  
  
As Sam heard the shriek, he instictivly pulled Mr. Frodo to the ground. All he managed to do was created a slightly softer landing for the Fool of a Took. Pippin landed on his back on top of Sam, who had the breath knocked clean out of him. Pippin stood up and dusted himself off. Spotting Frodo, he cheerfully greeted him.  
  
"Frodo! You're early! Where's good ol' Sam?" Pippin's answer was a very winded "Here" underneath him.  
  
Pippin hopped off his hobbit friend and pulled him up, apologizing.  
  
"Sorry about that Sam! But thanks for being there for me!" Pippin said with a wink (keep 'em out of the gutters..no slash in here).  
  
"Trust a Took! Where are Merry and Legolas?" Sam asked, picking up his backpack.  
  
"Inside. Come on! Follow me!" Pippin said, and with a huge smile on his face, led his two comrades to Fool's Paradise.  
  
More to come!!! What happened to Merry while Pip was up a tree? You have to wait til I get back to my computer to write!  
  
Love and Peace, Court 


	4. A single hair is lost

** well now that we know what happened to Pippin while he was drunk up a tree....now we get to see what happened to Merry and Legolas! Keep in mind that Merry is waaaaaaay more drunk than Pip ((((  
  
**just a little secret more reviews means faster postings  
  
Legolas Greenleaf felt at peace for the first time in days knowing that Pippin couldn't cause any trouble in the tree he placed him in. There was still the lingering worry about Merry, who was laying dead drunk back in the tavern. Or did he hit him with the door again? It didn't matter; he could go back to 'tending' the trees in peace. These trees would never die, so long as they had what they needed. Their beautiful flowers were always in bloom and when their leaves did shed, they shed in shades of gold and silver, only to be replaced by sunrise with bright green buds of new leaves. It was an amazing sight to see, but the trees required something a little more special than water to keep them growing.  
  
Seeing that the drunken hobbit in the tree was very busy in conversation with a squirrel, who was crawling all over him, Legolas got down to business. Gross as it was, Elvin urine was very nutritious to the trees. All he had to do was...well do his thing once every four or five months on each tree and that was that. Legolas was almost done with the last tree when Pippin suddenly yelled from his tree.  
  
"MR. SQUIRREL! COME BACK!"  
  
This outburst by the intoxicated hobbit had caused the elf to jump which caused him to hit the trunk and sputter himself in his own urine. Infuriated at the hobbit and himself for leaving his bow inside, Legolas picked up a nearby apple that he had been nibbling on and chucked it at Pippin, hitting him smack in the head. Feeling a strong urge to rid his clothes and hair of the rancid smell of fish, the elf made his way to the tavern. He could now hear Pippin talking to the tree he was sitting in.  
  
'~Stupid hobbit~' he thought.  
  
When he went back to the tavern, he again found the door closed. He tried to slowly pry the door open, but it wouldn't budge. He pushed harder and was able to open the door just a hair. He heard an unsuppressed laugh come from behind the door, as if a child were trying to hide a giggle.  
  
Legolas walked away from the door about five paces and charged at the door.  
  
This time the door opened without resistance and instead of hearing it slam against the wall, he heard the same moaning he had heard time and time again when he opened doors around the tavern. Jumping out of the way just in time, a slamming door revealed Merry to Legolas. He was clad in his tunic from Rohan with a pot as a helmet and a large pan as a shield and was actually holding his short sword that he had used during the War of the Ring. It was a rather imposing sight aside from the fact that the small warrior was only four and half feet tall and was swaying side to side.  
  
What Legolas didn't see was his archery gear behind Merry in the shadow of a high-backed chair. Legolas began to advance on Merry to disarm him when the hobbit yelled out, "STOP SMELLY!! I'M NOT READY!!" His voice cracked with every syllable. He reached behind the chair and also pulled out a stool. Legolas had decided to grab a swig of ale while he was waiting for Merry to get ready. When he turned to face his 'opponent', he sprayed what ale was left in his mouth all over the counter of the highly polished counter.  
  
Merry was standing on the stool with his archery gear, taking aim at the elf.  
  
Legolas managed to jump the bar before Merry let the arrow fly. Fortunately he wasn't as good...or rather he had a worse shot than Pippin. Pippin didn't have a good shot to begin with. The shot went wild and hit one of the kegs, squirting ale in little spurts all over the pub. Placing his hands on the counter, Legolas slowly pulled himself up, only to immediately go back down when a better aimed shot came at him, this one so close he could feel the breeze in his ear.  
  
The elf was trying to figure out how the hobbit had reached his gear when he saw one of the hobbit-sized stools on the bigger side of the bar. It was enough to allow a four and a half foot hobbit to reach up and tip down his gear.  
  
Then the elf got an idea. Legolas went over to the area inside the bar where the stood was still standing. He slapped his hand on top of the bar and fingered around for the stool. When he felt it, he grabbed it and pulled in down quickly into the bartending area. Legolas stood up and took aim with the stool, but before he could launch it at the hobbit, Merry let another arrow go TWANG.  
  
It went just past Legos' pointed ear, but not without consequence. A single hair fell to the floor. It fell in slow motion as the elf saw one of his perfect golden hairs leave his head forever. Sadness then fury welled up inside Legolas as Merry watched the elf look in horror as an invisible object fell to the floor. Legolas pout for a split second, and then locked eyes with him in a death stare. His eyes narrowed. Narrowing eyes were a bad thing if you were a hobbit who was doing something wrong.  
  
Losing his balance, the stool and Merry fell to the floor, but the hobbit got up quickly, droping the bow, and ran for his room. Legolas jumped the bar and chased after him, but he didn't have to. While Merry was running out of pure terror and looking over his shoulder, he slipped on the small puddle of ale that had accumulated from the squirting of the leaking keg he had shot. His feet fell out from underneath him. (note at this point Pippin is beginning to tell Treestubble about Legolas's adventures w/ Elrond's dresses)  
  
Legolas slowly and deliberately walked over to the fallen hobbit. His pot- helmet had rolled across the room and his sword and shield were of no use to him since he had left them when he dropped the elf's bow. Legolas stooped down to where the hobbit lay and stared him in the eye. Merry had never seen the elf so pissed before.  
  
Pulling some rope from his belt, Legolas very expertly hog-tied Merry and then drained the remaining ale from the leaking keg into a pint. He gulped the last of it and opened the keg. It was a fairly large keg; large enough for a large hobbit to fit inside.  
  
Then a thought came to his mind. It would be much more fun if he could stuff Merry and Pippin in a keg and send them down the hill behind the tavern at the same time so he could get at least an hours rest. However, he did leave Merry hog-tied on the floor while he cleaned up the bar and put his gear in an even higher place where Merry couldn't see.  
  
He had been cleaning for about half an hour when he heard an ungodly shriek come from outside. He rushed to the window only to see that Pippin had fallen out of his tree and had fallen on top of Sam. He shook his head and went back to the pub to inspect his work. He flicked away a small piece of dirt off the bar and was satisfied.  
  
Merry was still hob-tied, but had now managed to crawl over to his sword and was cutting himself free. Legolas didn't care. If he was sober enough to use his sword to set himself free, fine. At least he wasn't trying to kill him anymore. Then the thought of his hair came back to him. He jumped the bar and got down on his hands and knees, looking for the hair.  
  
"TIG! TUG! TOG!!"  
  
BANG  
  
Legolas jumped as Merry started shouting words to his and Pippin's insane yet fun game, causing him to hit his head very hard on the lip of the bar. Then he saw his hair. He picked it up and put it in one of the pockets on his vest. Nursing his head, he looked around and saw Merry jumping and skipping around the room.  
  
Either he was very happy to know that Frodo and Sam were coming or he was still drunk. Legolas quickly ruled out the fact that he was happy to see his companions and decided he was still drunk. Walking around the bar this time, Legolas swiftly caught up with Merry, grabbed him by the arm and yelled a single word.  
  
"TAG!"  
  
With that, Legolas raced out the door as slammed it behind him. He could hear Pippin and Sam and Frodo talking merrily as they came close to rounding the bend in the path.  
  
"Five...four...three..two..one..." Legolas violently forced open the door.  
  
His timing was perfect. Merry was once again pinned behind the door, moaning. He bolted back inside and gently closed the door just before the trio of hobbits rounded the corner.  
  
Merry was now a very pissed off and still drunk hobbit. Legolas picked him up under the arms and put him in a stool. Merry just glared at Legolas. Then he started bursting out laughing as if the sight of the elf was the funniest thing in the world. Legolas handed him a pint and Merry smiled all the more gaily just as the three hobbits entered a Fool's Paradise.  
  
Hope all 4 of my loyal fans like! Course I'd like to have more fan support so please R/R with some ideas that you think would be funny  
  
Love and Peace  
  
Court 


	5. A bad case of the Runs

**a/n- on a personal note that last chapter SUCKED but I am going thru with the plans to bring my 4 (count 'em 4!) fans [and holding] the much anticipated 'tig episode'..please excuse me if I get carried away and go on about this for weeks with mindless tig after tag for 2 or 3 chapters..anyway, this is what happens between the time that Pip lands on Sam and the time they enter a fools paradice  
  
A bad case of the runs  
  
Frodo Baggins had been looking forward to visiting Merry and Pippin's tavern for some time. It was an excellent excuse for getting away from the tourists that stalked him day in and day out. There were even a few girls who now called themselves 'fan girls'. He hadn't asked Sam to come along, but when the Gamgee saw his friend leaving Bag End with a backpack and a walking stick, he pulled his speech about Gandalf telling him to never leave him.  
  
They had left Bag End earlier than expected, about an hour before second breakfast. They hadn't sent word to their friends that they were coming early, but they were sure the two marauders wouldn't mind.  
  
They set off towards the East Farthing, going south of the East Road to avoid tourists. Once they reached the border of Buckland, the two settled down for a rather late luncheon that boiled over into a short afternoon tea.  
  
Frodo began to feel sick and tried to releave himself only to find that he was constipated. Sam pulled out a pouch that contained a laxative that Gandalf had given him during their quest. He gave the pouch to Frodo and told him to put only two pinches of the powder in his tea. Then they packed up and set off for the tavern.  
  
Their path turned north when they came to River Brandywine, which they followed until they came to Bucklebury Ferry, which they passed by in silence. The thought of the Black Riders came back into mind. They moved on.  
  
"What's that Mr. Frodo?" Sam said. Frodo lifted his eyes from his feet and looked up to see the most beautiful sight in all the Shire. They had wandered onto a path that further ahead was shaded by trees so magnificent that even elves would stare in awe. (*must I explain what the trees look like again? It will save you time and eyesight if I don't*)  
  
As they entered the grove-lined path, they looked up in amazement, paying no attention to a hobbit playing with an acorn until too late Sam saw him fall from his branch.  
  
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
Sam managed to pull Frodo to the ground before the screaming hobbit hit him with full force. He was dazed and confused for a minute as the figure who fell on him stood up on his back and greeted them.  
  
"Frodo! You're early! Where's good ol' Sam?"  
  
It was Pippin. Not only was his strong Took accent a dead giveaway, but no one else was stupid enough to land on someone, stand on their back, and ask where they are.  
  
"Here," Sam grunted with what little breath he had. Pippin jumped a little in surprise and hopped off him, and helped him get back to his feet.  
  
"Sorry about that Sam! But thanks for being there for me!" Pippin said with a wink.  
  
"Trust a Took!" Sam said, dusting himself of dirt and grass and picking up his backpack. "Where are Merry and Legolas?"  
  
"Oh inside! Come on! Follow me!"  
  
"Like we have a choice..." Sam said under his breath. It was then that Sam realized that Frodo hadn't said a word since before Pippin fell from the tree. He turned around to see a wide eyed Mr. Frodo, gasping for breath.  
  
"Mr. Frodo? Frodo! What's wrong?!" Sam yelled, shaking Frodo. Pippin turned and ran over to see what was wrong.  
  
"Frodo? Did you eat some bad mushrooms or something?" Pippin said. Frodo just gasped again, and his eyes were beginning to tear up.  
  
"Oh wait a minute. Mr. Frodo, how many pinches of Gandalf's laxative did you put in your tea this afternoon?" Sam asked.  
  
Frodo swayed over to a tree and held up a hand, indicating five fingers.  
  
"FIVE? Crickey Mr. Frodo, don't you know that that will give you the runs for days?"  
  
Frodo's eye widened even more as he grabbed his rear end and ran around the tree.  
  
"So how many days to you think he'll have the shits?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Well that's a little insensitive. But who cares. I'd say three or four," Sam said.  
  
"Three or four?! The taverns going to have to be closed due to a bad case of the runs? No way, Frodo's sleeping OUTSIDE!" Pippin said, crossing his arms as if it was final.  
  
The sound of Frodo 'relieving' himself was audible, and the smell was smellable. Sam and Pippin held their noses and walked away a few steps. They were far enough away that Frodo's groans were just out of earshot.  
  
"So anyway, how's Bag End?" Pippin asked Sam.  
  
"Too many damn tourists. Never get a moments sleep! Rosie and I have it hard enough with little hobbits running around! I wish she could come too and bring the little ones, but she has to tend to the Green Dragon," Sam said.  
  
"Sorry to hear it," Pippin said, a little envious that more people went to the Green Dragon than Fool's Paradise, but it was for the better. They didn't want to be famous. Pippin lowered his voice and asked Sam, "You haven't told him about tig yet have you?"  
  
"Not at all. Have you?"  
  
"Nope. Neither have Merry or Legolas to my knowledge."  
  
"Legolas knows?! How could you!" Sam almost yelled, quieting himself to a whisper.  
  
"We had to! Legolas was going crazy and pouring out perfectly good ale and using us for target practice until we told him!" Pippin said, waving his arms about in exasperation.  
  
"Well fine...but no more!" Sam said, shaking a finger at Pip.  
  
"Of course. Cross m'heart." Pippin said laying a hand on his chest.  
  
Frodo was finished for now, and was prepared to walk with Sam and Pippin up the path to the tavern.  
  
"Ready Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.  
  
"I think so Sam. So long as I don't get the shits again before we get there," Frodo said with smile.  
  
"Great. Let's go," Pippin said. They continued up the path until they came to a bend. There Pippin stopped them and posed dramatically.  
  
"Now, what you are about to witness is a thing to great and beautiful to describe! Its stones come from Moria!" Pippin said, pointing to the west. "Its trees come from Mirkwood and Lothlorien!" Pippin pointed his other arm over toward the East, even though Mirkwood and Lorhlorien too were to the west. "And the cellar is the largest in the Shire!" Pippin made a sort of rainbow with his arms. Sam and Frodo were not amused.  
  
"Shut up Pippin," they said simultainiously.  
  
Pippin looked dejected and with a droning voice said, "Welcome to Fool's Paradise."  
  
Frodo and Sam rounded the bend and laid their eyes on the tavern. Pippin had reason to gloat. Its masonry was like that in Moria to a much smaller scale, and yet as they walked up the path toward the entrance, they could see through the windows the wooden Elvin craftsmanship blended with that of a regular tavern on the inside.  
  
Pippin opened the door for his friends, and they entered to find Legolas and Merry greeting them in a Fool's Paradise.  
  
**hope you like this better than the last one! Tig is coming up next chapter PROMISE!!!**  
  
love and peace  
  
Court 


	6. May I tig your tag?

***drum role please...or maybe not, but this is the tig chapter! Long awaited by my four fans, I finally got the time to write it back to back with the last chapter. Amazing neh? Actually, not really no. But still, enjoy!  
  
Can I tig your tag?  
  
Samwise Gamgee was thoroughly content by the fact that he and Frodo had finally reached Merry and Pippin's tavern. They had been traveling all day, and Frodo's recent case of the runs hadn't helped them the least.  
  
As Pippin opened the iron-clad door (which over it had a wooden sign reading "Fool's Paradise" in Common and Elfish) to the tavern, the two hobbits were struck with awe. The Green Dragon and Prancing Pony were nothing compared to what they saw.  
  
"Is it real Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked his companion, rubbing his eyes.  
  
"I think so Sam," Frodo said in reply, about to rub his own eyes but then remembered that he hadn't washed his hands since Gandalf's laxative went into effect. He thought better of it and decided to wait before shaking hands with anyone.  
  
Legolas and Merry were inside, Legolas polishing a few mugs and Merry grinning like a fool, obviously still very drunk.  
  
Inside it was huge. It was a little cold, but the heat from the roaring fires could be felt like a blanket on a cold night. The pub was in the center, with bar stools surrounding it. Frodo and Sam were most pleased by the hobbit sized end of the pub. There were tables with benches around the bar up close to the walls, leaving plenty of room for dancing, or on Pint Night, when the second pint was free, it was more like stumbling.  
  
Behind the bar, there was staircase leading up, obviously to Merry, Pippin, and Legolas's rooms, a staircase to the cellar, and a hall to the right that lead to the guest rooms.  
  
Then Sam noticed Legolas and Merry's uniform vests.  
  
"Matching vests? Never seen those before. Merry, stand up and let me have a look at you," Sam said. Merry didn't respond; he just kept on staring off into space, still grinning.  
  
"Allow me," said Pippin. He grabbed his vest off the coat hanger next to the door. He put it on and turned around in a circle, showing off the fine vest. The deep blue cloth had a mystical effect in the half light of the fires. Sam and Frodo gathered around Pippin as he showed them his name embedded on the front.  
  
"See?" he said, "It's in Common and Elfish."  
  
"I still can't get over how tall you two are!" said Sam, scanning the two hobbits up and down, though Merry was seated it was still obvious that he was taller than your average hobbit.  
  
"I agree. You need to go back to Fangorn sometime and get some of those Ent drafts for us!" said Frodo.  
  
" 'fraid we can't Frodo. Can't have any other hobbits taller than us and breaking Bullroarer's record now can we?" Pippin said.  
  
"AHEM!" came a voice from behind the bar.  
  
Frodo and Sam turned around to see a very disgruntled Legolas, vigorously polishing a mug.  
  
"Of course! How rude of us!" said Frodo, "How are you Legolas?"  
  
"I could be better. The hobbits decided to have a couple of drinks a few hours ago and completely destroyed the tavern," he said.  
  
Pippin shuffled his feet has he met with Legolas's piercing narrowed eyes. He abruptly changed the subject.  
  
"So anyway, Frodo and Sam! Let me take your bags up to the guest rooms."  
  
Frodo handed Pippin his bags, but Sam promptly dropped it on Pip's foot.  
  
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Pippin's girlish scream was now his trademark. In reaching down to nurse his foot, he dropped Frodo's bag on his other foot. His eyes welled up in tears and was forced to sit down.  
  
Merry started giggling so hard that he fell down to the floor, rolling around with a now empty mug.  
  
Sam and Frodo just stared.  
  
"So anyway, while these two fools recover themselves, do you want a drink?" Legolas asked.  
  
"I'll have an ale Legos," Sam said. Legolas nodded and began fixing the drink.  
  
"How about you Frodo?" he asked.  
  
"I'll pass," Frodo said, looking a little nauseated.  
  
"You sure?" Legolas persisted.  
  
"He's sure Legos," said Sam. He lowered his voice down to a mocking whisper and said, "He's got the shits."  
  
"Awwwwww," Legolas said out of fake sympathy, ruffling Frodo's hair as he handed Sam his pint. He went back to polishing mugs.  
  
"Well at least I don't smell like piss," Frodo said. Sam smelled it too and wrinkled his nose.  
  
"Huh?" Legolas was shocked. He lifted up his arm to smell himself and he instantly remembered that he had forgotten to shower after he accidentally sprayed himself earlier!  
  
Legolas dropped the mug he was polishing and dashed for the bathing room without another word.  
  
Sam and Frodo laughed and for a moment he forgot about his diarrhea. When it came back a few seconds later it hit him like a Dwarfish hammer.  
  
"Merry! Pippin! Where are your toilets!" he shouted urgently, grabbing his rear end.  
  
Pippin had stopped sobbing over his foot but Merry was still rolling on the floor, giggling. Pippin hadn't seen Legolas's mad dash toward the bathing room.  
  
"You'll have to use our bathing room," Pippin said. "It's upstairs, second room on the." Pippin didn't get to finish. Frodo had sprinted up the stairs already. "Left." Pippin finished.  
  
"Sam, let's go grab a seat by the fire. By the way, where is Legolas?" Pippin asked.  
  
"He went to go get a bath. He smelled like piss," Sam said.  
  
Pippin's eyes lit up. "That explains it!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Explains what?" Sam asked as he sat down, sipping his ale.  
  
"Oh, nothing," Pippin said with a twinkle in his eye. Then his smile fell and he spaced out for a second. "Sam, you said that Legos went to get a bath?"  
  
"Yep. What's wrong?" Sam said.  
  
"Well if Frodo walks in on Legolas while he's taking a bath there will be hell to pay."  
  
As soon as the words left his mouth, there was a shout of surprise from upstairs followed by a bellowing roar.  
  
"GET OUT!!!! NNNOOOWWW!!!!!"  
  
SLAM  
  
TWANG  
  
CREAK  
  
SLAM  
  
Frodo had slammed the door to Legolas's bathroom, ran across the hall, opened the hobbit's bathroom, and slammed the door. He only just made it.  
  
"Right. The bags.." Pippin said, looking over at the bags. He picked up Sam's and took them down the hall to one of the hobbit rooms. When he came back, Sam was still sipping on his ale, not paying attention to anything. Merry had just begun to recover himself.  
  
He picked up Frodo's bags and threw them outside. He closed the door and the deed was done. He wiped his hands on his trousers just as Sam turned around.  
  
"What were you doing?" he asked.  
  
"Frodo's sleeping outside remember?" Pippin said, the twinkle back in his eyes.  
  
"He most certainly isn't!" Sam said, setting down his pint and getting up to his feet. Pippin put his hands on Sam's shoulders and forced him back down into his seat saying, "Whoa there. He's got the shits remember? If he's inside, he's in YOUR room. You'll have to put up with him all night."  
  
Sam thought about this for a moment and decided it wasn't worth it to share a room with Frodo while he had the runs. He stayed in his chair and sipped on his ale again. Merry had regained his posture somewhat and staggered over to Sam and Pippin.  
  
"What's going on?" Merry said with a stupid grin. Sam and Pippin just looked at each other and said, "Nothing."  
  
"Okay!" Merry said, happy as could be.  
  
"Sorry about that mates," came a voice from behind them. Frodo was standing there, hands in his pockets looking rather embarrassed. "I walked in on Legolas."  
  
"I tried to tell you which door but noooooooo you just HAD to run off and go to the door on the RIGHT. Serves you right," said Pippin.  
  
"You walked in on Legolas? HAHAHAHAHA!" Merry started giggling again, doubling over and getting the hiccups as well.  
  
"Shut up," Frodo said, pushing Merry, causing him to fall down.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Merry was still laughing.  
  
"Anyway." Sam began, but was interrupted by Merry's shouting.  
  
"HAHAHA!! TIG!! HAHAHA!"  
  
"Tig? I remember that!" said Frodo, looking enthusiastic.  
  
"Really?" said Pippin, winking at Sam while Frodo wasn't looking. "Let's play! Merry get up! We're going to play tig!"  
  
Merry managed to get up to his feet and stumble over towards a chair as Pippin began the game. (ok folks, Frodo is F, Sam is S, Pippin is P, Merry is M, Legolas is L)  
  
"Okay, I'll go first, then Sam, then Merry, then Frodo? Got it? Okay, tig!" P  
  
"Tog" S  
  
"Tigtag" M  
  
"Tug?" F  
  
"Frodo! You've already tigtag crisscrossed!" P  
  
"Ok ok..ummm..tog?" F  
  
"NO!" SMP  
  
"Forget it" F  
  
"Fine..tigtag" P  
  
"Tigtog" S  
  
"Tag!" M  
  
"Tigtig" F  
  
"NO!!!" SMP  
  
"WHAT?" F  
  
"How many times 'lijah you can't double tig a tag!" M  
  
"Who's 'lijah?" F  
  
"Oops..nevermind" M  
  
"Togtug" P  
  
"Tigtag" S  
  
"Tug" M  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second. I can't tug on a tigtag but Merry can?" F  
  
"Yea because I togtugged before Sam tigtagged." P  
  
"What?!?" F  
  
"Forget it..your turn Pip" S  
  
"Tagtog" P  
  
"Tug" S  
  
"Tigtog" M  
  
"Didn't he tigtag crisscross?" F  
  
"NO!" SMP  
  
"Shut up and play Frodo, it's your turn" P  
  
"Tag"  
  
"NOOO!" SMP  
  
"THAT is a tigtag crisscross!" M  
  
"Ok, we've let you get away with enough.get down on your knees and drop your trousers!!!" P  
  
"WHAT?" F  
  
"DO IT DO IT DO IT!!" SM  
  
"Fine" F  
  
"AW FRODO!!! What IS that smell?!" P  
  
"Heh heh heh heh heh" F  
  
"PULL THEM UP PULL THEM UP!" MP  
  
Sam passes out in the chair due to the smell as Legolas walks in. He sees the hobbits playing tig and sits down in a chair, the smell of Frodo overwhelmed by strawberry scented soap. "Ok Legos, you take Sam's place. You're after me." P  
  
"Okay..whose turn is it?" L  
  
"Mine..tag" P  
  
"Tog" L  
  
"Tigtag" M  
  
"Tig"  
  
"NOOO!!" LMP  
  
"You can't tig me after a tigtag! Now do an Oliphant impresson!" P  
  
"Do a what? No way!" F  
  
"Do it or get out!" M  
  
"Alright! **BURRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU**!!!" F  
  
"YEA Frodo!" M  
  
"Very nice" L  
  
"Oh shut up. Why can't you just tell me the secret?!" F  
  
" 'Cause" M  
  
"Because why?" F  
  
"Here I'll whisper it in your ear" P  
  
"Okay?" F  
  
BUZZZZZZZZZ  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" F "A BEE! A BEE!"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA" LMP  
  
"Very funny" F  
  
"Whose turn is it?" L  
  
"Mine" P "Togtug"  
  
"Tug" M  
  
"NO! It's my turn!" L  
  
"Sorry mate" M  
  
"TAG TIG TUG!" L  
  
"TRIPLE SKIPPY!" MP  
  
"Tig?" F  
  
"NO!" LMP  
  
"Then what do I say?!" F  
  
"GIT!" P  
  
"GUTGOT!" L  
  
"GATGIT!" M  
  
"Gat?" F  
  
"You idiot! Triple skippy is over!" P  
  
"Oh" F "Can we stop now? My head hurts."  
  
"AWWWW!!!!!!" LMP  
  
"Come on Frodo!" M  
  
"Yes, come on, we'll go easy on you!" L  
  
"Frodo! You pansy!"  
  
"Nope. I'm quitting" F  
  
"Fine..." LMP  
  
Sam woke up in his chair, smelling the sweet smell of strawberrys.  
  
"Whose turn is it?" he asked.  
  
"No ones Sam. Frodo quit," said Legolas.  
  
"No! Just one more round Frodo?" Sam pleaded.  
  
"Yea, another round of ale. I don't care if I have the shits, I'm gonna have the shits and have fun," said Frodo.  
  
"I'll drink to that!" cheered Pippin. He went down to the cellar to get a keg of their best ale.  
  
"Say, I think it's high time for supper. Aren't you hungry?" Merry asked Frodo and Sam.  
  
"Famished. I guess I forgot how hungry I was while we were playing tig," said Sam.  
  
"I'll go get some mushrooms and lembas bread..I'm afraid that's all we have seen that SOMEONE forgot to go to the market this week," Legolas said, shooting a glance at Merry, who was whistling and twiddling his thumbs.  
  
"That's fine. Anything will do right now," said Frodo as he and Sam pulled themselves up to sit at the bar. Merry walked behind the bar and began serving Frodo and Sam more ale.  
  
"OI! Legolas! Come on, sit down and have a pint!" Merry yelled across the room. Legolas couldn't resist the invitation. He sat down next to Frodo and Sam and drank to his hearts content.  
  
*Hope all 4 of my fans like! And I hope it's long enough...9 pages..dang, sorry I'll try to keep them shorter..if my work pleases you please R&R. if there are any mistakes please ignore them because 9 pages is a lot to look though  
  
love and peace  
  
Court 


	7. An almost close to neardeath experience

** I have decided to try a new approach to my work. Seeing that half the things that happen at school are hysterically funny and Legolas, Pippin, Merry, and Frodo (we haven't found our Sam yet) are based on me (Pippin), two friends (Legos and Mer), and one very messed up (just kidding!) person who is our poor Frodo: the one who has NO idea what is going on...wow I trailed off there. Let me start over. The stories that I write from now on are mostly going to be about things that happen in our lives and/or inside jokes. Here we go with the most recent and 'tragic'!!!  
  
An almost close to near-death experience...ALMOST  
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck was happily serving Frodo, Samwise, and Legolas drinks while Peregrin was rolling up another keg from the cellar. He was feeling thoroughly refreshed while doing so, as it gave him something to do; and doing something always helped him sober up.  
  
"Another round Merry!" Frodo cried out. He was a little redder in the cheeks than usual and was swaying to and fro. As Merry filled his mug for the third time, Frodo leaned back and nearly fell out of his stool and would have if it weren't for the quick thinking of Sam and Legolas, who were sitting on either side of him.  
  
"Whoa there! You've had a whole pint already!" said Sam.  
  
"I think maybe you should lie down, Master Frodo," said Legolas, sitting him up straight on his stool.  
  
Frodo blinked. "Did you just call me 'Master Frodo'?"  
  
"Ai"  
  
"Don't. Dude, it's just scary."  
  
"Well Gimli says 'Master Elf', and I call him 'Master Dwarf'. So why can't I call you Master Frodo?"  
  
"It's just sounds wrong!"  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be drunk and unable to string words together?"  
  
"Oh right!" Frodo said with a huge grin as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he tipped back again. This time Legolas ignored him and let Sam do the rescuing.  
  
Did I say rescuing? I meant falling in an attempt to save.  
  
Sam put his full weight behind Frodo, but in doing so was pulled out of his stool as well as Frodo fell to the floor. Sam landed on his back, gasping for breath.  
  
"WEEEEEEE!!!" Frodo said, delayed about five seconds after the fall. Sam rolled out from under his friend and picked up Frodo by the collar and led him over to the fire before he started back over to the bar. It was then that Pippin came up, rolling a rather large keg.  
  
"We've been letting this baby sit for about ten years. Merry and I brewed it before the War, and we've been saving it for something like this. Where's Frodo?" He asked, looking around the room.  
  
His question was answered when Sam, who was walking back over to the bar, was attacked by a savage animal that had leaped over the chair it was sitting in. Only after the Took made a mad dash to separate the hobbit and beast did he realize it was Frodo.  
  
"Frodo! What are you doing?" Pippin said out of shock. Frodo looked almost rabid with his bloodshot eyes and foaming mouth. Frodo didn't answer, but he did leap after Pippin. Though he was almost in shock, Pippin managed to push himself backwards with his feet before Frodo pounced on them.  
  
Merry and Legolas were enjoying the show.  
  
"Ten to one Frodo wins," Merry said.  
  
"Nay, twenty says Pippin," Legolas countered.  
  
"Oh?" said Merry, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Indeed. Fool of a Took he may be, I personally hope that he wins seeing that if he doesn't we will probably be in danger of a rabid Baggins," Legolas said.  
  
"But you have your tranquilizer arrows don't you?" Merry pleaded. Legolas just smiled, sipped his ale, and continued to watch the brawl.  
  
Sam was dumbfounded, but he had managed to pull himself into a chair to watch. It was actually very funny.  
  
Frodo had hit his head when he missed Pippin's feet, but that didn't stop him. He dove after the Took again, but this time, Pippin was more than ready. He leaped up to his feet and leap-frogged over Frodo. Frodo again hit his head on the floor, but it only made him all the madder (as in crazy).  
  
Frodo got up quickly and charged full speed at Pippin. The intensity of the attack was so sudden and actually scary that Pippin was rooted to the spot. Frodo lifted Pippin (keeping in mind Pip is a good six inches taller than him) clean off the ground and ran until they ran into the large keg that Pippin had brought up from the cellar.  
  
Legolas, Merry, and Sam all got to their feet seeing that Pippin actually was in danger. They ran or nanced over to Pippin's aide, but it was too late.  
  
Frodo let go of Pippin when he hit it and jumped to the side, but Pippin was still on top of the barrel. He watched in drunken glee as both Pippin and the barrel went tumbling down the cellar stairs.  
  
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
Frodo didn't get to enjoy his glee. He was tackled by two hobbits and an elf, who hogtied him and threw him to the side.  
  
Legolas and Merry dashed down the stairs as Sam was tending to Frodo, convinced that it wasn't his fault. They made straight for Pippin and the keg.  
  
"It's okay, I think I'm fine," Pippin said after groaning to get up to his feet. "Really, I'm okay, it was just a little fall, it was.." Pippin trailed off after he saw his friends run past him to tend to the keg.  
  
"It's leaking. Quick! Get some tar to stuff the hole!" Merry shouted. Legolas left with a nod.  
  
"AHEM!" Pippin said in Merry's ear.  
  
"Oh! Pip! Are you okay?" Merry asked, still very preoccupied with the keg.  
  
"I'm FINE," Pippin said, and he left Merry to the keg. He was almost sent flying down the stairs again as Legolas came nancing down three steps at a time to mend the leaking keg.  
  
When he got to the top of the stairs, he saw Sam holding Frodo in his arms, apparently trying to give him some water. Like water helped with drunkenness.  
  
"Thanks a lot Frodo!" Pippin almost screamed. Just as the words left him, he felt a pang in his left side. "I think you did something to my spleen!"  
  
"SPLEEN!" Frodo screamed out of pure madness.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! That's not nice!" Sam scolded.  
  
"SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN!"  
  
Just then, Merry and Legolas came up from the cellar, gingerly rolling the keg that was now clogged with hardened tar. Seeing that Pippin was actually in pain, they quickly set the keg on one of its flat sides and rushed over.  
  
"Pip? What's wrong Pip?" Merry asked with sincere concern.  
  
"I think it's my spleen," Pippin said as he stumbled over to a wall and sat down.  
  
"Your spleen? That's not good," said Legolas.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock!" Merry and Pippin said simultaneously.  
  
"Who is Sherlock?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Nevermind.." Merry said, looking back at Pippin. "Do you need medicine? Do you need me to call on Gandalf?" Pippin nodded as he leaned over on the floor, clutching his side.  
  
"Quick! Legolas! Send word for Gandalf!" Merry said to the elf.  
  
Legolas looked uncomfortable. He motioned for Merry to lean in so that he could whisper something in his ear.  
  
"Gandalf is too far away. He's helping Aragorn in Gondor."  
  
"Oh. Who else is there?" Merry asked.  
  
"Lord Elrond is the only person I know who is close enough," Legolas said, knowing what Merry was going to say next.  
  
"You can't do that!" Merry said in an exasperated whisper. "You know Elrond scares the piss out of him!"  
  
"Indeed I do know. But it's that or.......well, he's the only option," Legolas said.  
  
"Fine. Send word to Rivendell," Merry said. Legolas nodded and left. Merry turned back to Pippin. He glanced over at Sam, who was desperately trying to control the Baggins.  
  
"SPLEEN! Is your SPLEEN okay Pip? SPLEEN!! SPLEEN!!" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Shut up Mr. Frodo!" Sam said, now aggravated.  
  
"SPLEEEEEEEEEEEN!"  
  
SLAP  
  
Sam fell back, amazed at what he had done.  
  
"I'm sorry Mr. Frodo!" he sobbed.  
  
"Sam," said Frodo.  
  
"Yes Mr. Frodo?" said Sam.  
  
"Stop that. You look like a baby."  
  
"Oh, sorry," said Sam, who promptly stopped crying.  
  
"There you go," said Frodo.  
  
"Wait. Aren't you supposed to be drunk?"  
  
"Oh right!" Frodo's eyes rolled into the back of his head again as he tipped back again. Sam didn't help Frodo this time. Frodo hit the floor with full force.  
  
"OW!" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Frodo..drunk remember?" Sam said, shaking a finger at Frodo, who smiled and fell to the floor again, but more gently this time.  
  
Merry looked back at Pippin, who was clutching his side.  
  
"Pip? Want me to help you back to your room 'til El...I mean Gandalf gets here?" he asked. Pippin nodded.  
  
Merry slung Pippin's left arm over his shoulder and helped his friend to his feet. He nearly fell down when he turned to see Elrond and Legolas standing there, looking solemn.  
  
"Is this the One?" Elrond said to Legolas in his usual drawl.  
  
"Yes," Legolas answered.  
  
Elrond lifted up Pippin's chin with a finger, who looked back at the elf lord with terror.  
  
"Only hobbit," Elrond said, pushing the hobbit's face aside and pulled out a gun and square brown glasses. Legolas, Merry, and Sam were frozen in shock.  
  
"Never send a hobbit to do a machine's job," Agent Smith..I mean Elrond said as he pointed the gun at Pippin's head. Merry came to his senses.  
  
"Hey! Elrond! Wrong movie!" he practically shouted.  
  
"Huh?" Elrond's face was confused looking. He pulled a script out of his robes and read it. "Oh right! This is Lord of the Rings isn't it! Put the stupid hobbit in his bed and I'll check him over."  
  
Merry and Sam helped Pippin up to his room while Legolas kept close watch on Frodo, bow in hand. No sooner as Pippin was laid in his bed did Elrond come to the conclusion of what was wrong with the hobbit.  
  
"Bruised spleen," he said blandly.  
  
"Are you sure? That was a little too fast for my liking," Sam said.  
  
"Would you rather have him be in here along with me while I make him take off his shirt while I poke around at his abdomen? I think he would indeed have to be extremely drunk already for him to even been in the same room as me and still have dry trousers," Elrond said knowingly.  
  
"Good point," Merry said.  
  
"It's going to hurt for a few hours, but if you want me to I can give you some codeine to numb the pain if you need to get back to work," Elrond said.  
  
At the mention of the word 'codeine', Pippin's eyes light up.  
  
"Gimmiegimmiegimmie!" he squealed, his arms reaching for Elrond's cloak.  
  
"On second thought, here you go. Advil. Enjoy!" Elrond said, quickly walking out the door before Pippin could manage to snatch at his robes. He left the meds on the bar before he left.  
  
"Looks like it's the bed for you tonight Pip!" Merry said, pulling back the sheets up and over his friend.  
  
"Here, have some ale with that Advil, Pip," Sam said, giving him what was left in his mug and two small pills from the pouch that Elrond had left. Pippin couldn't refuse, and quickly took the pills along with the rest of the ale. He fell back into his pillow with a smile and was asleep in seconds.  
  
Merry and Sam tiptoed out of the room and closed the door. As soon as he was sure it was shut, Sam asked Merry something that was bugging him the whole time Elrond had been there.  
  
"How in Middle-Earth did he get here so fast?" he asked.  
  
"After living with an elf for a month, you learn to just not ask those kinds of questions Sam," Merry said. Sam stopped, thought for a moment, and walked on downstairs to get another ale.  
  
***Ok so just for note, I really did bruise my spleen and I thought it would be funny to have the same thing happen to Pip. Trust me, the funnier stuff will happen when Pip talks to Frodo again...spleens galore. You better enjoy this, even though this is just something I cooked up in less than an hour. I have no life, but then again neither does anyone else who is reading this.  
  
Love and peace  
  
Court 


	8. Twister! The hot spot!

**well hello hello hello...this chapter, contrary to what I said in the last one, has nothing to do with personal experiences...I had to fit it in somehow. Just keep your minds out of the gutter. Enjoy!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Lord Elrond of Rivendell made his way slowly down the corridor after diagnosing and medicating the stupid injured hobbit. He was quite content in repaying Peregrin for when the hobbit laced his robes with itching powder the morning after they arrived in Rivendell. A harmless prank indeed...  
  
The "Advil" that he had given Pippin was actually a sleeping potion that would not only make him wet the bed, but would also give him nightmares for at least a week.  
  
With one marauder out of the way, the Elvin lord could now enjoy a night at the pub in peace. He came down the stairs to a very disgruntled Legolas, who was now tying the former Ringbearer to one of the columns in the tavern.  
  
"Legolas, what are you doing to Frodo?" Elrond asked.  
  
"My Lord, he is drunk. Getting drunk is a custom to the hobbits, but sometimes they go too far and drink too much," Legolas answered.  
  
"As if you haven't before?" Elrond said with a smirk.  
  
Legolas blushed and went back to tying Frodo to the column in several double knots. Elrond kept smiling and inspected the tavern, walking with his hands behind his back.  
  
"These stones are from Moria, are they not?" he asked Legolas.  
  
"Indeed, my Lord" Legolas said.  
  
"Okay, Legos, cut the 'my Lord' crap. It's annoying," Elrond said, giving Legolas his best Agent Smith evil look.  
  
"Yes my L.Elrond," Legolas said, looking uncomfortable. He stood there for a moment, shuffling his feet, looking for something to do until Elrond barked at him.  
  
"Well? Are you going to serve me a drink or not?"  
  
Legolas jumped to attention. "Oh! Of course! What would you like? We have a fine selection of ales. In fact, Pippin had just rolled up a keg of our finest before Frodo attacked him. Would you like to try it?"  
  
"Serve it up!" Elrond said. Legolas gave him a funny look. "I mean, yes please!"  
As Merry and Sam came down the stairs, they heard somebody laughing, no, two people laughing at the top of their lungs.  
  
"Who could be down there? We couldn't have been up here more than ten minutes after Elrond left!" Sam asked, looking a little confused.  
  
"Ya know Sam, I don't know. Maybe Legolas and Frodo got some more to drink," Merry said, looking confused himself. They made their way quietly down the last couple of steps, moving slowly, inch by inch.  
  
"Can you see anything?" Sam said.  
  
"Hold on," Merry said, poking his head around the corner of the wall. He saw two tall figures, shadowed by the fire.  
  
CLANG  
  
The sound of the fallen mug startled both sneaking hobbits, causing Sam to fall forward onto Merry, and the two tumbled down the last two stairs.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!! WHOO!! Hobbits go BOOM!" one of the figures yelled. Now that their eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Merry and Sam could see that it was Elrond who had just made the comment, and was now pointing his finger at the two fallen hobbits. The other figure was Legolas, who was laughing equally as hard.  
  
"HAHAHA!! GO BOOM!! HAHAHA!" he roared.  
  
Merry pushed Sam off of him and stood up to his feet. The two drunken elves was actually a funny sight since he had never seen them like this before. His eyes wandered over to Frodo, still tied to the column, but now sleeping. Or maybe he had passed out. He couldn't tell.  
  
Then his eyes fell upon Legolas's bow and arrows. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  
  
"Sam!" he whispered, motioning for him to get up and come closer. "Ok, here's what we're gonna do. I'll go and serve them some more drinks while you get that nice shiny bow and pretty arrows over there next to Frodo. While I'm getting those two more drunk, you sneak behind the bar with the gear and put them on the floor. When they get drunk enough, we're gonna play a little game."  
  
"But Merry! What if they see me?" Sam whined.  
  
"They won't. I'll make sure of it," Merry said with a wink and a grin. He patted Sam shoulder and said, "Come on Sam, you can do it! Trust me! I'm a pro at this!"  
  
And with that, Merry turned Sam around and pushed him over towards Frodo and the archery gear. Merry smiled, turned, and casually walked over to the bar.  
  
"Good evening gentlemen! Anything I can do for you?" Merry said, hopping into the bar.  
  
"Oh Legolas, look at the pretty elf maiden!" Elrond said with a stupid grin. He reached for Merry's shirt, but the hobbit was too quick and moved to the side.  
  
"I want her! Lay off!" Legolas said, also reaching for the 'elf maiden'. The two began to throw wild punches before Merry broke them apart. However, in doing so, he had to leap up on top of the bar to keep them apart.  
  
"Whoa there!" he yelled, keeping them both at arms distance. "If you want me, you gotta win the game!" Merry looked across the room as he was keeping the two elves apart and saw Sam scoop up Legolas's gear. Sam ducked, and quickly made his way to the bar.  
  
"What game?" Legolas asked eagerly.  
  
"Indeed, what game?!" Elrond said, bewildered.  
  
"Oh come on, you're telling me you don't know the game?" Merry said, playing along with his lies. "Ok, first, you have to chug three pints in less than five minutes. Then, you have to sit perfectly still for a minute. Then, you have to play Twister while we shoot arrows at you."  
  
"WHAT? Shoot arrows?" Legolas and Elrond said.  
  
"Yes, but don't worry, I'm a better shot than Pippin. It's just to scare you! You're brave elfmen! Play the game!" Merry said, goading them on. Sam was now crouching behind him with the bow and arrows in hand.  
  
"I will win the elf maidens heart! I will win for you, sweet maiden of the golden ale!" Elrond said, bowing his head.  
  
"Nay! I will win for you!" Legolas said, taking Merry's hand, who quickly drew it away.  
  
"Well that's nice. Are you ready for the first task?"  
  
"Bring it on!" said Legolas.  
  
"How about you Elrond?" Merry said. No answer. "Elrond?" Merry turned to look at the Elvin lord.  
  
"ELROND!"  
  
SMACK  
  
Merry slapped Elrond across the back of the head. The Elvin lord had been trying to look up his trousers.  
  
"Boxers or briefs?" Elrond asked Merry.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!" Merry yelled in utter disgust.  
  
"Boxers or briefs?" Elrond asked again.  
  
"Umm...neither?" Merry said, not knowing what boxers or briefs were.  
  
"OOOOOOO!!!!!" Elrond said, squealing like a girl at Merry's reply. Merry ignored him, got down from the bar, and filled the elf's mugs with pure whisky. He had said that he would give them three pints in under five minutes, but he never said what beverage.  
  
"Merry! Are you sure you should be doing this?" came the voice of a very frightened Sam from under the bar.  
  
"Don't worry Sam! I have it all under control!" Merry said, smiling as he filled the mugs.  
  
"I hope you're right..." Sam trailed off, trying not to think of what would happen if the two elves sobered up while Merry was shooting at them.  
  
"Alright!" Merry said, giving each elf his mug. "On the count of three! One! Two!"  
  
Legolas began drinking, and when Elrond saw Legolas begin before the finish of the count, he began as well.  
  
"Three?" Merry said.  
  
The two drank so fast it would have made any hobbit gape in awe. Legolas finished a few seconds before Elrond, and Merry refilled the mugs with more than four minutes left to go. This round however, the two drank more slowly. Elrond finished a good bit ahead of Legolas this time, and shoved his mug under Merry's nose with a loud belch.  
  
"Very nice!" Merry commented. Not to be out done by Elrond and wanting to be commented by the 'elf maiden' as well, Legolas chugged the last of his whisky and burped even louder.  
  
"Lovely, Legolas, lovely!" Merry cheered. Legolas smirked at Elrond, who was chugging his pint ferociously. He jumped at the sight and finished his.  
  
Both of them slammed their mugs down at the same time.  
  
BANG  
  
"Very nice gentlemen!" Merry said, taking up their mugs and putting them under the counter. "Now! Time for the quiet game and let all of that whisky get into your system so that you are drunk enough to let me shoot arrows at you!"  
  
Elrond and Legolas just stared at him.  
  
"Good! One minute starts.Now!"  
  
"Merry..."  
  
A voice was whining under the bar. Merry ignored it for the time being. Meanwhile, Elrond was making obscene faces at Legolas, who was looking straight ahead, trying not to laugh. He looked away. Elrond stuck his fingers in his mouth and stretched out his cheeks and stuck out his tongue and went cross-eyed. Legolas turned around with an upturned lip like a chimpanzee and his eyelids flipped upside-down. Elrond only just caught himself from falling into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Twenty seconds!" Merry called out.  
  
The two elves were now using all their might to refrain from laughing. Elrond was holding his breath he was trying so hard not to laugh, while Legolas was biting his lip.  
  
"Ten seconds!"  
  
Elrond's face was turning purple, and Legolas's lip was bleeding.  
  
"Five!"  
  
Their eyes were watering.  
  
"Four!"  
  
Tears rolled down their cheeks.  
  
"Three!"  
  
They held their hands over their mouths.  
  
"Two!"  
  
They were shaking violently from suppressed giggles.  
  
"One!"  
  
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
Legolas and Elrond roared in laughter. Elrond roared so hard that he fell backwards and off his stool onto the floor, and was still laughing all the harder. Legolas began to point and laugh, and then Elrond grabbed Legolas's stool and pulled it out from under him, causing Legolas to fall as well.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"Merry!" Sam was now pulling at Merry's trousers, trying to get his attention.  
  
"WHAT?" Merry whispered loudly, exasperated.  
  
"I don't think we should be doing this!"  
  
"Sam! When will you stop being a pansy and have a little fun? They won't remember this by morning!" Merry jumped down from the ledge that he was standing on behind the bar to where same was squatting with the bow and arrows.  
  
"Here we go," he said as he relieved Sam of the gear and pulled out a very large canvas out from a cabinet under the bar. "Now, I'm gonna get those two set up for Twister."  
  
Before he could hop over the bar, Sam stopped him.  
  
"Wait! What is Twister?" he asked.  
  
"It's a game where you get all tied up in knots!"  
  
"Where did you get it?"  
  
"Ebay," Merry answered.  
  
"What's Ebay?" Sam asked, bewildered.  
  
"Nevermind..." Merry said, hopping over the counter.  
  
As Merry jumped down to the floor, Legolas and Elrond began to get to their feet. Or at least, tried. They had to prop themselves up with the edge of the counter of the bar.  
  
"Right! Now I'll set this up and you can play while I shoot arrows at you!" said Merry as he rolled out the canvas with rows of red, yellow, blue, and green dots on it. Legolas and Elrond let out a cheery "OKAY!"  
  
"Alright, Legolas, you stand at one end, and Elrond stand at the other. I'm going to stand on the counter so I can shoot arrows at you," Merry explained.  
  
"You're going DOWN!" Elrond said.  
  
"No way! I will win for you, fair elf maiden!" Legolas yelled to Merry.  
  
"That's..nice..." Merry said as he notched an arrow onto the string of the bow. "Ready! Okay, right hand yellow!" Merry called out. Legolas and Elrond bent down to put their right hands on yellow.  
  
TWANG  
  
FWOT  
  
Merry's arrow went about three feet over the elves' heads and hit the sofa.  
  
"Okay.." Merry notched another arrow onto the string. "Left foot green!"  
  
Legolas and Elrond put their left foot on green.  
  
TWANG  
  
FWIT  
  
The arrow went through Legolas's legs and hit the wall.  
  
"Fair elf maiden? Is that my bow?" Legolas asked, a little jumpy at the fact that he had almost been hit.  
  
"Nope," Merry said as he notched another arrow.  
  
"I'm pretty sure..."  
  
"Right foot red!" Merry called out. Legolas and Elrond fought for butt and elbow room as they went for right foot red, not bothering to notice that it would have been much simpler if they stayed at their own ends of the canvas.  
  
TWANG  
  
FWITA  
  
The arrow landed in the canvas between the two elves crisscrossed arms. Legolas recognized his arrow.  
  
"You ARE using my bow!" Legolas roared. "Wait...you're not an elf maiden! You're Meriadoc!"  
  
"No I'm not!" Merry yelled as he notched yet another arrow. Legolas wasn't falling for it this time. Or maybe he was. He stood up from the game, knocking over Elrond, who fell laughing, but Legolas was so intoxicated that he tripped on his own feet trying to get Merry.  
  
"Ok Sam, NOW is when we run and hide!" Merry said as he jumped down from the counter.  
  
"I told you this was a bad idea!" Sam whined as he came around from the bar and jumped into an empty barrel.  
  
While Legolas was moaning on the ground and trying to get back to his feet with little success, Merry was looking for somewhere to hide. He spotted a table with a table cloth on it and quickly slid underneath it, dropping Legolas's bow and remaining arrows on the way.  
  
"MERIADOC! YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Legolas roared.  
  
Frodo stirred. He looked around for a moment, and passed out again. Legolas breathed a sigh of relief before he began his drunken hobbit hunt for Merry. Merry held his breath as Legolas stumbled by twice. The third time, he was not so lucky.  
  
Legolas lifted up the table cloth.  
  
"BOO!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"AHHH!!!" Merry shrieked as he scrambled out from under the table, but not before Legolas grabbed his ankle.  
  
"GOTCHA!" Legolas roared.  
  
Elrond was now passed out on the floor, grinning like a fool.  
  
"This is twice today! And you aren't even drunk!" Legolas said as he pulled the terrified hobbit out from under the table, scratching at the floor, trying to get away. Legolas heard a small squeal from one of the empty barrels.  
  
"I know just what do to with you," Legolas said with a smirk. Merry was frozen in terror. The elf pulled Merry over to where Sam was hiding. He peered over the top to see Sam curled up inside.  
  
"Hello?" Sam said with a small wave, almost as scared as Merry. Legolas smiled bigger. He picked up Merry and tossed him inside with Sam. Then he picked up the lid that was lying next to the barrel and put it on top.  
  
"Don't move," Legolas said. As if the hobbits were going to listen to him. As Legolas walked over to Elrond and picked him up by the wrist, Merry slid the top off of the barrel and climbed out. He picked up a near by mug and took aim.  
  
THUD  
  
CLATTER  
  
The mug hit Legolas square in the back of the head.  
  
"Oh! Look at the dancing leprechaun!" Legolas said as he crumpled to the ground next to Elrond.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Sam yelled.  
  
"I saved our asses, that's what I did!" Merry said proudly.  
  
"He's gonna kill us tomorrow!" Sam was now on the verge of tears.  
  
"No he won't. Trust me, he won't remember a thing! All we have to do is get him to his bed and he'll think that he just got really drunk tonight and think nothing of it!" Merry explained.  
  
"If you say so...it's not like we have any other choice.." Sam said, pulling himself out from the barrel.  
  
"Come on, help me get him to his bed," Merry said, lifting up Legolas's legs. Sam carried his arms, and the two made their way up the stairs. Merry put down his load and opened the door to Legolas's room. Instantly they were overwhelmed by the smell of strawberries.  
  
"Phew! What is that?" Sam asked.  
  
"Legolas's soap and shampoo. They are the only thing that he loves more than his bow. Never touch them. Even I don't. I heard the bathroom is booby traped," Merry said, picking up Legolas's legs again. The two heaved Legolas into bed and left the room on tip toes and closed the door silently.  
  
"What about Elrond?" Sam asked.  
  
"I dunno. I guess we should just leave him," Merry said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"What about Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"Would you stop calling him Mr. Frodo? Frodo does it just fine," Merry said. "There is no way that we are untying him tonight. Besides, he's probably crapped all in his trousers by now. Good thing we left a few windows open."  
  
"What about robbers?" Sam asked.  
  
"Robbers?" Merry said with an eyebrow raised. "Look, they come inside and get one whiff of the place and they'll be gone. Besides, we have nothing to rob! The cellar locks itself after midnight as does the front door. You'd have to knock to get in."  
  
"How did you get all that done?" Sam asked as the two began walking down the hall to Merry's room.  
  
"Gandalf," was all Merry said, and he didn't need to say anymore.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Your room is downstairs," Merry said, handing Sam a key. "This will get you into hobbit room number 2."  
  
"But I don't want to sleep down there tonight!" Sam whined.  
  
"Would you rather sleep with Legolas or Pip, 'cause you sure as hell are not sleeping in my room!" Merry said as he closed his door.  
  
"Guess I don't have a choice.." Sam muttered as he made his way down to his room, hoping that he would get at least an hour's rest without fearing pain and torture from Legolas and Elrond the next day.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
**double header weekend! Hope you enjoyed! 


	9. Hunted by a doll

**well I'm on a writing binge this week, to your benefit. Remember in the beginning of the last chapter how Elrond's potion will give nightmares to Pippin? Well, keep that in mind in this chapter...enjoy!  
  
Peregrin Took was floating away in a sea of ale with a pipe in hand. He was happily drifting along in the currents until his pipe caught on fire, burning his hand. Pippin let out a help of pain, but then put his hand under the sea of ale. When he brought it back up, his hand was healed. The hobbit let himself sink under the tides for a moment, drinking some of the ale before he came back to the surface.  
  
When he breeched the ale, a not so friendly sight was before him.  
  
An old wooden sign with crossbones painted in black read: DANGER- PROHIBITION AHEAD  
  
"EEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
Pippin screamed and tried to swim back to shore, but there was no shore to swim to! The current was pulling him ever closer to the sign of doom. As he began to pass it, Pippin grabbed hold of the sign, clinging on for dear life, and drinking ale at the same time. Except now it wasn't ale, it was vinegar.  
  
Pippin spat and sputtered as he tried to get the foul taste out of his mouth. His grip was loosening, and splinters were digging into his fingers. As he looked over his shoulder, he froze in terror.  
  
A huge doll's head with enormous eyes was at the end of the sea, which now let off into a waterfall. The all of the vinegar was flowing into the dolls mouth. The doll smiled, and the current began to move faster. Pippin was holding onto the sign with his fingertips, but the current was so strong that the sign broke in half while Pippin was still holding onto it.  
  
Pippin ditched the sign and tried to swim back, away from the doll that was getting ever bigger. When at last Pippin could swim no more, he let himself fall into the dolls mouth, and he was swarmed in the vinegar. He let out a scream that nobody heard as he fell into darkness...  
  
"EEEEEIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Pip woke up in a cold sweat, his sheets entangled around him. He kicked and punched at nothing in his fit to be free of his sheeted prison, and in doing so fell to the floor.  
  
THUD  
  
Pippin stood up slowly as he realized what he had experienced had been a very, very bad nightmare. As he walked back over to his bed, he saw that his clean, white sheets were stained yellow before he smelled what made the stain. He looked down at his trousers and as he did he felt the warmth of something on his crotch.  
  
"Aw, shit," Pippin murmured as he pulled off his trousers and under britches. He put them in a canvas bag and closed it tight so as he couldn't smell raw fish anymore. Feeling that he could wait until morning to take a shower, he pulled on a clean pair of under britches and got out a pair of tan sleeping pants from his closet.  
  
As he stripped the sheets off his bed and prepared to go to sleep again, the vivid image of the doll came back to him.  
  
"EIAH!"  
  
He fell out of the bed again, and his spleen panged him as he did so. He squatted next to the wall, drawing his legs against his chest, rocking back and forth trying to coax himself back to sleep. It didn't do the trick.  
  
Pippin's eyes were weary with sleep, but he couldn't sleep alone. He was too afraid that the doll might come back after him. He stood up again and reached for the door handle.  
  
CREEEEK  
  
Something had walked behind him. Pippin slowly turned around. The doll was on his bed, staring at him.  
  
"EIIAHH!!"  
  
Pippin bolted out the door and across the hall to Merry's room.  
  
CRRREEEEEEEK  
  
Pippin turned to look back and saw the doll peering his head out of his room, smiling evilly.  
  
CREEK  
  
SLAM  
  
CLICK  
  
Pip quickly dashed into Merry's room, slammed the door, and locked the door.  
  
"Haminahaminahamina...whaaa..what the? Pip, what are you doing?" Merry said as he sleepily sat up from his bed. As he did so, a candle next to his bed automatically burst a tiny flame, illuminating the room.  
  
"SHHH!!! It'll hear you!" Pippin said as he ran over to Merry, covering his mouth.  
  
"MMMMMM!!! HMMMMPH!!" Merry tried to say, muffled by Pippin's hand.  
  
"What did you say?" Pippin asked.  
  
"MMMMMM!!! HMMMMPH!!" Merry said again.  
  
"Say it again, I can't understand you! Speak clearly!" Pip said. Merry tore Pippin's hand away from his mouth and said, "What is it? What will hear me?"  
  
"The doll! Oh the horror! The horror!" Pippin screamed as he covered his eyes and sank to the floor.  
  
"Pip, come on, dolls don't move!" Merry said, trying to console his friend.  
  
"Yes they do! It's out in the hall!" Pippin said behind closed eyes.  
  
Merry rolled out of bed and went to the door. He unlocked it and looked out into the hall.  
  
"Pip, nothing's out there!" Merry said softly.  
  
"There isn't?" Pip said, uncovering his eyes. "Are you sure Mer?"  
  
"I'm sure. Come have a look for yourself!"  
  
Pippin stood up, wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, and walked over to the door. He slowly looked out into the hall.  
  
The doll was halfway down the hall, motionless, smiling.  
  
"DON'T YOU SEE IT? IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!" Pippin screamed as he ran away from the door and into Merry's bed. Merry looked out into the hall again, but he saw nothing. He closed the door.  
  
"Lock it, lock it!" Pippin squealed from under the covers. Merry locked the door and walked over to the bed.  
  
"Now Pip, are you such a pansy that you can't sleep alone because of a stupid doll?" Merry said with a smirk.  
  
"YES!" Pippin cried.  
  
"Fine...but just for tonight!" Merry said as he got into the bed as well. He took out a piece of charcoal from his nightstand.  
  
"What's that for?" Pippin asked.  
  
"You stay on this side of the line," Merry said as he drew a line down the middle of the sheet, "and I'll stay on this side."  
  
"What? You think I'm gonna 'invade your space'?" Pippin said, smiling.  
  
"Yes," Merry said, turning over in the sheets and blowing out the candle.  
  
Pippin turned over as well, snuggling close to the sheets. Then he felt the warmth again.  
  
"Pip,"  
  
"Yeah Merry?"  
  
"What's that smell?"  
  
"Er...what smell?"  
  
"Pip,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Did you wet the bed?"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Pip,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You wet the bed,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Pip,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Get out before I kill you Pip,"  
  
"I'm going..."  
  
"Oh, and Pip,"  
  
"Yes?" Pippin said as he made his way to the door in the dark room.  
  
"You are cleaning my sheets tomorrow,"  
  
"Sure Mer," Pippin said as he unlocked the door. An idea came to his head. He opened the door and bolted down the hall to the bathroom. He picked up a cup, filled it with hot water, and rushed back to Merry's room.  
  
He put the cup of water on the floor and placed Merry's limp hand inside the cup.  
  
"Sweet dreams," Pippin said as he closed the door. As he turned to go back to his room, but the doll was still in the hallway, smiling. It was closer now. Pippin felt a sudden surge of warmth again, but there was no way that he was going to pass the doll to get back to his room for a clean pair of pants.  
  
"UH!" Pippin yelped in horror. He turned and ran to Legolas's room, knowing that he was about to risk his life. He didn't care: he would take the wrath of Legolas over the wrath of a doll any day.  
  
CREEEEK  
  
Pippin slowly opened Legolas's door, poking his head inside to see if the elf had awoken. Legolas was still asleep. He crept in and silently closed the door.  
  
CLICK  
  
He locked the door. Pippin's own raw-fish smell was overcome by the power of the strawberry-scented soap.  
  
"Hunamphsanfulgoogen..." Pippin froze as Legolas rolled over in his bed. Legolas now had his back turned towards him. Pippin crept closer to the bed, falling to the floor every time Legolas turned...which was four times.  
  
"Mmmmmmm"  
  
THUD  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh"  
  
THUD  
  
"Yummmmmmm"  
  
THUD  
  
"Snnnnnnuuuuhhh"  
  
THUD  
  
After Pip got up for the fourth time, he was close enough to crawl into Legolas's bed. He did so slowly as not to wake the elf. Pippin snuggled into the sheets with his face towards Legolas's back. He was almost asleep when Legolas rolled over again, this time, on top of the hobbit. Pippin could see the elf's satin sleeping mask on his face. Pippin felt the warmth again and flinched. Wetting Legolas's bed was a very, very, very bad thing.  
  
He pushed Legolas off of him, and in doing so he smelled the whisky on the elf's breath.  
  
"Wish I could have been there..." Pippin pined. He rolled over and closed his eyes.  
  
His sleep was disturbed again when Legolas placed his arm around Pippin. The hobbits eyes snapped open wide in terror as the elf drew him close and hugged him.  
  
"Mmmmm...pretty elf maiden wants a huggie.." Legolas murmured. Pippin was in shock as Legolas squeezed him harder to his chest like a doll..bad choice of words...like a teddy bear.  
  
Pippin grabbed and reached for something to try and pull himself out of the elf's grasp, but it was no use. Yet again, Pippin felt the warmth. Apparently Legolas did as well, for he sat up like a bolt of lightning, still holding the hobbit. Legolas was scared for a moment that he wet the bed. He stood up in the bed, moved the sheets around with his feet, and saw the evidence.  
  
"Oh no!" Legolas whispered, unaware that the object he was holding was not inanimate, though trying to be.  
  
Legolas looked down at his leather pants and saw more evidence.  
  
"Merry and Pippin will never stop the torment if they see this..." Legolas said to himself. Pippin couldn't help himself: he began to giggle. Fortunately for Pip, Legolas began to cry, causing himself to shake and not notice the hobbit's laughter. Legolas drew Pippin close to his chest.  
  
"Oh Teddy, I wet the bed!" Legolas brought his 'teddy' to eye level, unable to recognize the features on 'teddy's' face through tear-filled eyes. Legolas kissed 'Teddy', giving Pippin a very wet kiss on the lips.  
  
"GEEEEUH!!!" Pippin yelled. Legolas looked at Teddy in shock as it squirmed in his very hands.  
  
"Teddy?" Legolas said, confused. As the tears left his eyes, Legolas could see more clearly that he was not holding Teddy, but rather, a very tall hobbit who smelled like raw fish.  
  
"What the.." Legolas said as he dropped the hobbit. Pippin landed in a heap on the floor, and Legolas recognized him.  
  
"PEREGRIN!!!!!" Legolas roared.  
  
**************************************************************************** ** Down the hall, Merry woke up to Legolas's yells. He smiled and went back to bed. **************************************************************************** **  
  
Pippin scrambled to his feet, sprinkling the floor with fresh 'warmth' as he tried to get to the door. Key word: tried.  
  
Legolas leaped on top of Pippin, pinning him to the floor.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!?!?!?" Legolas demanded as he put the hobbit into a headlock.  
  
"OW OW OW OW OW!!" Pippin squealed.  
  
"SPEAK!" Legolas demanded.  
  
"OK OK!!! I'm being attacked by a killer doll! OW!" Pippin said as Legolas tightened his grip on him.  
  
"Seriously! Go look in the hall for yourself!" Pippin said, trying to get free of his captor.  
  
Legolas stood up, but still kept Pippin in a headlock. He opened the door and looked out into the hall.  
  
"There is nothing there! You lie!" Legolas said, glaring at Pippin.  
  
"Let me look!" Pippin said.  
  
Legolas pushed him out into the hall. The doll was there, closer, smiling back at Pippin.  
  
"EEIIAAHH!!!" Pippin screamed. "Move! Let me back in!!"  
  
Legolas smiled and slammed the door in Pippin's face. The hobbit ran face first into the door and fell to the ground, beating on the door.  
  
"LEGOLAS!!! Please! It's going to kill me!"  
  
No answer, but the doll was closer now. Pippin couldn't stay there.  
  
He stood up quickly, so quickly that he stumbled into a wall before he bolted down the stairs. He was overwhelmed by the smell of poopoo, but he didn't care. He ran down the guest's hall and tried every door until he came to the first unlocked room: hobbit room number 2.  
  
CREEK  
  
SLAM  
  
Before Pippin closed the door, he saw the doll on the bottom step.  
  
Pippin ran with tears in his eyes to the bed and jumped in, unaware of who was already sleeping in it.  
  
"OW!" Sam yelled as Pippin landed on top of him.  
  
"Oh! Sam! Hello!" Pippin said in surprise.  
  
"Pippin? What the hell are you doing?" Sam asked, still groggy from being just woken up.  
  
"Um...I'm being chased by a killer doll," Pippin explained.  
  
"Well, that's better than a killer elf..." Sam said, trailing off into memories of the night in the pub.  
  
"No it's not! It's worse! It's coming after me! Save me Sam!" Pippin yelled as he seized Sam's shoulders and shaking him.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Sam said, trying to stop Pippin from shaking him. "Where is it?"  
  
"On the last step," Pippin said, diving under the sheets.  
  
"Fine...I'm going now...to kill a killer doll..."  
  
Sam peered out into the hall, and like Merry and Legolas, saw nothing.  
  
"Pip, nothing's there. You can come out now," Sam said. Pippin poked his head out from under the covers and looked over at Sam.  
  
"EEEIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Pippin screamed. "IT'S BEHIND YOU!!" Pip felt the warmth again.  
  
Sam turned around slowly in horror. Nothing was there.  
  
"Pippin, nothing's there!"  
  
"I can see it! I see doll people!"  
  
"Pip, calm down. There is no doll. You must be hallucinating. It's ok. There is no doll!" Sam said, trying to coax his hypervenalating friend.  
  
"Breathe in! Breathe out! Breathe in! Breathe out!" Sam said, rubbing Pippin's back. Pippin slowly began to breathe normally.  
  
"There is no doll Pip," Sam said, still rubbing Pip's back. "Repeat after me: There is no doll, there is no doll,"  
  
"There is no doll, there is no doll, there is no doll..." The doll's image began to fade. "Hey! It's working!"  
  
"I know it's working, keep saying it..there is no doll, there is no doll..."  
  
"There is no doll, there is no doll, there is no doll, there is no doll,"  
  
The doll disappeared all together.  
  
"It's gone! Thank you Sam!" Pippin flung his arms around Sam, who quickly recoiled.  
  
"You're welcome...now can you please go back to your room?"  
  
"No!" Pippin squealed, drawing up the covers again.  
  
"Pip,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You pissed in my bed,"  
  
"No I didn't!"  
  
"Yes you did,"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Get out,"  
  
"Okay..."  
  
"Oh and Pip,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You're washing my sheets tomorrow,"  
  
"Okay..."  
  
Pippin left the room and stood out in the hall for a couple of minutes, long enough for Sam to fall back asleep. He went back into the room and went into the bathroom. He got a cup and filled it with hot water. He crept over towards Sam and put the cup on the floor and placed Sam's hand into the cup.  
  
"Heh heh...sweet dreams Sam!"  
  
Pippin went out into the doll-less hall and closed the door silently behind him.  
  
The hobbit knew that he was no longer welcome upstairs and that his room smelled like fish, so he made his way into the pub. The smell of poo poo filled his nostrils again, but it wasn't much worse than the smell of his own pee. He found Frodo tied to one of the columns.  
  
"Serves him right..." Pippin said to himself, but he still felt bad for Frodo, for the hobbit's head was in an awkward position that would surely give him a crick in his neck by morning. He grabbed a pillow from a couch and placed Frodo's head against it. Frodo's head just flopped to the side again.  
  
Stumped, Pippin looked around the room for something to keep Frodo's head in place. His eyes fell upon some rope. Pippin put the pillow back behind Frodo's head and wrapped the rope around Frodo's head and tied it in a double knot. As Pippin stood back up, he saw that the seat of Frodo's pants was a nasty shade of brown, and it was staining the floor.  
  
"Screw it," Pippin said as he sat back down next to Frodo and fell asleep, but not before the warmth spread once more.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Well, I know that this was a little graphic and disgusting, and yet funny. Hope you kept your head out of the gutter b/c my fiction is slash-free. Oh and this is one of those stories that I relate to, although I don't run from dolls in the night. I am just terribly, terribly scared of them..the eyes..the smile...they just creep me out. I can't talk about them anymore..later.  
  
Love and peace,  
  
Court 


	10. Prank Wars: Part I

****ok wow, when I said last time that this was a story that I could relate to, I DID NOT mean that I run around the house wetting every bed there is! I have been potty trained for...a long time! Anyway, this is the prank wars: nothing but pranks.****  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Prank Wars  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck had a hard time waking up that the morning. He was far too comfortable to get out of his own bed, even though it smelled like raw fish from Peregrin's episode from the night before. His bed was warm, and his left hand was exceptionally warm.  
  
Then Merry realized. He opened his eyes, slowly to see the horror of a glass of water. It wasn't the fact that he was looking at the water, but rather, that his hand had been placed inside.  
  
As Pippin had, he felt the warmth. Merry sighed as he pulled his hand out of the water and flipped over his once-white sheets. They were now stained yellow, as were his trousers.  
  
"Pippin.."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Sam was experiencing the same horror as he awoke on the rainy day. Merry and Sam both knew that Pippin would no longer be washing their sheets. Secretly, they were plotting each in their own way to get back at Pippin. They were plotting well..  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was doing the same as he was hand washing his sheets in his bathroom, for he didn't trust anyone else to wash them as they were made from the finest cotton from Rivendell.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Frodo stirred to the sound of the soft pitter patter of the falling rain outside on the roof. Or was it the smell of his own crap mixed with raw fish? He couldn't tell. As he tried to stand up, he found his head tightly fixed to the column that he was roped to, along with his hands. His feet were also bonded. Trying to squirm out of the ropes, he felt someone leaning their head on his shoulder.  
  
It was Pippin, sleeping soundly. Frodo couldn't figure out why he wasn't married yet, seeing his friend sleeping there, so peaceful.  
  
Frodo didn't want to wake Pippin, but he had to if he wanted to be free. His stomach was roaring loudly and was in desperate need of feeding.  
  
"Pippin!" he said as he nudged his shoulder that Pippin was sleeping on. The hobbit slept on. "Pip! Get up!" he said, again causing Pippin's head to bounce up and down as he nudged him.  
  
"Wha.wha.where are we going?" Pippin mumbled as he awoke.  
  
"Pippin! Help me untie these bonds!" Frodo said, not being able to look at Pippin in the eye, for he could not move it due to the ropes.  
  
Then the memories of the evening before came back to him.  
  
"Are you still drunk?" Pippin asked, standing up before Frodo, looking him straight in the eye.  
  
"No, man. I've got a massive hangover, and my head is killing me enough from these ropes," Frodo said.  
  
"Fine..." Pippin untied the bonds that were holding Frodo's head in place first, then his hands. He let Frodo untie his own feet so he could know if the hobbit was truly sober. Frodo passed the test.  
  
"By Mordor, this smells like ass," Frodo said as he got up to his feet.  
  
"Yes it does," said Pippin as he walked behind the counter of the bar and bringing out a mop and pail, "and you're going to clean it up."  
  
"Aw Pip..."  
  
"Do it." Pippin forced the mop into Frodo's arms and dropped the pail on the floor.  
  
"Alright..." Frodo filled the pail with water from the pump outside and began to mop the poop-covered floor.  
  
Pippin remembered all to well the events of the previous night, and knew that he badly need a bath and a new pair of trousers. As he made his way to the stairs, he heard a creek come from one of the doors in the corridor upstairs. The memory of the doll came back to him, but he shook it off.  
  
As he was about to open his door, one of the doors slammed. Pippin turned, back pressed to the door, panting. He scanned the corridor before entering his room and locking the door.  
  
Taking his sweaty hands off of the door and breathing a sigh of relief, Pippin turned and made his way to his closet and opened it, only to find that all of his trousers were dripping wet, along with all of his shirts and underpants.  
  
"Merry..." Pippin whispered. He slammed his closet door in frustration Merry's deed. Pippin had been pranked back. Knowing that he couldn't last the day in the pissy clothes he was wearing, Pippin stripped down to his underpants, revealing his extremely tone body that he had adopted from his quest from the War of the Ring, and slung his clothes over his bare shoulder. He didn't trust carrying them in a bag that was probably tainted by Merry, and he smelled like pee anyway.  
  
Pippin knew that going into the bathroom was taking a huge risk, but he had to. Using Legolas's bathroom wasn't an option. He opened the door slowly and stuck his head in to make sure the cost was clear.  
  
As soon as he stepped foot in the room, his feet came out from under him and he skid across the bathroom floor into one of the cubbies that housed his soaps and foot-hair grooming tools  
  
CRASH  
  
Soap and combs flew as Pippin came to a sudden halt when he hit the cubbies. Luckily for him, the potion that Elrond have given actually did have some healing properties and his spleen was no longer bruised. (A/N: I'm healed!!)  
  
As Pippin slowly crawled over to one of the wash bins and steadied himself on it, he could see the trail he had left on the freshly polished and soaped floor.  
  
"Merry couldn't do this alone..." Pippin thought to himself. "Sam..."  
  
Pippin turned himself around slowly while holding on to the wash bin, put his clothes into the bin, and lifted the lever that began pumping water into the bin. As the water hit the fine powder on the bottom of the bin, the potent smell of rotten eggs filled the room. Pippin was quickly driven out of the room on his hands and knees. He had a hard time finding the door, seeing that his eyes were blinded by tears. He gasped for breath as he closed the door and was rid of the smell. Then he remembered the water. Taking a deep breath, Pippin opened the door again and crawled as fast as he could to the bin. Of course he had to choose the bin that was furthest away from the door. Pip was two feet away from the bin by the time he could no longer see because of tearing. He fingered the bin and found the pump and pushed down, shutting off the water.  
  
Quickly running out of air, Pippin scrambled for the door blindly. He couldn't hold it must longer...Through the tears he could see the faint image of the door. He risked getting to his feet and ran for the door, falling on his ass and sliding out of the room and into a wall.  
  
BOOM  
  
He quickly got to his feet and closed the door. As Pippin stood to his feet, he saw an eerie green vapor beginning to sneak out from the crack at the bottom of the door. He bolted for his room, but it was locked. A pair of very wet trousers was hanging on the handle. Pippin shrugged and put them on over his soapy underpants. The trousers fit snuggly, but not too tight. As he walked around, they stretched out again. As he did so, he realized that they were a little short on him, coming to about an inch or two below his knee.  
  
Unfortunately, as they stretched, the waist became too loose to fit him. They slid down and hung around his hips. (A/N: much like most guys wear them today...it's a new hobbit fashion!)  
  
Pippin franticly searched for suspenders in vain. He was still shirtless, but at least he had nothing to be embarrassed of.  
  
He slowly made his way down the stairs, back pressed against the wall. As he peered around the corner, four eggs came flying at him from nowhere. He moved before he was plastered with them, letting the wall take the blow.  
  
"This means war..." Pippin said to himself. He searched his pockets to see if there was anything in them that might be of use. All he found was a soaked tin of Elvin snuff. Pippin realized that the pants were Merry's seeing that Pippin didn't use snuff. Neither did Merry really, he just liked to impress the ladies occasionally when they came to the tavern. Let me stress the occasionally. It also explained why the pants fit so loosely on him and why they were so short. Pippin's girth was smaller than Merry's, and he was taller by an inch or two.  
  
The water had turned the snuff into a thick black goop. Elvin snuff had originally been used as a substance to hold wood together, but when a man from Rohan accidentally let it dry, he found that it could be used as snuff.  
  
Pippin dipped two fingers in the goo and rubbed it across both of his cheeks, leaving two black lines under his eyes. He also traced two lines on his upper arms. He closed the lid to the snuff box and pocketed it. Wiping the remainder of the goo on his pants, Pip pressed his back against the wall again and peered slowly around the corner.  
  
Two more eggs came flying at him, but Pippin was more than ready. Knowing that his attackers would be busying themselves with reloading their ammo, Pippin seized his chance. He leaped down the last three stairs and bolted for the tables, ducking and weaving as more eggs splattered at his feet. As soon as he was safe behind one of the benches, he heard a voice come from his left.  
  
"Pippin! Over here!"  
  
It was Frodo. He was crouching behind one of the tables as well, only he didn't have the extra cover of the benches to shield him. Egg yolk was matted in his hair along with eggshell. Pippin stood up and ducked again as the next wave of eggs came. Again seizing his reloading delay chance, Pippin sprinted over to where Frodo was crouching. He promptly kicked the table over, just in time to shield a dozen eggs that were coming at them.  
  
"Frodo! What happened?" Pippin said as he sat down to catch his breath.  
  
"I was ambushed! Merry and Sam came charging downstairs, but not yelling or anything, and tipped one of the tables. I had no idea what they were doing, and when I asked, I was hit!" Frodo explained as he picked out bits of eggshell that were lodged in his hair.  
  
Pippin scanned Frodo and saw what bad shape he was in. His shirt was actually torn from eggshell and one of his suspenders was hanging off his shoulder.  
  
"Take off your shirt...if we are going to go to war with these two, we are going to do it right," Pippin said. (A/N: gutter guard)  
  
"WHAT?!" Frodo yelled.  
  
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG  
  
A barrage of eggs hit the table.  
  
"Trust me Frodo. It's a prank war, and it's shirts against skins. Here," Pippin said as he handed the snuff box to Frodo, "put some of this on like I did. We're a team now."  
  
"Okay..." Frodo unbuttoned his torn shirt and put it on the floor. Then he dipped his fingers into the snuff box and imitated Pippin's design. As Frodo checked to make sure that he looked like Pippin, he noticed that he was considerable scrawnier than his friend was.  
  
"Right. Now we are hobbit warriors," Pippin said with such corniness that it was actually good.  
  
"What must I do?" Frodo asked. Pippin gave him a drop-the-drama look.  
  
"I mean, whadda we do now?"  
  
"Well, eggshells and yolk won't do us much good. We need some sort of ammo..."  
  
Pippin scanned the room, looking for something of use. His eyes fell of Legolas's bow. However, it was hanging a good three feet above where Pippin's head would be. He couldn't risk such a vulnerable position. As he looked around again, his eyes fell on the column that was behind them. It was the one that he and Frodo had slept against the night before. The crap that had seeped through Frodo's pants had solidified into solid clumps. There were about two small handfuls in all.  
  
As Pippin's mind was twisting, Frodo was bobbing is head up and down as he peered over the edge of the table to see where Merry and Sam were. He finally spotted them, behind another over turned table, but not before a well-aimed throw from Merry hit home on his forehead.  
  
SPLAT  
  
Yolk dripped down onto his face and down onto his chest. He was rather glad that he wasn't wearing his shirt, for the yolk was easily cleaned off his chest with the discarded clothing. He wiped his face with it, finding that the snuff didn't come off with it.  
  
"Pippin! I know where they are! Pippin? What are you doing?!" Frodo said in fright when he saw his friend collecting his feces.  
  
"Making a plan," Pippin said with a smirk.  
  
"And that would be..." Frodo asked.  
  
"You'll see," Pippin said, smiling all the more. "Okay, what we need to do is flip all the tables on this side of the tavern. Then, we need to bring them all together to form a line. It will make a wall, and they will never know where we are."  
  
"Good idea," said Frodo.  
  
"Yea, so get to it," said Pippin.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
"Fine..."  
  
Pippin smiled again. What Frodo was doing wasn't only to build a mini- fort, but also to create a diversion. As Frodo bolted from table to table, flipping tables and dragging them together, Merry and Sam were pelting eggs at him.  
  
"They have to run out soon..." Pippin thought. While Merry and Sam were preoccupied, Pippin commando-crawled over to the bar. Merry and Sam didn't even see him. Frodo's dried turds were in his pocket.  
  
A skill that often went unsung to other that Pippin possessed was an uncanny ability of accuracy with a slingshot. He always kept one under the counter for safety, and now, it was needed. Pippin stood up once he was inside the bar since his head didn't clear the counter. He found the slingshot and broke the feces in half. He placed a small piece in a thin pig bladder along with a bit of strong whisky and fine powder that was identical to the powder that drove him out of the bathroom. Before the powder began to fizz, Pippin tied the bladder with a piece of string and loaded it into the slingshot. He quickly stood up on the ledge inside the bar and took aim at Merry and Sam.  
  
The bladder was expanding quickly, which would make for a rather large explosion of poop and foul smelling green vapor when it hit. Pippin breathed in and shot.  
  
The bladder hit with full force on Merry's head, but it wasn't full enough to burst.  
  
"Oh shite," Pippin whispered. Merry and Sam stopped attacking Frodo, who was just finishing, and looked down at the swelling bladder. They looked over at Pippin and laughed.  
  
"Oh, is that the best you can do Pip?" Merry jeered.  
  
"Gaffer could do better!" Sam yelled.  
  
As the two hobbits were busy taunting Pippin, the bladder swelled more and more. Pippin knew this and smiled.  
  
"Hey what are you so happy about?" yelled Merry.  
  
Pippin smiled bigger and jumped down from the ledge and yelled to Frodo "GET DOWN!"  
  
Merry and Sam looked at each other, then at the swelling bladder. They gave each other a look of terror before the mini-bomb went off.  
  
BA-BANG!  
  
The liquid feces, whisky, and green vapor splattered all over the two hobbits and all of the tavern within a ten yard radius. The powder that Pippin put in with the whiskey had a slight explosive effect. Merry and Sam's eyebrows were singed and were thrown back four or five feet. Pippin seized his chance.  
  
"ATTACK!!!!" he yelled as he changed out from the bar and tackled Merry, who was trying to get to his feet. Frodo did likewise.  
  
"HA! Who's punk'd now?" Pippin yelled as he placed Merry in a headlock. Merry fought, but he was no match for Pippin's deadlock grip. He squirmed to little effect. Meanwhile, Frodo was trying to do the same to Sam, but was sorely loosing. It was so pathetic that Sam just sat down on the floor while Frodo tried to pin him down.  
  
Back at the ranch...  
  
Merry had given up to Pippin now, who's muscles were bulging as he kept Merry in check. (Sorry, I had to say that...sexy Pippin...)  
  
"Okay okay! I'm punk'd! You win!" Merry whined.  
  
Pippin let go of Merry. Merry held out his hand and Pippin shook it.  
  
"Well done Merry," said Pippin.  
  
"You too Pip."  
  
Frodo stopped trying to tackle Sam and said, "What's going on?"  
  
"It's a truce now. This battle of the Prank War is over," Merry explained.  
  
"Now, we join and attack our next victim," added Pippin.  
  
"Who would that be?" Sam asked as he stood up.  
  
"Legolas," Merry said, turning his head towards the stairs.  
  
"It's never been done before. We have never been able to catch him off guard before," Pippin said, as if telling an urban legend.  
  
"But with you two, we can punk the elf like we have never punk'd before," Merry said with a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"What must I do?" Frodo said. Pippin gave him the drop-the-drama look again.  
  
"I mean, whadda we do?"  
  
"We can't just walk in there and prank him like that...this is going to take some planning," Merry said.  
  
"What kind of planning?" Sam asked.  
  
"That was a half-assed question Sam. We have maps of Legolas's room all planned out to aid us, but they aren't updated with the new booby traps," Pippin said.  
  
"Booby traps?!" Frodo said, alarmed.  
  
"Don't worry, they won't kill you if you're quick," Merry said, winking at Pippin, who smiled back.  
  
"KILL?!" Sam barely whispered.  
  
"Fear not Sam. We got your back!" Pippin said, patting Sam on the back. He swallowed hard.  
  
"Come on Sam! It'll be fun!" Frodo said with nervous cheerfulness.  
  
Merry walked behind the counter of the bar and retrieved a roll of parchment and a quill.  
  
"Right, now what we need is a plan..."  
  
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Hope you like! I know it's a cliff hanger, but at least it's not as bad as the one from the matrix reloaded. Man, I was sooo pissed when I saw "to be concluded". Anyway, if you have any ideas for pranking Legolas, please post them so that I might use them! I have a few in mind, but I need more!  
  
Love and peace  
  
court 


	11. Prank Wars: Part II

****Alrighty. This is it. The hobbits are going to try and punk Legolas. How will this turn out? Will they get away with it, or will Legolas decorate the tavern with their heads? Nobody reviewed to tell me what they wanted to have happen to Legolas, so I went ahead to write this cos I have some ideas that may give you a few chuckles. And we have a special guest(s) this chapter! Anyway, enjoy!****  
  
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The Hunted  
  
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Peregrin Took was fully aware of the situation. He knew it was dangerous. So dangerous in fact, that he knew that there might actually be bodily harm done in the process, but if he and the other hobbits could pull off their master plan, it would be worth every broken bone, every arrow-wound.  
  
Merry had finished his plan. The materials were simple and too the point. He paced around the room as he explained for the last time what their master plan was.  
  
"Right. First and foremost, we need to get him downstairs to the pub. Drunken elves will do almost anything for at least the full thirty minutes of the peek of their drunken state. Legolas stays a little more sober than most elves, so I'm guessing that we are going to have twenty minutes to get this done."  
  
Pippin (still shirtless), Sam (covered in eggs and smoke), and Frodo (who was wearing a pair of Merry's borrowed trousers after taking a shower) were sitting at the pub with their backs to the bar and their elbows resting on the counter. Pippin understood exactly what he was supposed to do, but Frodo and Sam were having a tough time.  
  
"So when do I get to wax his boots?" said Frodo, practically jumping in his seat.  
  
"I'll get to that in a minute!" Merry said, exasperated, for this was not the first time Frodo had asked.  
  
"Just remember that Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!" Sam said.  
  
"Wrong, Sam," Merry said, giving Sam the eye. "You're going to do exactly what I tell you to do, or Frodo might not be here tomorrow."  
  
"Alright..." Sam shuffled his feet a little and cast a warning glace at Frodo.  
  
"I'll be fine Sam," Frodo said, reassuring him with a smile. Sam felt a little better and listened as Merry finished his explanation.  
  
"As I was saying, we are going to have about twenty minutes to do this. Pippin, I'll let you explain Operation Shampoo after I explain Operation Intoxication," Merry said.  
  
"Yes, sir!" Pippin threw up a mock salute, and Merry returned it.  
  
"Frodo, our job is to..."  
  
"Wax his boots!" said Frodo, jumping too much in excitement and falling out of his chair.  
  
BAM  
  
"Frodo!" Merry said in a harsh whisper. "The last thing we need is for him to come downstairs and seeing what we are doing!"  
  
The four listened for a moment, but the floorboards above their heads remained uncreeking.  
  
Frodo picked himself up and hopped back in his chair.  
  
"Anyway, we need to get Legolas drunk as soon as possible. That means that you have to drink as well. I'll have a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of ginger ale under the counter," Merry explained as he held up the two bottles.  
  
"I get to have the whiskey right?" Frodo said eagerly.  
  
"No, you get to have the ginger ale," Merry said, putting the bottles down.  
  
"But I want whiskey!"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"With sugar on top?"  
  
"NO DAMNIT!"  
  
Frodo sunk in his chair, disappointed.  
  
"Frodo, you can't wax Legolas's shoes if you are drunk!"  
  
"OH!" Frodo said as his eyes widened in understanding.  
  
"You understand now?" Merry asked. Frodo nodded. "Good. While we are getting Legolas shit-faced, Sam will be hiding Legolas's bow. Now Sam, where are you going to hide it?"  
  
"Under this floorboard," said Sam as he lifted a loose piece of wood up from the floor. There was a small chamber underneath it that was about two feet deep and large enough for the bow to rest easily. In it were arrows, satchels, and a couple of knives that Merry and Pippin had already lifted from Legolas. It was on the hobbit side of the bar, and Legolas never sat there for the lack of comfort owing to his height.  
  
"Then, Frodo you get to---"  
  
"WAX HIS BOOTS!" Frodo practically yelled.  
  
"Exactly! I'll coax him into taking off his boots. But before you can wax them Frodo, I'm going to put a special lotion inside of them. Okay?"  
  
Frodo nodded, and continued to nod until he was stopped by Sam.  
  
"Good," said Merry. He then turned to Pippin. "After I get him tanked, it's all in your hands from there mate. You explain it to Sam and Frodo."  
  
"Right," said Pippin, getting out of his chair and rubbing his hands together. "Sam, after you have hidden Legolas's bow, meet up with me by the stairs. When Legos gets drunk, all he cares about is more beer or whiskey. He might even flirt with Merry, so---"  
  
"HEY!" Merry jumped to alertness as he was resting in his chair. "That is NOT something that I want to have repeated!"  
  
"From what I hear, Legolas was hitting on you pretty good last night."  
  
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT!"  
  
"A little birdy."  
  
"A little birdy my ass..." said Merry as he resumed his seat.  
  
"Well then...anyway, when we get to Legos's room, we're going to have a quick recap of what booby traps we know of," Pippin said, picking up the map that was lying down on the counter.  
  
"Can we go over it one more time before then?" Sam asked, squirming in his seat.  
  
"Sure, have a look." Pippin handed the map to Sam.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Sam spread the map out on one of the tables (which were all right side up now) to examine it.  
  
It was simply drawn. Legolas's room was completely safe with the exception of his closet, but his bathroom was another matter. Before even setting foot inside, the doorknob had to be turned a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, open, closed, then opened again. If not, then when he and Pippin walked inside they would be barraged by mini-arrows, then a portcullis would lower itself before one could even reach the sink, which was six feet away from the door.  
  
The goal was about twenty feet away from the door: the shower. Once inside the shower, they were safe no matter what. Legolas wouldn't do anything that might endanger his shower. Located inside the shower were the targets: hair care products and soaps.  
  
Pippin had mixed a special potion that had effects that he would not share with Sam. He felt a little distraught that Pippin couldn't trust him, but he figured that he would learn soon enough.  
  
"Got everything?" asked Pippin as he was looking over Sam's shoulder.  
  
"I think so," replied Sam.  
  
"Just remember that there will probably be more traps than what is there. But the most deadly are defiantly on the map."  
  
Sam swallowed hard. "Deadly?"  
  
"Just messing with ya, Sam," said Pippin as he pat Sam on the back.  
  
Sam's voice quavered. "Right..."  
  
"Hey, Merry." Pippin tapped Merry on the shoulder as he was still explaining to Frodo exactly what was going to happen to Legolas's boots before he could wax them.  
  
"Yeap?"  
  
"So where is the bugger? If we are going to punk him he needs to be down here."  
  
"Well, judging by the screams I heard last night, I would say that you wet his bed as well," Merry said as Pippin shuffled his feet. "So he'll probably be washing his sheets in his bathroom...which is perfect because most of his booby traps will probably be off since he is in there."  
  
"True. But how are we going to get him down here?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Well you can't go up. In fact, I would be sitting by the fire until I get him tanked. Maybe I'll send Sam up. Or Frodo...no, Frodo would ruin it..." Merry trailed on, wondering who should go to retrieve Legolas.  
  
"Could I be of some assistance?" came a voice from the door. Everyone looked to where the voice had come from and was startled.  
  
"Gandalf!" cried Frodo, who ran over to hug the wizard. "It's wonderful to see you!"  
  
"Ummmm...Frodo, my dear boy, what did I tell you about the difference in the slang of the time before and after the War of the Ring?" Gandalf said, ruffling the hobbit's hair.  
  
"Oh, right!" Frodo said with sudden cheeriness. "Wat up dawg!"  
  
"You're hopeless..." said Gandalf as he proceeded to remove his traveling cloak. In doing so, he revealed that his old gray robes had replaced his white ones that he had worn years before.  
  
"Gandalf? What happened to your nice white robes?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Fool of a Took! Do you have anything better to do than reprimand me on my attire? Are you implying that these robes are not NICE enough for you?"  
  
"No, sir..." Pippin walked behind the bar and poured himself an ale. For some reason or another, getting chided by Gandalf was one of the few things that Pippin didn't handle very well.  
  
"And who are you to be talking, young Peregrin? You haven't even got a shirt over yourself!" Gandalf said, gesticulating to Pippin's bare chest.  
  
"It's a long story, Gandalf. Have a seat," said Merry, pulling up one of the larger chairs.  
  
"Thank you Meriadoc. Nice to see that at least one of you two has matured since I last saw you."  
  
Pippin was now sulking behind the counter.  
  
"Oh Peregrin, get that look off your face. You know I'm just messing with your head."  
  
Pippin smiled and took another swig of his ale.  
  
"So Mr. Gandalf sir, where have you been over the years?" asked Sam, leaning in keenly.  
  
"Well...I've been back to the Misty Mountains. I've been to Moria to check up on Gimli."  
  
"How is he doing by the way?" asked Merry.  
  
"Very well. Moria is prospering once more."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Go on!" urged Sam.  
  
"Right...I went to Rivendell and stopped by Bree before coming here."  
  
"That can't be all!" whined Sam.  
  
"Oh yes it can if I want it to be Samwise Gamgee! Now for our sake and sanity SHUT UP!" Gandalf roared. Sam cowered and sunk in his chair. "Now after you humiliate Legolas and threaten your lives, I brought some fireworks with me---"  
  
Merry and Pippin caught each others eye, but Gandalf, too tired and weary from his journey, didn't notice.  
  
"---and I'll set some off if the four of you live through the next two days."  
  
"Well that's great and all, but will you go get Legolas now? It's getting late and we have been planning all day," Pippin asked. Gandalf glared at him as Pippin sunk into a chair, sipping his ale meekly.  
  
"Fool of a Took, of course I will. I'm looking forward to this as much as you are!" And with that, Gandalf went up the stairs and out of sight.  
  
"Do you think it's gonna work?" asked Sam.  
  
"Of course it will, now that Gandalf's here!" Frodo said.  
  
"Things can go wrong even when Gandalf's around Frodo," said Merry.  
  
"True," said Pippin, shuttering as the terrible memories of Moria came back to him for a split second.  
  
"Did you hear that about the fireworks Pip?" Merry asked with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eye. Pippin quickly scrabbled around in Gandalf's bag, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He finished what he was doing and closed the bag.  
  
"No, I was staring at the ceiling, shitting myself and paying no attention whatsoever...of course I heard him! We're going to have to lift a few before he leaves."  
  
"Here they come!" said Sam, looking towards the stairs.  
  
Pippin ran and sat in one of the high-backed chairs that were facing the fire so that Legolas wouldn't be able to see him.  
  
"---and so I wake up and I'm thinking, by Mordor, I've wet bed! And...and...and..."  
  
Legolas was sobbing uncontrollably as Gandalf helped him down the stairs, one by one.  
  
"There, there Legolas...it wasn't you, was it? Three guesses it was that fool of a Took, Peregrin," Gandalf said, reaching the last step.  
  
"I-i-i-it w-w-was!"  
  
"Well, I shall deal with him later," said Gandalf, glancing over at the fireplace, where Pippin was sinking extremely low in his chair.  
  
"W-w-w-where is that s-s-s-stupid hobbit! I'll k-k-kill him!" shouted Legolas, stumbling around madly.  
  
"We'll look for him later, Legolas. Come, have a drink with the other, more mature hobbits."  
  
"O-o-o-okay."  
  
Merry, Sam, and Frodo all smiled at Legolas, trying to comfort him.  
  
"Aw, Legolas. S'ok, we need to get him back too. He wet all our beds too," said Merry, pouring Gandalf and Legolas whiskey and Frodo, Sam, and himself ginger ale.  
  
"He didn't wet mine, I didn't sleep in a bed," said Frodo, crossing his arms.  
  
"Oh shut up Frodo," said Merry, handing out the mugs out to his fellow hobbits and the big-folk. Sam just sipped at his ginger ale, which he actually thought was whiskey.  
  
"Merry! This isn't whiskey, this is---MPHMMMPH!!"  
  
Merry and Frodo had both quickly placed their hands over Sam's mouth.  
  
Back in the corner, Pippin muttered to himself, "Stupid Sam...he'll ruin everything..."  
  
Traveling back over to the bar now..  
  
"W-w-what was that S-s-sam?" Legolas said through his sobs and swigs.  
  
"Nothing," Merry, Sam, and Frodo sharply said simultaneously.  
  
"Okay...*HIC*..." Legolas was now hiccupping due to the fact that he was drinking his whiskey by the gulp. His whiskey was quickly downed in a matter of seconds.  
  
"So, Gandalf," started Merry, "what's the word from Aragorn?"  
  
"Last I heard he was on his way here," Gandalf said casually, sipping at his whiskey.  
  
"WHAT?!" yelled Merry and Pippin: Pippin, forgetting about hiding and standing up in alarm. He promptly sat down when Legolas turned. Gandalf and Frodo, who were sitting on either side of him, quickly turned him back around. The whiskey was already having effect on him, so he shrugged and started on his second pint.  
  
"Gandalf," Legolas whispered in the wizard's ear, "'Tis the fair elf maiden that I met last night!"  
  
"Where?" said Gandalf, finishing his whiskey and lighting his pipe.  
  
"Right there! The bartendress...she's beautiful..." said Legolas as he got lost in his own thoughts. Sam and Frodo, as well as Merry, could easily hear what the elf was saying. Sam looked away and suppressed his giggles, and Merry started watering down Legolas's whiskeys. In fact, Legolas was so loud that Pippin's laughter was audible, but the elf was oblivious. Frodo heard it as well, got down from his seat, went behind the bar, and began to melt the wax.  
  
However, Pippin wasn't laughing at the fact that Legolas was hitting on Merry. It was the fact that Gandalf wasn't smoking his usual Old Tobey. He was smoking a very strong weed that was a combination of king's foil leaves and roots. King's foil was a favorite in Gondor, and it had grown on Pippin while he was there. When he ran out of leaves, he used the roots. He remained high the rest of the day. A few days later, he used a combination of the leaves and roots. He got in one puff before he was seeing dancing...  
  
"Oh! Look at the dancing leprechauns!" yelled Gandalf, jumping in his seat.  
  
"What?" said Merry, almost dropping the bottle of watered-down whiskey.  
  
"There! Oh ho! And there!" Gandalf was pointing to invisible objects that were moving about the floor.  
  
"Gandalf, whatever is in your pipe, please give me some before you leave," said Merry.  
  
"Me too," said Sam.  
  
"It's only Old Tobey! Ho ho!" said Gandalf, hooting in delight as the leprechauns started doing a jig.  
  
"Only Old To---" Sam didn't finish his sentence, for he was interrupted by Legolas.  
  
"Fair elf maiden, will you sail across the sea and live with me forever?" Legolas asked as he seized Merry's hand.  
  
Upon hearing what Legolas was saying, Pippin decided that now was the right time to begin the plan. He got out of his seat and motioned to Sam to get the bow and hide it.  
  
"I LOVE YOU!" yelled Legolas. Pippin doubled over in silent laughter as Sam easily hid Legolas's bow. Pippin picked up a satchel and slung it over his shoulder. Merry was frantic. He was being proposed to by an elf, and the only sane person in the room was an extremely high wizard.  
  
Merry looked at the stairs and saw Sam and Pippin creeping up them. Just before they rounded the corner, Pippin gave him a mock solute and a look that said, "You're on your own!"  
  
"Say, Legolas, would you like to take off your boots? I'm sure that you would be much more comfortable," said Merry, playing along with Legolas and lying down on the table.  
  
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas, letting go of Merry's hand and shoving his boots into the hobbit's hands.  
  
"I'll keep them behind the counter for you...hold on, I'll put them in a special place just for you!" said Merry, tapping Legolas on the nose with a wink. Merry jumped down from the bar and pulled out an unmarked bottle.  
  
"That was priceless!" whispered Frodo.  
  
"Yeah, well, just remember that it's all fake," said Merry, looking Frodo square in the eye. He poured all of the contents inside the boots and handed them to Frodo.  
  
"What did you put in them?"  
  
"You'll see," said Merry.  
  
"Okay," said Frodo as he proceeded to put wax on the bottom of Legolas's boots. "Hey Merry?"  
  
"Yep?" said Merry as he was climbing back onto the bar.  
  
"Why am I waxing his boots?"  
  
"You'll see."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Legolas was grinning like a fool, his eyes fixated on Merry.  
  
"Elf maiden has a nice rack," said Legolas, practically drooling.  
  
"Um...thanks..." said Merry, lying down again propping his head up with a hand. "Now, I heard that you were in the War of the Ring?"  
  
"Of course I was! I saved the world!" said Legolas.  
  
THUD  
  
Gandalf had passed out on the floor.  
  
"I thought he was getting too quiet..." Merry said to himself. Behind the bar, Frodo just shrugged and continued waxing.  
  
"Handsome, do you think that you could put him on one of the couches over there?" asked Merry, batting his eyelashes at the elf.  
  
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas. With astounding ease, he lifted the wizard and carried him in a crooked path to one of the couches and staggered back to the bar.  
  
"If he can walk, then he isn't drunk enough..." thought Merry. He poured Legolas straight whiskey, and added a few extra drops of pure alcohol for good measure.  
  
"So you were saying?" Merry said, lying down again as he handed Legolas his drink.  
  
"So there we were in Moria..."  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Sam and Pippin quickly ran to Legolas's room. In his fits, he hadn't locked his door when Gandalf came to get him.  
  
"Well that was easy," said Sam as they entered the room.  
  
"Too easy, Sam," said Pippin. "Something isn't right..."  
  
Pippin was all too wrong. Legolas was simply careless. This was their lucky day.  
  
"Alright, I'll do the door," said Pippin as he turned the handle a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, opened the door, closed it, and then opened it again. Sam and Pippin took a deep breath as they set foot into the bathroom. They closed their eyes as they took another step.  
  
When none of the booby traps went off, they opened their eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. They walked casually towards the shower.  
  
BOOM  
  
The portcullis had closed behind them. Then they saw it: a single piece of string was tangled around Sam's foot. He had triggered the portcullis to come crashing down behind them.  
  
"Damn it, stupid Sam!" Pippin yelled. Sam flinched. "If Legolas finds us trapped in here, we're in deep shit!"  
  
"Sorry!" said Sam apologetically.  
  
"Sorry isn't enough! All well, we need to get the job done." Pippin reached into his satchel and pulled out three bottles. Then, he opened the shower curtains.  
  
"Tell me Pip, what do you need me for?" asked Sam.  
  
"For this," said Pippin. "Get down on your hands and knees."  
  
"What are you gonna do?" asked Sam.  
  
"The bottles are too high for me to reach," said Pippin.  
  
"But why do I have to bend down?" asked Sam.  
  
"Because I'm taller! Now get down!"  
  
"Oh," said Sam, as he got down on all fours. Pippin stood up on his back and fingered the two bottles that contained Legolas's shampoo and conditioners. He knocked them over one after the other onto the floor.  
  
BANG  
  
BANG  
  
They didn't have time to see if Legolas had heard them or not. Pippin opened Legolas's bottles and emptied them down the drain. He then replaced them with the liquids that were in the three bottles that were in his satchel.  
  
"What's in those bottles that you have?" asked Sam.  
  
"Well, one is curling shampoo. The other is a pure oil/petroleum mix that will leave his hair greasy for days. I'm putting that in the conditioner bottle," explained Pippin.  
  
"Won't he notice the different smell?"  
  
"That's what the third bottle is for. It's a strawberry scented potion that will make anything it's mixed with smell like strawberries. Legolas only uses strawberry-smelling products."  
  
"Oooooooohhhhhh!" said Sam.  
  
"Done," said Pippin as he finished mixing the concoctions. "Now, get back down so I can put the bottles back."  
  
Sam got back down on all fours as Pippin tipped the bottles back onto their self in the shower.  
  
"Right. Now we need to figure out how to get out of here," said Pippin as he put the empty bottles back in his satchel and scanning the room.  
  
"There is no way that we are going to be able to lift the portcullis," said Sam.  
  
"No shit Sherlock," said Pippin.  
  
"Sherlock again...who is Sherlock?" asked Sam.  
  
"He's...never mind, just shut up for a minute," said Pippin. His eyes fell upon a small window. Pippin, being lean, would easily fit through, but he was worried about Sam. The hobbit's girth had increased since the last time he saw him.  
  
"Sam, we're going to have to jump out the window," said Pippin.  
  
"Isn't it a long way down?" asked Sam, worried.  
  
"Kinda. Sorta. Not really. There are a lot of old table clothes outside right underneath this window. They got stained with a potion that exploded while Merry and I were messing with it and the blue and yellow never came out. It'll be a soft landing, don't worry," said Pippin.  
  
"I guess it'll be okay..." said Sam.  
  
"Of course it will. Now, hop in Legolas's shower and get yourself a little wet before going through the window," said Pippin as he began to unlatch the locks on the window. They opened to the outside to their luck.  
  
"Why?" asked Sam.  
  
"Because I'm worried that you won't fit Sam. You aren't skinny you know."  
  
"Am I fat?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'm fat!"  
  
"No you're not Sam! I'm just skinny!"  
  
"I'm fat!"  
  
"Sam! You're like a hobbit should be!"  
  
"Then why are you skinny?"  
  
"Cos I spend all day shimmying up trees!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Now see? You just aren't meant to be skinny, okay?"  
  
"Okay," said Sam, climbing into Legolas's shower and getting himself wet. Then he climbed into the window. As Pippin suspected, he got stuck around the middle. Pippin pushed Sam's feet, and luckily, fell out with ease. So much ease that Pippin fell out of the window with him, for he had been pushing rather hard. They both landed in a heap on the sheets.  
  
Inside, only Merry and Frodo saw the two shapes fall from the sky.  
  
BAMF  
  
WHUMPH  
  
Outside, Pippin and Sam groaned as they go to their feet.  
  
"QUICK!" said Pippin as he realized that if Legolas turned, they would easily be seen. He grabbed Sam by the collar and dragged him around to the front of the house.  
  
Back inside, Merry was still toying with Legolas.  
  
"Oh, that was a wonderful story handsome! You must have killed THOUSANDS of orcs!"  
  
"Naturally," said Legolas.  
  
"Say, do you want your boots back now handsome?" asked Merry, looking over the counter and motioning Frodo.  
  
"Sure, m'lady," said Legolas, rolling his head a bit. Frodo came around from the bar and put Legolas's waxed boots back on. As he was doing so, Legolas's eyes rolled back and he head fell to the counter.  
  
BANG  
  
The elf was sleeping like a baby.  
  
Meanwhile, outside Pippin and Sam were sneaking back to the front of the tavern. As they rounded the corner, they heard a man's voice. They hid behind a bush and listened.  
  
"The road goes ever on and on, out from the door where it began..."  
  
The man began whistling as he tied his horse to one of the trees. His hair was shaggy, and his face unshaven. He wore the clothes of a Ranger, not those of the king that he was.  
  
"Aragorn!" whispered Pippin. Sam nodded in excitement. They came out from hiding and greeted their friend.  
  
"Aragorn!" yelled Pippin and Sam. They walked up to him and shook hands with the King of Gondor.  
  
"Pippin! Sam! How have you been?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Great!" said Pippin, nudging Sam's bruised ribs. He winced in pain.  
  
"How is the tavern? I've heard many good things about it!"  
  
"Even better! Legolas and Gandalf are inside, though I'm afraid that you won't have much success in talking to them. Legolas is drunk and hitting on Merry again and I believe that Gandalf is passed out from weed on a couch," said Pippin, grinning.  
  
"Oh really? Well, let me inside to have a drink. The road has been long," said Aragorn, heading for the door.  
  
Inside, Legolas had awoken, sober as can be. Merry and Frodo were behind the bar, whispering. He heard something about "wax" and "shower". He rubbed his head and eyes. Then he snapped awake. Whenever he had gotten drunk, Merry and/or Pippin had always done something to him.  
  
"Meriadoc, what have you done this time?" Legolas asked as he tried to stand up. He fell down. He heard a squeal behind the bar and the pitter patter of running feet.  
  
"RUN!" yelled Merry.  
  
Enraged, Legolas tried to stand up again. He fell, again.  
  
BANG!  
  
Outside, Pippin had just reached for the door handle when the door flung open, and Merry and Frodo came charging out at them, yelling.  
  
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Frodo yelled. Merry grabbed Pippin by the arm and dragged him behind the tavern. Sam and Frodo followed. Aragorn, curious of what was going on, peered inside the tavern to see Legolas getting up, taking two steps, slipping, getting up, taking two steps, and slipping over and over again. The king fell in laughter as the elf finally reached the door.  
  
"WHICH WAY DID THEY GO!" roared Legolas.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Okay, I'm VERY sorry that I had to cut it off so short, but come on, I was at 15 pages and I have to get this posted  
  
I hope you kept your mind out of the gutter with all the 'action' between Merry and Legolas. Merry was just trying to keep Legolas busy. DO NOT get anything in your mind HINTING to the fact that I'm making this a slash because it is NOT.  
  
Ok, that's done.  
  
I'll be getting in the aftermath of the pranking in the next chapter...or it might be the one after that, cos there will be some punishing of hobbits. I have to do that to make a certain person feel better (aisling...)  
  
Anyway, I have a 3 day weekend, so I'll try to get the next chapter up sometime soon.  
  
Love and peace,  
  
court 


	12. Prank Wars: Part III

***sorry to leave you at another cliff hanger...but it's Memorial Day weekend and I'm taking full advantage of it to write this for my um...is it 7 fans? O_o  
  
Well, went back through my chapters and read in the preface that 'elves never need to sleep'. I need to make a correction. In order to become sober, elves must sleep. That is the only time.  
  
Sorry if I get names mixed up in this...I tend to do that and I'm sorry...hopefully you can make sense of it  
  
A brief refresher...Merry and Pippin got Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf into their plan to prank Legolas. They succeeded, but Legolas knows that they did something. Just as he realizes, Pippin and Sam meet Aragorn outside. The four hobbits hide as Legolas is searching for them...and this is where I start again  
  
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Aragorn looked on in confusion and roaring laughter as Legolas stumbled out the door outside in his rabid search of the four hobbits who had apparently waxed his boots. The king soon had to sit on the steps leading up to the tavern, for he had gotten a stitch in his side from all the laughter.  
  
"Did we loose him?" whispered Merry.  
  
"I think we lost him," replied Pippin, searching the ground. The four hobbits had used a ladder to get into one of the trees.  
  
"Frodo, pull up that ladder!" said Merry. Frodo nodded and grasped the top of the ladder and began to pull it up. A sudden shout startled the hobbit.  
  
"HALFLINGS! OOOPH!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!! OOPH!!"  
  
Legolas was shouting his lungs out as he continuously fell down.  
  
Frodo, in his brief fright, had let go of the ladder, which fell to the ground. It fell slowly to the hobbits, almost as if in slow motion.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO" cried Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Frodo flinched.  
  
"Frodo! I'm supposed to be the one who does the stupid stuff like that, not you!!" said Pippin, shaking Frodo violently.  
  
"Stop that!" yelled Sam.  
  
"Shut up Sam," said Merry. Sam shut up.  
  
"I didn't mean to! Legolas scared the shit outta me!" Frodo whined. A smell filled the air...  
  
"AWWW FRODO!!!" cried the other three hobbits. Pippin quickly climbed up onto a branch that was hanging overhead and Merry and Sam followed. Frodo tried to as well, but the other hobbits quickly took up as much space as possible on the branch.  
  
"Come on guys! It's not that bad! I don't want Legolas to see me!" said Frodo.  
  
"Tough shit man. You shouldn't have crapped your pants," said Merry.  
  
"Sorry Mr. Frodo, but I really don't want to sit with---OW!" said Sam, massaging his smacked head. "What was that for?"  
  
"What did we tell you about saying 'Mr. Frodo'?" Pippin said.  
  
"Oh, right," said Sam, looking away. "Sorry Frodo, but you smell like ass!"  
  
"Much better," said Merry.  
  
A few yards away, a twig snapped. "Get down!" Merry whispered. The four hobbits pressed themselves flat against the limbs of the tree, easily hidden by the silver foliage and bark. Legolas appeared. He hadn't taken off his boots, but rather, he had sat down and was picking off the wax. Frodo shed a single tear, for he had done a fine job on waxing the shoes.  
  
That single tear fell atop of Legolas's head. He stopped picking at his boots and looked up. He didn't see anything among the leaves of the tree. Luckily for the hobbits, it began to rain again. Legolas shrugged his shoulders and continued to pick at his boots until they were clean of all wax.  
  
A sudden thought came to Legolas.  
  
"I should get my bow..."  
  
He pondered on this for a moment, but decided that the hobbits had probably already taken his bow and either had it hidden with them or hidden somewhere else.  
  
"Can I help you at all Legolas?" came a voice. It was Aragorn.  
  
"Please!" said Legolas, standing up. "Did you see where they went?"  
  
"Sorry, no," lied Aragorn. He had seen the hobbits scramble up the tree and loose their ladder, but it would be all too much fun to have Legolas search for hours on end looking for them. The longer, the more enraged Legolas would be.  
  
"I shouldn't have left this ladder out here..." said Legolas, lifting up the ladder and setting it at the side of the tavern. "Are you sure you didn't see where they went?"  
  
"Positive. Maybe we should go wake up Gandalf to help?"  
  
"No!"  
  
Aragorn gave Legolas a funny look.  
  
"I mean, he's probably still high. Besides, I would like to torture them on my own..."  
  
At these words, Sam cringed. He squirmed a little, and in doing so, rustled some leaves. The sound went unnoticed by the king and the elf, but when Sam rubbed off a piece of bark with his leg, it fell to the ground. That the king and the elf noticed.  
  
"The tree...Aragorn! They are in the tree!" Legolas said, shielding his eyes against the rain. "Now I've got you!"  
  
"Shit, now you've done it!" said a very wet Pippin. He still had on his 'war paint', as did Frodo.  
  
"Stupid Sam!" said Frodo, smacking his fellow hobbit on the back of the head. Sam became off balanced, and in a tangled knot of arms and legs fell to the ground. He landed on top of Legolas.  
  
"OOOF!" Legolas said as he caught the hobbit before he was crushed by him.  
  
"Legolas! How are you!" Sam said in Legolas's arms.  
  
"Samwise..." Legolas said, his anger growing.  
  
"Um...gotta go! Later Legos!" Sam said, squirming out of Legolas's arms.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" said Legolas, who caught Sam by the collar. "Aragorn, watch after the tree. Don't let them down!"  
  
"Naturally," said Aragorn, drawing his sword. Narsil (a/n: or is it Narcil? I'm too lazy to bust out the book to look...cos I'm a Took! Sorry, I felt like rhyming...) glittered in the rain.  
  
Legolas left the tree and took Sam around the back of the tavern.  
  
Merry and Pippin peered down to where Aragorn was standing guard.  
  
"Aragorn, you are going to let us down, right?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Nope," Aragorn replied, polishing his sword.  
  
"What?!" said Frodo. "But Aragorn! You have to! Legolas will kill us!"  
  
"Oh he won't KILL you...just make you never forget that messing around with him is something to be punished," Aragorn explained.  
  
"Aragorn!" Merry pleaded.  
  
"You'll be next Aragorn!" yelled Pippin. He was already plotting.  
  
"I'm sure I will be. And when you do, I won't go psycho like Legolas. I'll just hang you up on a wall for a couple of hours," said Aragorn, who was now whittling a small figure out of a nearby twig.  
  
"Sounds good!" said Pippin.  
  
Back over to Legolas and Sam...  
  
"Aw Legolas, I didn't do anything!" whined Sam.  
  
"I'm sure you didn't," said Legolas, picking up some rope as he tucked Sam under his arm.  
  
"Please don't kill me!" Sam said.  
  
"Oh I won't KILL you. I'm just going to make sure that you never forget the punishment for pranking an elf," said Legolas, walking up to one of the trees behind the tavern.  
  
He put Sam down and tightly wrapped a length of rope around Sam's hands and binding his feet in the same fashion. Then, he took a third piece of rope that was longer than the others and tied the two bonds on Sam's hands and feet together and wrapped the remaining rope around the trunk of the tree, sitting Sam down on his rump.  
  
"Don't move," said Legolas with a cruel smile and walking away.  
  
"Like I have a choice?" said Sam. Legolas looked over his shoulder and glared at the hobbit. Sam didn't say another word.  
  
When Legolas came back to the silver tree, there were now three hobbits in deep conversation with Aragorn. As he got close, he could hear what they were saying.  
  
"Aragorn! Please! We'll let you have free ale for life, just don't let Legolas get hold of us!"  
  
Legolas could tell who it was instantly: Pippin. His accent was always a dead giveaway.  
  
"Pippin, for the last time, I'm not going to let you down!" said Aragorn, looking up at the hobbits. Rain splashed on his face.  
  
"Aragorn, how are they doing?" asked Legolas.  
  
"They want to come down," said Aragorn with a smile.  
  
"Of course they do." Legolas smiled as well.  
  
"Maybe we should just leave them here?" Aragorn suggested. "We could go inside AND DRINK ALL THE FINE ALES!" Aragorn stressed the last words in a loud voice so that the hobbits could hear them.  
  
"NO!" shouted Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Legolas. "You know, we should do that. But that is just cruel and unusual punishment."  
  
"As if this isn't?" Frodo yelled.  
  
Legolas looked up into the rain. It was coming down so hard now that he couldn't look up without shielding his eyes with a hand. He still could only make out vague shapes.  
  
Up in the tree...  
  
"Merry! What are we gonna do? Do you think they really might drink the fine ales?" asked Pippin with a very concerned voice.  
  
"I dunno...but we have to get out of this tree!" Merry said, looking around for some sort of exit.  
  
"Merry! Pippin! Over here!" came a voice from nowhere. The two hobbits knew it was Frodo, but they couldn't see him anywhere. He wasn't on the branch that he had crapped on.  
  
"Frodo! Where are you?" asked Merry to the disembodied voice of Frodo.  
  
"Look behind you! Across the path!" Merry and Pippin turned to see Frodo on the other side of the path in another tree.  
  
"How did you get over there?!" asked Pippin.  
  
"Easy. The branches of all the trees intertwine over the path. I just crawled over on one of the lower branches!" explained Frodo. It was so simple that Merry and Pippin wondered why they didn't think of it first.  
  
"Stay there! We're coming too!" said Merry as he began to make his way over towards the intertwining branches.  
  
"I think it's best if we stay in different trees Merry," said Pippin behind him.  
  
"Good idea. Frodo! Move to another tree!" said Merry.  
  
"Gotcha," said Frodo, quickly moving from the blue tree he was in to a gold and green one. The conversation was hidden by the sound of the pouring rain, that was coming down in monsoon proportions. The hobbits, the king, and the elf were all soaked through and through.  
  
Once safely in another tree, Pippin stopped Merry before moving onto the next tree.  
  
"Here use some of this," said Pippin, pulling out his Elfish snuff, "put some of this all over you and but some leave on it while it's still wet. Use the green leaves." Pippin put globs of the snuff all over his bare chest and picked out a handful of green leaves amid the blue ones from over head. He stuck them onto himself: a makeshift camouflage. He then put globs on his face before handing the tin to Merry. He tried to stick a couple of globs to his shirt, but it just ran down his shirt.  
  
"Pippin! It's not working!" Merry said, looking down at the black streams that were running down his shirt.  
  
"I dunno...it works on me!" shouted Pippin, who was now at another tree.  
  
"You don't have a shirt on!" Merry shouted back.  
  
"A shrirt? That's it! Take off your shirt!" shouted Pippin, crawling and settling into a golden tree and blending in almost seamlessly amid a cluster of green leaves.  
  
Merry unbuttoned his shirt as quickly as he could, for he saw Legolas approaching his tree. He wasn't quick enough. All the fast movements drew Legolas's attention to the tree overhead. He looked up and looked into a pair of hobbit eyes that were staring back at him in horror.  
  
"PIPPIN!" Merry cried. Legolas bent down and picked up a small stone that was on the wet path. He chucked it at Merry, who barely dodged it.  
  
"PIPPIN! A LITTLE HELP?" Merry shouted. Another stone went whizzing by his left ear. Merry got no reply from Pippin, so he tried Frodo.  
  
"FRODO! HELP ME! FRO---"  
  
Legolas hit his mark. Merry fell from his branch in slow motion as Pippin watched him fall. The Took remained silent, for he knew that while Merry was doomed, he would not be if he remained quiet.  
  
Merry landed in Aragorn's ready arms.  
  
"Got him?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Well, he's right here in my arms...so what do you think dumb ass?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Um, right. Take him to the back and tie him to a tree like I did to Sam. He should wake up in about ten minutes, so be quick."  
  
Aragorn walked past Legolas and disappeared behind the tavern. Legolas turned his eyes to the trees again in search for the remaining hobbits.  
  
"Two down, two to go..." Legolas couldn't help thinking.  
  
Pippin was perfectly hidden among the leaves, but Frodo was not. He stuck out like a sore thumb amid the red and green that he was trying to blend into. The pouring rain began to let up. Legolas searched the trees, but didn't see Pippin. He kept walking closer and close to Frodo's tree. Frodo saw Legolas coming, and tried to climb higher in the trees. The rain had let up enough that Legolas heard him.  
  
The elf ran to the tree like a hound after a fox. He looked up and saw a pair of ungodly blue eyes starting back at him. Legolas smiled and began to climb the tree with the assistance of a nearby ladder.  
  
Pippin saw his chance. It was risky. It was dangerous. It was worth it. He climbed down to the lowest branches and hung by his fingers for a moment or two before letting go. Thunder boomed as he fell to the ground, the shattering sound engulfing his wet landing. Pippin rolled as his feet hit the ground, and he stood up quickly and ran behind a tree. He peered out from behind it. Legolas was still climbing the tree. There was nothing more Pippin could do for Frodo  
  
"And then there was one..." came a voice from behind Pippin. Pippin almost yelped, but a large hand muffled it.  
  
"Aragorn..." Pippin thought. Pippin turned around, only to see that it wasn't Aragorn behind him, but Gandalf. The highless wizard was grinning at him.  
  
"I must give you credit, that was some of the finest weed that I have ever smoked you fool of a Took. I call you a fool, for I could have had Legolas drugged until morning and you could have had him do anything you wanted him. But no, you had to get me high. Sucks for you," said Gandalf. "As payment for your wrong, you must give me two pounds of that fine weed."  
  
"Fine, just help me!" pleaded Pippin.  
  
"Very well. I will help you...soon enough. You'll be spared, but the others I'm afraid are subject to Legolas's torture.  
  
"But---"  
  
"No 'but's. It's their own fault they got caught," said Gandalf with a wink. Pippin smiled and ran into the tavern, locking the door behind him. His back was against the door, and he was breathing heavily.  
  
Back outside...  
  
Legolas had reached the first limbs of the tree that Frodo was in, and the ladder was of no use. Gandalf walked up to the base of the tree and shouted up to the elf.  
  
"May I be of some assistance Legolas?"  
  
"Would you mind conjuring up something to knock this hobbit out of the tree? He keeps climbing up!"  
  
"Certainly...ABRA KADABRA!" Gandalf shouted. Legolas looked down skeptically at the wizard.  
  
"Come on Gandalf! There is no way that is a real---"  
  
CRACKBABOOM  
  
A bolt of lightning hit the tree.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!"  
  
Frodo landed in Legolas's arms.  
  
"I'll have to remember that one..."  
  
Legolas looked down to thank Gandalf, but the wizard was gone. Legolas shrugged and proceeded to climb down the ladder with a limp and smoking hobbit in his arms.  
  
Back inside...  
  
"He has Frodo doesn't he?" asked Pippin. Gandalf nodded and proceeded to the bar.  
  
"Do you mind if I help myself to a pint?" asked the wizard.  
  
"No, just don't get drunk. I might need you later," Pippin said as he looked outside. "Sweet Jesus!" he shouted as he saw Sam and an unconscious Merry tied up to different trees while Legolas was tying Frodo to a third. Aragorn was standing guard over Sam, who was fighting furiously against the ropes.  
  
"Gandalf! I gotta help them!" cried Pippin.  
  
"You got yourself into this mess, and you have to get yourself out of it, both now and when the true effects of your mindless prank occur to Legolas. Quite honestly, I would simply tell Legolas what the other pranks are to save you some grief," said Gandalf.  
  
"I can't! We've worked to hard for this!" said Pippin, looking back outside. The rain was coming down harder than ever, and his friends were miserable.  
  
"We? Pippin, there is no 'we'! It's just you now!" said Gandalf, looking Pippin in the eye as he faced the wizard again.  
  
"I have to do this! I have no choice!" yelled Pippin.  
  
"Well there is no changing your mind. Do what you want," said Gandalf as he took a swig of his beer. Gandalf had always preferred beer to ale.  
  
"But what do I do...." pondered Pippin, looking around the tavern. He came up blank.  
  
"Gandalf, could you at least do a spell for me? I'll give you two more pounds of my weed!" said Pippin.  
  
Gandalf thought for a moment.  
  
"What do you wish of me?" asked Gandalf with a smile.  
  
"Is there any way that you can make me invisible?" asked Pippin.  
  
Gandalf smiled even bigger.  
  
"Of course...ALAKAZAM!"  
  
"Did it work?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Where are you?" said Gandalf, looking around for Pippin.  
  
"Great! Thanks!" said Pippin as he strolled out the door.  
  
Gandalf laughed in spite of himself as the door closed.  
  
Pippin walked confidently past Legolas and Aragorn, who were plucking the hairs off Sam's feet. Pippin began to untie Merry first since he was the furthest away from the tormentors.  
  
"It's okay Merry, it's me," said Pippin as he was untying.  
  
"Um...Pip?" said Merry.  
  
"Yeah, it's me."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Freeing you of course."  
  
"Pip."  
  
"Yep?"  
  
"Are you mad?"  
  
"No I'm not, why should I be?"  
  
"Pip."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you need a straight jacket?"  
  
"Merry! I'm not mad! Now shut up or Legolas will hear you!"  
  
"Pip?"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"I don't think you have to worry about them hearing you."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"Cos I think they've seen you."  
  
"Impossible! Gandalf put an invisibility spell on me!"  
  
Pippin finished untying the last of the knots.  
  
"Pip."  
  
"Yep?"  
  
"I suggest you run."  
  
"No, I have to free Sam and Frodo first."  
  
"Whatever. Goodbye"  
  
Merry sprinted off towards the tavern. Legolas and Aragorn looked on dumbfounded as Pippin proceeded to untie Frodo and Sam as he was throwing insults at them.  
  
"Ha! Can't see me now, can ya Legos? Look at the mighty King of Gondor now!"  
  
Frodo was free, and like Merry, sprinted to the tavern. Legolas and Aragorn were still dumbfounded. Pippin threw a rock at Aragorn, and it bounced off his head.  
  
"OoOoOoO!!! Where did that come from Aragorn? Can't find me? HA!" said Pippin as he finished untying Sam, who made like Merry and Frodo. Pippin lagged behind and danced around Legolas and Aragorn, yelling "NA NA, NA NA, NANANANANANA! YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"  
  
Sometime while Pippin was doing his stupid little dance, Legolas and Aragorn came to their senses.  
  
"Pippin, wait 'til I get my hands on you..." threatened Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, I'm feart!" mocked Pippin, who continued to dance. Legolas stood up and grabbed Pippin by the collar.  
  
"Oh shit..."  
  
"Oh shit indeed Peregrin!" Legolas said as he led the hobbit towards the tavern. "Aragorn! Leave the other hobbits alone when we get inside! They've had enough! Pippin is MINE!" Legolas stressed the last word, and Pippin swallowed hard.  
  
Legolas opened the door, and Pippin could see that Merry was serving Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam drinks.  
  
Pippin looked into Gandalf's twinkling eyes and knew.  
  
"Gandalf!" Pippin cried as Legolas led him to the coat rack. Legolas pulled down Pippin's trousers a bit, exposing a little of his underpants. He yanked them hard.  
  
"EEEIAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
As Pippin was trapped in a state of pain, Legolas hung the hobbit by the underpants on the coat rack and left him dangling. He returned to the bar, where Aragorn was now drinking along with the wizard and the hobbits.  
  
"Leave him there for a few minutes then let him down. I'm going to take a shower," instructed Legolas. He turned his back to Merry, Sam, Frodo, and even Pippin's smiling faces. However, Pippin's smile was quickly overcome by tears.  
  
"Oh, Legolas," said Merry. Legolas turned.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Pippin and Sam tried to get into your bathroom, but the portcullis went down before they could get far. Just thought you should know."  
  
"Thanks. I'm glad that thing actually works."  
  
Legolas disappeared up the stairs, mumbling "Stupid hobbits. Stupid curly hair. Stupid hairy feet..."  
  
"Okay, he's gone. You can let me down now."  
  
Aragorn drew his sword. "One of you moves and you'll be up there as well."  
  
Merry sat back down.  
  
"Leave him for one minute, and then I'll get him down," said Aragorn. "I'm not THAT cruel."  
  
It was the longest minute of Pippin's life, but he grinned and bore it. At last, a minute was up. Aragorn walked over to Pippin and took him down from the coat rack. He tried to stand Pippin up, but he fell in a heap on the floor, grabbing his ass. His eyes were wide open in pain.  
  
"Give him a shot of whiskey," said Merry, putting a shot glass on the table. Aragorn picked it up and picked up Pippin's head and forced it into his mouth. Instantly, Pippin was up on his feet and sitting at the bar...in one of the padded seats of course. A wad of stretched fabric was hanging out from the back of his trousers.  
  
"Bet that hurt, didn't it?" asked Sam.  
  
"No, it felt really good," said Pippin sarcastically between sips of ale.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No, dip shit,"  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"Tell me Aragorn, why did you go against us all of a sudden out there?" asked Frodo.  
  
"I needed a laugh," said Aragorn.  
  
"WHAT?" yelled all four hobbits. Gandalf looked on and chuckled. Aragorn fingered his sword and no one thought twice about pursuing the subject.  
  
"Merry, what was it that you put in Legolas's boots?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Rogain."  
  
"What's Rogain?"  
  
"You'll see."  
  
"Where did you get it?"  
  
"Ebay."  
  
"What's Ebay?"  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
"So Merry, why did you tell him that Sam and I got stopped by the portcullis?" asked Pippin.  
  
"So he wouldn't suspect," was all Merry said. Pippin nodded.  
  
"I think I missed something," said Aragorn. "You can tell me, I'm not going to do anything to you anymore."  
  
"Hmmmm...can we really trust him Pip?" asked Merry.  
  
"Naw, he can wait. It won't be long before Legolas realizes---"  
  
"GGGUUUUUUUURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HHHHAAAAFFFLLLINNNNNGGSSS!!!"  
  
A voice yelled in agony and anger from upstairs.  
  
"Now you'll see," said Pippin.  
  
Legolas came bounding down the stairs in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Strawberry scents filled the air. His hair was coiled in curls, even though it was wet, and it was greasy as could be. As the hobbits eyes fell downward, they saw thick, curly, yellow hair covering Legolas's feet. Not an inch of skin was visible.  
  
"TELL---ME---WHO!" spat Legolas.  
  
His words weren't heard, for the tavern was filled with laughter at the elf- sized, blond-haired hobbit.  
  
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Revenge of the hobbits! Haha, Legolas is a tall hobbit now! What do you think of that? Sorry to disappoint you...this chapter is only 14 pages as opposed to the 15 of the last chapter...so sad.  
  
Oh, and sorry to leave you at another semi-cliff hanger. They are tooooooo much fun.  
  
Love and peace  
  
Court 


	13. Prank Wars: Part IV, erm, Part I

**wow. Suddenly I have 2 hours of free time on my hands and I'm not packing! That means that I'm cooking up a short chapter for you!! Yay! This is the last part of the Prank Wars Quartet. If you don't remember what happened in the last chapter then SHAME ON YOU! MTV movie awards anybody?**  
  
Revenge  
  
Legolas Greenleaf was fuming at the bottom of the stairs. He was evilly eyeing all the creatures of the room, hobbit, man, and wizard alike as they were doubled over laughing. He grabbed the poor soul that was closest to him by the collar and demanded an explanation.  
  
Unfortunately, it was a hobbit.  
  
More unfortunately, it was a drunken hobbit.  
  
Even more unfortunately, it was a very, very drunken Frodo.  
  
If possible, even more, more unfortunately, the very, very drunken Frodo had no ability to keep a secret.  
  
"TELL.ME.WHO!!!!" Legolas demanded, bringing the drunken hobbit up to eye level. Frodo smiled and rolled his head. "TELL ME!" he yelled again, shaking the hobbit.  
  
"Legolas look like hobbit! Look like hobbit! Hahahahaha!!" was all Frodo said. "Pippin and Sam do good job ya know! Good job, good job! Hahaha! Hehehe!"  
  
Legolas dropped Frodo in shock. Pippin had pranked him? Over the weeks, Legolas had always caught them before they could do anything. Then he pranked them back. But the hobbits had never won before. He thought that Aragorn or Gandalf had done it.  
  
"Pippin? You did this?" Legolas asked in a meek voice.  
  
Pippin cowered behind the bar and answered, "Yes."  
  
Legolas smiled and walked over to the bar, resting his elbows on the counter.  
  
"I admit. You got me."  
  
"Wha-what?" Pippin said, shocked. Merry's jaw was hanging.  
  
"If anyone else had done it, I would have seriously shot them in the ass. But you finally got me. Congratulations."  
  
"Um.thanks?" Pippin said, coming out from behind the bar.  
  
"Sure. Maybe I'll let all this stuff sit in for a while. See what it's like to be a hobbit for a day," Legolas said, sitting down.  
  
"You wouldn't make it one day as a hobbit!" Merry said. "You're too prissy!"  
  
"I must agree with Merry, Legolas. Though I would pay to see you as a hobbit for a day, running around, two feet shorter than everyone else," said Aragorn.  
  
Legolas laughed in spite of himself. He knew he was prissy, so there was no point in denying it.  
  
"Bet I could!" he argued.  
  
"No way!" said Sam and Frodo.  
  
"Yeah way! And I bet you couldn't make it as an elf for a day!"  
  
"Bull shit! All of us hobbits could!" Pippin said with a smirk on his face as he sipped his ale.  
  
"Well there is only one way to decide this isn't there?" Gandalf said. Everybody jumped, for they had forgotten that he was there. He pulled out two pouches from his satchel. He held up one and said, "This will turn Legolas into a hobbit." He held up the other. "This will turn the hobbits into elves."  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at the bags with much longing and smiling (picture it like when they got the fire work in fotr). Frodo was plain grinning, and Sam was looking unsure. He was trying to figure the pros and cons of become an elf for a day.  
  
"HOBBIT HUDDLE!" he yelled. The four hobbits formed a huddle, pressing their faces close so 'no one' could hear.  
  
"Should we do it?" asked Sam. Frodo grinned even more and nodded his head violently. Sam had to hold Frodo's head to make him stop.  
  
"Definatly!" said Merry.  
  
"We can't pass this up! Think of what we can do to Legolas!" Pippin said.  
  
"Well, someone is going to have to teach Legolas a think or two about being a hobbit. One of us shouldn't take it," said Sam.  
  
"Not me!" said Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Frodo and I will. We don't need a drunk elf walking around," said Sam. Frodo looked dejected and sad. "It's for your own good Mr. Frodo-OW! Sorry! Sorry! Frodo! It's for your own good Frodo!" Sam said as Merry smacked him on the back of the head.  
  
"Okay. Merry and I will become elves while Sam and Frodo stay as they are to teach Legolas about being a hobbit? Ready? Break!" said Pippin as the huddle broke.  
  
"Are you ready?" said Gandalf.  
  
"Yep. Pippin and I will become elves, but Sam and Frodo are going to teach Legolas how to be a hobbit," explained Merry.  
  
"I don't need explaining!" said Legolas. "You're going to need it more than I will!"  
  
"Whatever. So how are we supposed to take this stuff?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Give me your ales...I don't trust you to put it in," said Gandalf as Merry, Pippin, and Legolas gave him their drinks. He took a pinch out of the bag that would make Legolas into a hobbit and put it in his drink and gave it back to the elf. He did likewise with Merry and Pippin's drinks, except he put the elf powder in them.  
  
"You might feel...a little weird at first, but it will wear off in a few seconds," said Gandalf. Merry, Pippin, and Legolas looked each other nervously in the eye before simultaneously drinking their ales. Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn looked on in awe.  
  
At first, the three didn't feel anything. They looked at each other, wondering when the potion would work. Pippin felt it first. His hands and feet were tingling. He looked at his fingers, growing larger by the second. He looked at his feet, which were hairless, and growing in the same way as his hands. His chair creaked as he grew too heavy for the seat.  
  
Pippin looked over at Merry, who was having the same difficulties. He was in an awkward state, as his hair was straightening and his torso was growing longer than his legs. Pippin tried to get out of his chair, but he was stuck. He pants were ripping as he grew. Unlike Merry, he wasn't in pain as his shirt ripped off his skin because he wasn't wearing one.  
  
SNAP  
  
BOOM  
  
Pippin fell to the ground as his chair snapped in two. He tried to stand, but like Merry, his torso was longer than his legs. He sat for a moment, watching his legs grow. He felt his ears shrink into much more delicate elfish ears. His eyesight improved: he could read the fine print label on a barrel that was at least thirty feet away. He could hear a squirrel scratching on the roof top.  
  
Merry and Pippin finally finished transforming when they looked over at Legolas. He was having a very difficult time.  
  
His head was much too small for his body. His ears were elongating and his feet and hands were far too small for his arms and legs. Finally, his limbs shrunk into him and he looked proportional. He was a hobbit.  
  
The three stood up to examine themselves. Merry and Pippin nearly fell, for when they rose, they kept rising above where they were used to standing. They stumbled around as they looked at the tavern from a new angle. They were in awe.  
  
As Legolas stood up, his towel promptly fell down from his waist, to the laughter of all in the room. As he quickly bent down to grab his towel, he shrieked at what he saw.  
  
"What is THAT?" he yelled.  
  
Merry and Pippin laughed.  
  
"That's what we call a 'little hobbit', Legos," said Merry.  
  
"Little indeed! How do you live..." said Legolas as his tied his towel around his waist.  
  
Merry and Pippin sized each other up and down.  
  
"Well look at his handsome elf!" said Pippin.  
  
"Very nice Pip," said Merry. "But I think we are going to need some bigger pants."  
  
"There is no way I'm wearing Legolas's ass hugging leather pants. Aragorn?" said Pippin.  
  
"Way ahead of you Pippin," said Aragorn, throwing Merry and Pippin each a pair of pants. "Do you need shirts?"  
  
"Naw. I'd rather show off," said Merry, flexing his muscles.  
  
"Great. Thanks," said Pippin as the two elves (that were hobbits) made their way into separate Big-Folk rooms to change.  
  
Gandalf looked on in amusement as Sam and Frodo were trying to teach Legolas how to be a hobbit.  
  
"This is so strange, seeing you at eye level," said Sam.  
  
"Shut up and teach me how to be a hobbit," said Legolas. Frodo giggled.  
  
"Right. First thing is that you have to get used to pulling yourself up a lot, ya know, to reach things that are over your head. Here," said Sam, putting a full mug of ale atop of the counter. "Reach this, but be careful. It's full."  
  
"Easy," said Legolas as he stood on tiptoe to reach the mug. He fingered it and brought it closer to him. Then, he became off balance. The mug tipped, and a shower of ale came down on him. Frodo quickly made a leap to sap up the drops that were dripping out of the mug, but Sam restrained him.  
  
"BAD FRODO! SIT!" said Sam. Frodo whined and sat.  
  
"I'm going to change clothes," said Legolas. "I'm soaked with ale, and I need to get out of this towel anyway." Legolas walked to the stairs."  
  
"Legolas, where do you think you're going?" said Aragorn.  
  
"To my room. To get clothes, moron."  
  
"You're clothes won't fit you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Here," said Sam. "I'll get you a pair of Frodo's trousers and one of his shirts." Sam left the pub and went back to his room.  
  
Meanwhile, when Merry and Pippin are changing...  
  
Pippin finished changing into his pants before Merry was. Aragorn's pants were a little big on him, so they fell down a little past his waist, but not off his hips. They were also a little baggy. He left his, or rather Merry's, ripped pants in the room as he went across the hall and knocked on Merry's door.  
  
Merry opened it up and let Pippin in.  
  
"Have you been thinking what I've been thinking?" asked Merry.  
  
"Of course," replied Pippin with an evil grin.  
  
"Let's get to it."  
  
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! CLIFFHANGER! But, my time has run short and I must end here. All the more to make you wanna see what I can come up with while I'm gone huh? This is just a little snack to keep you happy while I'm gone...I'll have a feast of ideas when I get back!  
  
Love and peace  
  
Court 


	14. Prank Wars: Part IV, erm, Part II

**right, so I guess this is part two of part four of the prank wars...I'm finally finishing this thing so I can move on and get other stuff done...I need some ideas soon from people or this shindig will quickly come to a close...maybe some interesting stuff while happen this summer that I can write about. I just finished the new harry potter book and seriously cried when I read who died. Don't examine that last sentence I wrote if you haven't read the book yet, cos it'll ruin it for you.  
  
Anyway, here we go..  
  
Peregrin Took had a dangerous look in his eye. Meriadoc knew it well, all too well. It was a look not of evil, but of mischief. "Ready Merry?" asked Peregrin. "Of course," replied Meriadoc.  
  
The two hobbits, or rather elves, made their way down the corridor and down the stairs. Merry threw out his arm to stop his friend when he heard a soft pouting coming from the pub. The two elves met eyes, smiled, and listened eagerly.  
  
"How can you do it? I must hand it to hobbits, they put up with a lot...I think I owe you all and apology..."  
  
Like music, Legolas's voice drifted up the stairs into Merry and Pippin's ears. They smiled all the broader, and leaned all the more to listen better in between the pause that Legolas took to blow his nose.  
  
"I mean, are you hobbits always this emotional?" Legolas asked, a string of snot hanging out of his nose.  
  
"Well...er...sometimes, if we get REALLY upset..." started Sam. Frodo was giggling uncontrollably. "Do you have something to say Frodo?" he asked the giggling hobbit, crossing his arms as if talking to a disobedient child.  
  
"Yes," said Frodo before he was again overcome by giggles.  
  
"Well go on and say it then!"  
  
"Sam cried when Bill the pony ate his cabbages!" Frodo burst, curling on the floor in fits of laughter.  
  
"I did not! He...er...stepped on my toe while I was...er... trying to get him away from the garden!" said Sam, with the obviousness of making the story up as he went along. "Honest!" he concluded as Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn, who scared everyone in the room with his barking laugh because everyone had forgotten he was there. Legolas wiped away his tears, only to find that fresh ones were falling from laughing so hard.  
  
Merry and Pippin were holding on to each other for dear life so that they didn't fall down the steps from shaking so much in silent laughter.  
  
"Sam! Tell them about the time you couldn't find your favorite hoe and broke down for days!" Frodo roared. Sam was forced to bite his lip from lashing out at Frodo, for the way that his friend had said the word 'hoe' was taken the wrong way by everyone in the tavern in that it meant a prostitute. Immediately, Sam was shaking hands with Aragorn.  
  
"I never knew you had it in ya Sam! Was this before or after you wed Rosie?" the Ranger asked.  
  
"Strider! I've never had a whore in my life! Ever! Yes, I did cry when I lost my hoe..."  
  
The room burst into laughter again.  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING! A hoe, you know, a hoe that you plow with?" Sam tried to explain, throwing his arms up in the air.  
  
"You plowed through your whore? Sam! I'm so proud!" said Legolas, clearly forgetting his saddened stated of being a hobbit. Sam quickly put him in his place.  
  
"I TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE A WHORE, HALFLING!" he roared, putting certain emphasis on the last word. Legolas shrank into his chair.  
  
"Now, a hoe," Sam began, and the giggles came again, though more suppressed now, "you rake with..."  
  
"You rack with? She had a nice rack?" Frodo burst, and the giggles broke their dams and laughter surged forth.  
  
"You're 'opeless..." said Sam as he quickly chugged the last of his whiskey.  
  
Merry and Pippin's faces were now a dark shade of maroon.  
  
"But Sam! Did you ever find you're 'hoe'?" said Aragorn.  
  
Sam muttered under his breath.  
  
"What's that you say?" asked Legolas.  
  
"He said he found her in the bed with Rosie!" Frodo yelled. Merry and Pippin were tilting...  
  
The tavern was filled with such laughter that the windows shook as a great wave of sounds of disgust preceded it.  
  
"I said that I found it in a bed of roses! Now lay off!" said Sam, clearly on the verge of tears. Aragorn was on the verge of mock-consoling the hobbit before he was interrupted.  
  
BA-BOOM  
  
BA-BOOM  
  
BA-BOOM BOOM  
  
Merry and Pippin's last amount of elfish strength had given way and they had tumbled down the last three stairs, doubled over on the floor in tears. Met with this sight of two fully grown elves, all of the tavern (with the exception of Legolas, who went back to pouting) was silent, not out of shock, but for the fact that they were laughing so hard that they could not breathe.  
  
Legolas, on the other hand, was fuming.  
  
"Meriadoc! Peregrin! You are ELVES for Elrond's sake! Why don't you grow up-" A short bark of laughter came from Aragorn, "and start acting like elves!"  
  
"Because being an elf but acting like a hobbit is so much fun!" said Merry.  
  
"Yes, think of what we can do to you and what you can't do to stop us!" said Pippin, the dangerous look back in his eye as he and Merry got to their feet. "Say, Gandalf, how long does this stuff last?" he asked the wizard as he tore his eyes away from the frozen-in-terror blonde hobbit who was whispering "you wouldn't!"  
  
There was no reply from Gandalf, who was sitting with his back to everyone in the tavern, smoke billowing out from in front of him.  
  
"Gandalf?" Pippin repeated. Aragorn tapped him on the shoulder, but the wizard didn't move. The Ranger tapped him again, but he still didn't move. Finally, Aragorn swung Gandalf around in his chair, and the room gasped.  
  
Gandalf was...well, in no other words to suit it, extremely high. He was squinting, smiling, and giggling with no idea what was going on in the room.  
  
"Great, just when I need to ask you something, you go and get high!" yelled Pippin.  
  
"Well short stuff," said Merry, looking Legolas in the eye, "Seeing as Gandalf can't do a thing to change us back for a while, Pippin and I will give you and Sam, no Frodo because he's drunk, a thirty-second head start."  
  
"Head start on what?" asked Legolas, stomach rumbling.  
  
"To run. Run your ass off, because it's payback time."  
  
Legolas's eyes grew wide, and he looked to Sam for confirmation that this was actually happening. Sam nodded. The two hobbits looked at the two elves, then back to each other, and ran full out to the door.  
  
Pippin put his hands on his hips jovially. "Hahahahahahaha! We've been waiting for this a long time ya kn--"  
  
BOOM  
  
Gandalf had passed out and hit the floor. Aragorn sighed, muttering things under his breath as he heaved the wizard onto a couch by the fire. As he did so, Frodo spotted a note on the counter where Gandalf had been sitting. He picked it up and read it, doubling back over it to make sure he was reading it right after rubbing his eyes vigorously.  
  
Merry and Pippin spotted the Ringbearer's dilemma. "What's up Frodo?" asked Merry.  
  
"Er...nothing," said Frodo as he pocketed the note. Aragorn returned from tending to Gandalf and snatched the note from the hobbit's pocket. Frodo made an attempted to regain it, but Aragorn held him at bay with his palm on the hobbit's head. The color in the Ranger's face faded as he read further down the note.  
  
"Do you think he's serious?" asked Aragorn to Frodo.  
  
"I think so...Gandalf wouldn't joke about something like this..."  
  
"Something like what?" asked Pippin, trying to peer over Aragorn's shoulder.  
  
"Nothing! I mean, nothing Pippin, don't you have some hobbits to torture?" said Aragorn, hastily stashing the note.  
  
"Right!" said Pippin.  
  
"Now where do you think they went?" pondered Merry.  
  
"Hmmmmm..." said Pippin, scratching his chin. As if to answer Merry's question, the two elves heard raised voices coming from the back yard. The elves smiled and exited. Pippin couldn't help but notice that Aragorn and Frodo were pouring over the note again as they left. He shrugged and went on with his hobbit-hunt.  
  
"Now Pippin, where could they be?" said Merry sarcastically.  
  
"Gee, I don't know Merry, maybe in THAT TREE?" said Pippin in the same tone, pointing to the very tree that Sam and Legolas were hiding in. The two elves heard a very faint "Shit" come from the branches.  
  
"Get a ladder," said Merry.  
  
"Who needs a ladder? We're two feet taller Merry! We'll climb!" said Pippin, jumping up and grabbing hold of some of the lower branches. Merry smiled and followed suit.  
  
Meanwhile in the branches, Sam and Legolas were panicking.  
  
"Whaddawedo?" said Legolas breathlessly.  
  
"Well seeing as Merry and Pippin are the ones who always have to do this, I would suggest asking them, but that's obviously not an option," replied Sam. Legolas frowned and looked down at the advancing elves. For the first time in his life, he was actually scared. This was revenge for Merry and Pippin. He was over come by tears again.  
  
"Why...sniff...are you...sniff...h-h-hobbits...so e-e-e-emotional?" Legolas asked Sam, sniffing and crying.  
  
"Because we don't live forever, that's why!" said Sam. "When you're immortal, you get hard and forget what it's like to feel pain. But now really isn't the time to talk about this!"  
  
Merry and Pippin were now twenty feet below them, climbing fast and jeering.  
  
"Awwwww, ickle Legolas go cryie boo boo?" yelled Pippin.  
  
"Gaaaaaaaa! Gaaaaaaaa! Goo goo ga ga! Do you understand that Legolas?" called Merry.  
  
The elves were now inches away from them.  
  
Overcome by fear, Legolas lashed out, striking the closer elf, which was Merry, in the face with his foot. Startled, Merry let go of the branches he was holding onto, but not before he grabbed hold of Legolas.  
  
"AHHHHH!!" screamed Legolas as he fell.  
  
THUD  
  
Merry had taken the full blow of the fall, whereas Legolas had landed softly on top of him. Merry let out a gasp of air before fainting.  
  
"Mmmmmeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyy!" cried Pippin as he grabbed Sam's ankle and jumped from the tree. He landed softly and ran over to his fallen friend, hobbit still in hand.  
  
"Merry, wake up, wake up!" said Pippin, slapping Merry's bloody face. Legolas stood in shock.  
  
"Is he...is he dead?" asked Legolas. Pippin had his ear to his friend's heart. "He's alive..." said Pippin. Legolas breathed a sigh of relief that was cut short by Pippin's tackle. Poor Sam, he was dragged along in the rumble.  
  
"But you won't be for long!" snarled Pippin. Legolas and Sam wimpered. Pippin beat the two hobbits over the head, much like the good fairy did to little bunny Foo Foo. The two were knocked senseless. They had no recollection of what Pippin did to them next.  
  
First, he found a length of rope. Then, he bound the two hobbits by their hands and knees. He threw the two over his shoulders and proceeded to a mud ditch behind the tavern.  
  
PLOP  
  
Pippin threw the two hobbits into the very center of the ditch, which was easily fifty feet in diameter. After he wiped his hands on his pants, the sun came out from behind the murky clouds in dazzling array. The mud that the unconscious Legolas and Sam were lying in began to dry rapidly. Seeing that his work was done, he quickly ran over to the limp elf Merry.  
  
"Merry!" he whispered. Merry didn't move. "Merry please, wake up! Please..." Pippin said, pounding a fist lightly on his friend's chest, fighting tears. Merry was having a tough time keeping a straight face. He couldn't hold it any longer.  
  
"BAAAAA!" he shouted.  
  
"EEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Pippin shrieked as he leaped back in shock.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Merry curled into a ball on the ground.  
  
"You..were FAKING? You bastard! I'll kill ya!" shouted Pippin as he put his friend in a half nelson.  
  
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, but it was great! You should have seen the look on your face!" Merry said. Pippin let go of his friend, and laughed in spite of himself.  
  
"Yeah, that was a pretty good one, Mer. You got me good," admitted Pippin.  
  
"I know," smiled Merry. "So what are you planning to do with those two?" Merry jerked a thumb over his shoulder, pointing to the two hobbits that were now trapped in the hard mud.  
  
"Leave 'em," said Pippin.  
  
"And then what?" asked Merry.  
  
"Haven't gotten that far yet," said Pippin.  
  
"Sounds good, let's get an ale," said Merry.  
  
"I'll drink to that!"  
  
The two made their way inside, to find that Aragorn and Frodo were still discussing the note that Frodo had found in the counter.  
  
"Alright, enough with this damn letter, let me see it!" said Merry, grabbing for the paper in Aragorn's hands.  
  
"No!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
"Yes!" shouted the two elves, who were more than a match for Aragorn, who was putting up a good fight.  
  
"NO!" he yelled again.  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO---AHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Pippin had come from behind Aragorn and tickled him under his arms, unwillingly letting go of the note. As he read it, Merry's face grew pale.  
  
"Oh, what is that bloody letter about?" asked Pippin, snatching the letter out of his friend's stone hands. His eyes widened.  
  
It read:  
  
Sorry to leave you on your own like this, but for some reason I really felt like getting high today. I am afraid that I don't have any of the reversing powder to reverse the changes that were put on Merry, Pippin, and Legolas. Either they choose to remain the way they are until the next full moon, which would cause them to change back naturally, but painfully in the fact that knowing that keeping the powder in them for so long would make them unable to eat for the rest of their natural lives, or they have the option to seek Elrond's help. I know that he has a nice stash of anti- hobbit and elf powders on hand, so it will be no trouble at all to go to him. Knowing that the hobbits, which are now elves, would much rather seek Elrond's help than never eat again, I suggest that they leave tonight to get there within ten days on foot. As another option, you could find a trusty eagle to relay the message to Elrond. That way would be much quicker, but I leave it to you! The full moon is in two weeks, so hurry along!  
  
Pippin dropped the letter. His eyes met Merry's.  
  
"No food?"  
  
"No ale?"  
  
"AHHHHHH!" the two yelled in unison.  
  
"We have to get Elrond here quick!" said Frodo. Aragorn was already scribbling a letter, knowing the seriousness of the matter.  
  
"But where are we going to get an eagle?" said Merry. "Pip, do you have any ideas? Pip? Pip!"  
  
Pippin was rocking silently, muttering to himself, "Not Elrond, not Elrond, not Elrond..." Merry ignored him.  
  
"May I be of some service?" came a noble voice from an open window. Everyone in the tavern turned to look in shock at the eagle that was perched there.  
  
"How..." started Aragorn.  
  
"Do not ask questions. This is a story. Everything always goes the right way, there is always a happy ending, and people, or rather beasts, like me always turn up at the right time to save the day. A typical story," said the eagle tonelessly. The tavern stared. "Well are you going to give me the letter or not?"  
  
Aragorn jumped and got out of his seat as the eagle snapped at him. He tied the letter around his leg and stepped away.  
  
"Elrond will be here in about twenty minutes, so keep your pants on until then..." said the eagle as he soared away from the window towards Rivendell. Pippin resumed his rocking, but Merry slapped him on the back of the head.  
  
"Why are you so afraid of him?" said Merry.  
  
"His eyes...his eyes!" said Pippin.  
  
"What's so bad about his eyes?"  
  
"He looks at me evil!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"He's in Zion!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Tell Neo! He's in Zion!"  
  
"Are you mad?!"  
  
"Neo! NEO!"  
  
"Shut up!" the tavern yelled.  
  
"But he's in Zion!" Pippin whimpered.  
  
"Actually, he's right here Master Pippin."  
  
The tavern turned, and surely enough, Elrond was standing in the door.  
  
**************************************************************************  
  
Kind of a corny ending yeah, but I can't go starting about what happens next on this chapter because 1) it will take me longer and 2) it will be ridiculously long, like 20 odd pages. So anyway, I'm back from camp, it was great and I had an awesome time. In celebration of the new HP book we did a Harry Potter them for Final Night in the dining hall...it turned out fantastic. Anyway, I'll try to get to work on the next chapter ASAP...like the eagle said, keep your pants on until then.  
  
Love and peace  
  
Court 


	15. Bashing Legolas: Part I

**Well hello! All of a sudden I start getting these e-mails with all of these great ideas! Thanks guys! I'm mixing some of the ideas sent to me with some of my own...hopefully this will be another mega-chapter like chapters 12 and 13 were...anyway, to all you Americans, happy 4th of July...to the rest of the sane world, happy...um...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yea, that's all I could think of. Sorry if that serves as a small consolation.   
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
FF.net has messed with the formatting...so I think I'm going to have to break this into two chapters because it's so long….  
  
*********************************************************  
  
Lord Elrond of Rivendell surveyed the room briefly. His glance flicked to the outdoors as he spotted the trapped hobbit. With a wave of his wrist, the hobbit went souring into the air from out of the hardened mud and came in through an open window. The hobbit sat and began to pout.  
  
As his eyes wandered from the pouting hobbit to the distraught elf that was curled in a ball to the wizard that was making faces at nobody, he began to scowl. The tavern flinched, and the curled elf shrieked and started rocking with his knees tucked into his chest. Lord Elrond, not knowing who the two elves or the pouting hobbit were, strode over to the curled elf and forced him to his feet, growing more angry with every passing second.  
  
"HAVE YOU NO DIGNETY? FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU'RE AN ELF!" he roared. The elf turned his head, looking fearfully at the other elf for support. "LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"  
  
Pippin was still avoiding Elrond's gaze. Merry stood, petrified, not knowing what to do. Elrond, who was holding Pippin up merely by his shoulders, let go of the elf. Pippin fell in a slump on the floor.  
  
"You're a pathetic waste of elf-flesh. What's you're name?" Elrond demanded. Pippin simply found a knot in the wood on the floor and stared at it. Throwing his arms in the air, the Elfin Lord gave up on the pathetic waste of elf-flesh'. He rounded on Legolas.  
  
"And who are you? I've never seen you hanging around with this lot before," said Elrond, gentler, as if speaking to a child. After a flood of tears drained from Legolas's eyes, he responded.  
  
"I-I-I...I'm L-L-L..."  
  
"T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!" yelled Elrond. Ever the more frustrated, Elrond turned to Merry, apparently the only sane elf. Merry was frozen to where he stood after seeing what had been done to Pippin and Legolas. Elrond sighed and turned to Aragorn, who had two very frightened hobbits hugging his legs.  
  
"Are you frightened?" asked Elrond to Frodo.  
  
  
  
"Yes," he said.  
  
"Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you," said Elrond. Aragorn snorted on his ale and stood to his feet, knocking the hobbits off him.  
  
"Yeah, you're hunting him, and that's MY LINE! Get your own! Your list of allies grows thin!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
"Hey now!" snapped Elrond. Somewhere in the background, someone starting singing, "you're an All-star, get your game on, go play..." Elrond whipped around and Merry and Pippin stopping singing promptly. Pippin, who had forgotten his place for a moment, had a look of shock on his face, stood still for a second, and went back to rocking on the floor. "Pathetic..." muttered Elrond.  
  
"So Aragorn, who are the two elves and the fat hobbit over there?" said Elrond. Legolas flinched as he was referred to as fat'. He couldn't take the ridicule anymore.   
  
"I'm not a hobbit! Gandalf put a spell on us! The elves are really the hobbits Meriadoc and Peregrin! I'm Legolas of the Mirkwood Realm!" he cried. All motion stopped. Well, Gandalf was now sneaking out a window, but nobody cared enough to notice.  
  
"You, this fat hobbit, you are Legolas? Surely you are joking!" said Elrond with a laugh.  
  
"No! I am Legolas!" the 'fat' hobbit cried again.  
  
"Really! He is!" piped up Merry, finally summoning his courage. "I'm Merry, and he's Pip-PIN!"   
  
THUD  
  
The last syllable in Pippin's name was said at a noticeably higher pitch due to the fact that Pippin had swung his friend's feet out from under him. Pippin was shaking. Elrond was smiling.  
  
"Mr. Anderson..." Elrond said in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.  
  
"Mr. Anderson? Where?" Pippin said, looking around the room.  
  
"I mean...Mr. Peregrin..." Elrond corrected in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.  
  
"I know what you're trying to do," said Pippin.  
  
"I'm trying to free your mind," said Elrond.  
  
  
  
"Wrong line, Elrond. In fact, wrong movie," said Pippin, forgetting his terror.  
  
"Only hobbit...Aren't you supposed to be scared to death by me?" said Elrond as he whipped out his script.  
  
"Nope," said Pippin defiantly.  
  
"And why not?" said Elrond, now running his fingers across the pages of the script.  
  
"Because I'm 'the One'," said Pippin. Everyone in the tavern stared. "No, I'm just shitting you. And I'm shitting myself, but I'm getting over Elrond. He's not so big and bad from up here."  
  
Pippin was right. He was a good four inches taller than Elrond, who had just realized his error in trying to manipulate the hobbit'.  
  
Pippin walked up to Elrond, a potent smell following him as he went. He looked down on the Elfin Lord. Merry too realized this, and stood by Pippin's side, an inch shorter than his friend. The two elves grinned. Evilly.   
  
"Now, now, let's be reasonable!" said Elrond, backing up.  
  
" 'Reasonable' ?" said Merry. "Pip, what does 'reasonable' mean?"  
  
"Well, I don't know!" said Pippin. "Do you Merry?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Please! I'll never pick on you two again!" said Elrond, bending to his knees. Merry and Pippin, as well as Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, and Legolas, were stunned. Legolas screamed in protest.  
  
"NOOOO! They're just hobbits in elf bodies! Don't do it!"  
  
"Legolas, have you seen their biceps? Their pecs? Their abs? They can beat the shit outta me! Now you two," said Elrond, turning to the two menacing elves, Awhat do you want of me?"  
  
Merry and Pippin had this planned for a very, very long time.  
  
"We want you to...spspspspspsspspspspspsssspppsspspsps" said Pippin as he whispered in Elrond's ear. The Elfin Lord smiled and nodded. "Very well!" he said with a smile.  
  
"Right, well, Pippin and I have matters to attend to---" started Merry.  
  
  
  
"That have to do with a cart of fireworks! Good day!" said Pippin, and the two elves hurried out the door.  
  
"What is it? What are you going to do for them?" asked Sam.  
  
"He's going to sleep with your hoe in bed with Rosie!" said Frodo  
  
DONK  
  
Sam hit Frodo upside the head with his mug.  
  
THUD  
  
Frodo hit the floor. (duh...what was he gonna do, fly?)  
  
"Thank you!" said Aragorn. "Now, tell us, what do you have to do!"  
  
"My task is to give Legolas as much grief as he inflicted on the two hobbits Merry and Pippin, who are now big and strong elves...for the time being anyway," said Elrond. Legolas squeaked.  
  
"NO! Please! I was kind to the hobbits! Honest!" he said, crawling on his hands and knees.  
  
"I'm sure you were," said Elrond in a motherly voice.  
  
"Really?" said Legolas out of disbelief.  
  
"NO!" said Elrond, throwing up the floorboard he was standing on and drawing out a set of bow and arrows.  
  
"My bow! THAT'S where it was!" said Legolas.  
  
"Aragorn! Sam! Tie him up! It's time for a little TARGET PRACTICE!" yelled Elrond.  
  
Aragorn and Sam stood up quickly, smiling. They had been waiting for this day since the Council of Elrond. Legolas let out a little "MEEP!" and ran. Elrond waved his arms once and all the doors and exits sealed themselves.  
  
"Why didn't you use---oomph!--- magic on Merry and Pippin?" said Legolas as he dodged Sam, who dove for his legs.  
  
  
  
"Because elfish magic doesn't work on elves!" said Elrond, sending a bolt of lightning after Legolas's heals. He meeped' again. As Legolas was watching to see where Elrond was going to cast his next spell, he wasn't watching where he was going. Aragorn was ready for him.  
  
A damp cloth went over Legolas's face, and the world spun until it went dark...  
  
********************************************************************  
  
(can this really be page 5? I feel like I've written 10 pages.....maybe it's just me.....)  
  
Meanwhile, we travel outside to where Merry and Pippin are conjuring up their mischief.  
  
"Is anyone around?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Check again, we don't need anyone to ruin the surprise'."  
  
"Checking.....Okay, all clear, let's do it."  
  
"It's nice not to have to give each other a leg up into the cart this time huh?"  
  
"Sure is.....jumping in gave me a bruise for a week."  
  
"Alright, grab a dozen and we'll set them off near the windows."  
  
"As if I need to be told."  
  
"Let's do it."  
  
The two elves, holding as many fireworks as their large and burly arms could handle. What they didn't know was that Gandalf was following them, using one of his spells to camouflage himself in the brush.   
  
"Hehehehehehe....."  
  
The wizard giggled in spite of himself.  
  
"What was that?" said Merry in a hushed whisper.  
  
"Nothing, it was the trees.....keep moving!" said Pippin, nudging his friend in the back. They reached the windows with no further problems.  
  
"Pip?"  
  
  
  
"Yeah Merry?"  
  
"Do you smell that?"  
  
"It wasn't me."  
  
"No, not that. THAT."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't you smell it? It's sweet."  
  
"Yeah.....now I do. What is it?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Wait.....it's my pipe weed! They're smoking my pipe weed in there!"  
  
"No one's smoking in there Pip. Elrond is just chasing Legolas around."  
  
"Then is someone smoking it outside then?"  
  
"Duh."  
  
"Who isn't inside?"  
  
"Well, there's Elrond and Legolas of course. There's Aragorn, and Sam and Frodo too. Gandalf is still on the---"   
  
"No he's not! It's Gand----"  
  
Pippin's sentence was cut short by a squeaky and stoned voice from behind them.  
  
"KaDabRA AbrA!"  
  
BA BA BOOM BOOM BOOM BA BOOM CRACK BA BOOM!  
  
Gandalf's spell hit one of the fireworks, and the sparks of that one sent the others alight.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" yelled Pippin as his pants caught fire. The fire was immediately doused by some invisible force that leaked out from his groin.   
  
  
  
The two elves were thrown in opposite directions as the rest of the explosives exploded in their arms. Their faces were ashen and hair burned. It was now only a couple inches long. Merry and Pippin felt over themselves to make sure they weren't hurt. When their hands reached their heads, they were bewildered to not find any hair until they reached their ears. Their eyes met.  
  
"Hey, not a bad hair job Pip!" yelled Merry over the roar of the fireworks, which had now set lose the fireworks in Gandalf's cart. Everyone in the tavern (with the exception of Legolas) had their faces pressed to the windows.  
  
"Looks good on you Mer!" Pippin yelled back.  
  
CRASH  
  
On of the fireworks crashed into the tavern, setting loose several firework-butterflies. They fluttered about as those in the tavern stared on in wonder.  
  
BOOM  
  
Another firework went off in the tavern, but this one was not so kind. It covered everyone in there with green slime.  
  
"Elrond! You must do something!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
"I can't!"  
  
"Why not?!"  
  
"My magic can't stop a wizard's!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"But our magic can!" yelled Pippin. He winked at Merry as he stood up from the ground. Merry got up as well and the two elves made their way to the exploding cart, ducking and weaving as fireworks went off.  
  
"What are they going to do?" asked Frodo.  
  
"I didn't know they could do magic!" said Sam.  
  
"Neither did I....." said Elrond and Aragorn.  
  
To answer their questions, Merry and Pippin prepared to release their magic.  
  
  
  
"Ready Pip?"  
  
"You bet."  
  
Merry and Pippin let down their pants to their ankles. What they were doing, no body could be sure, but they were holding their hands in front of them as if they were holding something in front of their groins.  
  
"Are they???"  
  
"Do you think they really are??"  
  
"What the hell??"  
  
"Are they.....PISSING?"  
  
Sure enough, Merry and Pippin moved to avoid a firework and revealed themselves for a brief moment. (Billy and Dom lovers, stop it! I know what you're thinking! No! Big no-no!) As soon as the coast was clear, they moved themselves back into position so that all the tavern could see was their lovely elfish asses.  
  
"Merry! I think it's working!" said Pippin.  
  
"Of course it's working! Keep moving!" said Merry as he swung his hands around in a small circle, sending spray over still-exploding fireworks. Pippin followed suit and sure enough, the exploding stopped, and a silence fell over Fool's Paradise.  
  
"DamN YoU....." came Gandalf's squeaking voice. He fell in a slump to the floor as he fainted yet again.  
  
"So tell me Pip," said Merry as he pulled up his pants, "how did you stop your knickers from totally catching on fire?"  
  
Pippin blushed as he too pulled up his pants. Then all was revealed.  
  
*********************************************************  
  
go to the next chapter to read the rest... 


	16. Bashing Legolas: Part II

ok...you all better love me for this....i had to go back and change all the parenthesis that were there back into quotation marks...you better love me...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! PISSY PANTS!" Merry roared.  
  
BUZZ  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!"   
  
"HA! MERRY'S A PISSY PANTS!" yelled Pippin as he buzzed his friend, who wet himself.  
  
  
  
"Fair and square. Truce," said Merry.  
  
"Truce," said Pippin, holding out a hand. Merry shook it. It was wet, but so was his. He smiled, laughed, and forgot all his troubles for a moment. Then they came back to him like a boomerang.  
  
"Pip, let's get back and have Elrond fix us up eh?"  
  
"So soon? I'm sure he can mix something up that will let us stay elves for a wee bit longer and still be able to eat eh?" Pippin said with a pleading look on his face.  
  
"Indeed I do," said Elrond as he approached them. "You can remain as elves for as long as the moon is not full. Then, you will change back slowly. The transformation should be complete within twelve hours. The same goes for Legolas. The only deal is that you cannot eat five hours before taking the potion and also during the twelve hours of transformation."  
  
Merry and Pippin were shocked.  
  
"T-t-t-t-t-twelve hours?" stuttered Pippin.  
  
"You can't be serious!" said Merry.  
  
"I'm dead serious. Do you ever want to eat again?"  
  
"Twelve hours is a lifetime!" said Pippin.  
  
"Being an elf, I would hope that you could understand what a lifetime truly is Peregrin. Alas, you shall only be an elf for two more weeks, so I do not care," said Elrond. The rest of the tavern met them as they entered Fool's Paradise.  
  
"That was amazing! Who would ever think of doing that!" said Sam.  
  
"Good job!" said Frodo as he jumped up to pat Merry and Pippin on the backs.  
  
"Thanks," was all that Aragorn said as he shook Merry and Pippin's hands. He promptly tore his hands away as he realized that their hands were wet.   
  
"Down the hall and to the left," said Pippin. Aragorn nodded and took off at a run to the bathroom.  
  
The tavern laughed and all was merry. Merry and Pippin resumed their bartending duties and served some of their finest ales.   
  
"Hey, where's Gandalf?" said Frodo.  
  
  
  
"You're right, where is the bastard?" said Aragorn.  
  
"He's sleeping on the couch!" said Sam.  
  
Somehow, Gandalf had drug himself into the tavern without the rest of them knowing and had fallen back asleep on the couch. Everyone shrugged and went back to drinking.   
  
Several moments later, everyone was still sipping at their ales, not talking. They hadn't noticed that two of their party had left the pub. How they missed the fact that the bartenders were missing is beyond reason.  
  
"Hehehehehehe.....I can't believe Elrond left his traveling bag outside! Hehehehehe! In plain view! Someone could walk away with it!"  
  
"Someone like.....hehehehhehe! US?"  
  
"YES! HEHEHEHEHE!"  
  
"Let's see what's.....hehehehehe.....inside!"  
  
"OKAY!"  
  
Merry and Pippin were giggling like girls as they rummaged through Elrond's bag. They pulled out many, many, long robes. The two elves were disappointed to find that was all in the bag. They shrugged and began to try on the robes.....  
  
Meanwhile, inside.....  
  
(Keep in mind everyone is VERY drunk)  
  
"So Aragorn, what do you think we should do with Legolas?" asked Elrond.   
  
"Hmmmmm.....we could tie him from his feet from the ceiling?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Too middle ages," said Elrond, thinking. Frodo and Sam began to think as well.  
  
"How about if we wake him up and start shooting his arrows at him?" suggested Frodo.  
  
"Been there, done that. He's actually quite quick for a hobbit," said Elrond.  
  
"What if you try on his clothes and make him watch? I'll be he'll HATE that!" said Sam.  
  
"Sam, for all the stupidity you're worth, that's actually a good idea!" said Aragorn. "Do it Elrond!"  
  
  
  
"I must admit that Aragorn is right. Revenge is mine!!!" cried Elrond.  
  
"Revenge? What did he do to you?" asked Frodo.  
  
"He used all my strawberry-scented soaps!"  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh," said Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam in understanding unison.  
  
"What am I waiting for? I'll go and get his clothes and bring them downstairs. I'll change in one of the rooms for visitors. Wake him up when I whistle!" And with that, Elrond quickly ran upstairs to Legolas's room.  
  
"So what are we gonna do while we're waiting?" asked Sam.  
  
"I dunno. Drink more," said Aragorn.  
  
"But where are Merry and Pippin?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Who cares? More ale for us!" said Aragorn as he went behind the counter and began to serve over-sized drinks. Sam and Frodo let out a cheer, and Legolas stirred. Then they were silent.....  
  
Elrond came bounding down the stairs with a bundle of clothes in his arms. He raced towards an empty room.  
  
Merry and Pippin were fastening the last buttons on Elrond's robes.  
  
Elrond whistled.  
  
Legolas woke up to find himself tied to a column.   
  
Elrond entered the tavern.  
  
Merry entered the tavern.  
  
Pippin entered the tavern.  
  
A hush fell over the room. All was silent. Then, roars broke loose.  
  
"MY ROBES!" screamed Elrond.  
  
"MY CLOTHES! MY EXTRA EXTRA TIGHT PANTS! YOU'RE STRETCHING THEM!!!" yelled Legolas.  
  
  
  
"I think they like our dresses Pip," said Merry.  
  
"I do to. I think they are going to steal them. We may have to fight them," said Pippin.  
  
The two hobbits looked at each other.  
  
"Bring it on," they said.  
  
Elrond rushed at Merry and Pippin, yelling curses and spells. They simply bounced off Merry and Pippin, for elvish spells do not work against each other. Merry and Pippin both held one of Elrond's arms and legs. The Elvish Lord struggled briefly, but stopped for it was wrinkling his robes as well as tearing Legolas's. Legolas was screaming all the louder.  
  
"YOU RIPPED THEM! WHEN I'M AN ELF AGAIN, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN!"   
  
"No, you won't. I'll fix them," said Elrond as was let down by Merry and Pippin. He waved his hand at the pants and they repaired themselves. "See?" Legolas calmed down momentarily.  
  
"So how to we look in your dresses Elrond?" said Pippin, giggling.  
  
"I must say, they fit you rather well. The purple one looks great on you Merry."  
  
Merry blushed. Pippin nudged him, and Merry shuffled his feet. Legolas pouted softly in the background. Frodo and Sam were bickering about something.  
  
"Well Elrond, let's have a look at you," said Aragorn, scanning the lord top to bottom. "The shirt fits okay, but the pants.....eh.....are a little tight. I can see the lines of your briefs.  
  
"HA! Told you he wore briefs!" said Frodo triumphantly.  
  
"Only elves wear briefs these days anyway....." said Sam.  
  
"Not true!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Briefs?" said Frodo.  
  
"Yes, and proud of it!" said Aragorn. Merry and Pippin laughed. "Boxers!" the hobbits (except Legolas) yelled. "Briefs!" yelled Elrond and Legolas. "NuDe!" came a squeaking voice from the couch. By the time everyone looked over to Gandalf, he was sleeping again.  
  
"Why......why......"  
  
Legolas was still pouting.  
  
  
  
"Pull yourself together Legolas!" said Aragorn.  
  
"B-b-b-b-but he's w-w-w-w-wearing my c-c-c-clothes!" Legolas stuttered.  
  
"Tough shit, there's nothing you can do about it! NAH NAH!" said Elrond as he pranced around in Legolas's clothes, tearing and fixing them several times to Legolas's agony.   
  
"No wonder you always have to nance!" said Elrond. "These pants are so tight you can't help but doing it!"  
  
"Hahahahaha! All is explained! The mystery of nancing is sol---MERRY! PIPPIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" yelled "ragorn as he witnessed the two elves standing at the door, robes billowing so that they were revealed'.  
  
"We like a nice breeze 'round our privates! After all that peeing? We deserve it!" yelled Merry.  
  
"Yes, these dresses are very good for breezes. Nice and cool," said Pippin.  
  
"THAT'S ENOUGH! LAST THING I NEED IS TO SEE YOUR PARTS! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!" roared Elrond. Two travelers were wandering up the road to stay at the tavern. When they heard Elrond, they promptly turned around.  
  
Moaning, Merry and Pippin put their pants back on.  
  
"But do we have to take off the dresses?" whined Pippin.  
  
"They're not dresses! They're robes! Very EXPENSIVE robes!" said Elrond. "But whatever, you can keep them on for the time being. I'm sick of seeing you're ungodly buff torsos. It makes me sick."  
  
"Yay!" cheered Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Now, for more torture to Legolas......" said Elrond.  
  
"Yay!" cheered Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn. Merry and Pippin served more drinks. Legolas began to tear up again.  
  
"Look at me!" said Elrond, throwing his arm up in the air like a ballerina. "I'm Legolas!" Elrond stood on his toes and twiddled his feet. The tavern exploded in laughter. Legolas exploded in tears. "I nance! I prance! I do this stupid dance!" Elrond leaped through the air, ripping the seam that went down the backside of the pants. A gaping hole revealed the lord's pink briefs. The tavern (with the exception of Legolas) hooted and hollered.  
  
  
  
"WOOO HOOO! Pink is SO you Elrond!" yelled Pippin.  
  
"Spank it! Spank it!" yelled Merry. Elrond spanked. Legolas was through.  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! STOP! IT'S TOO MUCH!"  
  
"No, it's not too much! Rub it in his face Elrond!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
Elrond walked up to Legolas, looked him in the eye, turned around, bent over, and put his butt in his face. Legolas's face was screwed in pain.   
  
PPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTT  
  
Legolas's eyes rolled into the back of his head as Elrond ripped a fart loud enough that it woke Gandalf up. He promptly fell back asleep. The stench of Elrond soon spread, and those of the tavern were soon covering their noses with the collars of their shirts or robes.  
  
"Ok, I think that's enough. I'm sick of these tight pants, I think they are cutting off my circulation. I'm going to put on one of my dre--- I mean robes!" Elrond turned and headed for the vacant room that he had changed into Legolas's clothes in, shaking his butt all the way there. Giggles were suppressed so as to enjoy the time that both Gandalf and Legolas were passed out.  
  
"I heard what Elrond said about the potion to become hobbits again. Do you really want to go through that?" said Frodo.  
  
"I wouldn't, I'd rather stay an elf forever than not eat for 12 hours!" said Sam.  
  
"But if we don't take it, then we can never eat again!" said Pippin.  
  
"We've gotta do it. Being an elf is nice. Being tall is nicer," said Merry.  
  
"Hear, hear!" said Pippin.  
  
"But I dunno, something's just not right about it. Can't hide as well. No emotion. Stuff isn't as funny anymore. Food has lost it's taste. Hell, even the ale's have lost their taste!" Merry said.  
  
"They have! I'd rather be a hobbit, but I will admit that I'm not really looking forward to what Legolas will do to us when he's an elf again," said Pippin.  
  
  
  
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it," said Elrond. He was be-robed and tight-pant-less again. "I'll make the transformation back to elf so painful to him. I'll make him a hobbit sized elf. Everything will change back to elf, like hair, feet, ears, and all that come first, and the height come in the last ten minutes. Same for you two. You'll become elf-sized hobbits until the last 10 minutes of the 12 hours. I will warn you though. Some people who have had to wait the whole 12 hours didn't make it. They never ate again. One hobbit tried to commit suicide, and he's going to a shrink everyday now."  
  
Merry and Pippin shuddered. Sam and Frodo saw their pain. It was Sam that piped up.  
  
"We'll do it with you!" he said.  
  
"WHAT? No we won't! It's not out burden to bear!" said Frodo.  
  
"But they're our friends!" protested Sam.  
  
"No, Frodo's right," said Merry as he sat down to drink his ale. "You don't need to. We aren't going to make you."  
  
"Of course, if you want to we won't stop you," said Pippin with a smile. "But two weeks.....I dunno Mer, I'm getting a little tired of being an elf. All the fun's worn out!"  
  
"I agree. Elrond, is there any way that you can change us back sooner?" asked Merry. Aragorn nodded. Apparently, he was a little unnerved by Merry and Pippin being elves. He was always used to being bigger than them, and now they were a good six inches taller than he.  
  
"Yes, but it requires you not to eat for 24 hours. Two hours before taking the potion, twenty-two afterwards," said Elrond, removing a flask from his pocket. "If I were you, I would start your two hours of waiting now."  
  
"HELL NO!" said Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Fine. Eat. Then, the 24 hour famine begins," said Elrond.  
  
"I'll cook!" said Aragorn. Everyone looked at him.  
  
"You can cook?" said Frodo.  
  
"Yes. Why not?" said Aragorn. Frodo shrugged. "You don't think I can do it! I'll show you! I'll make the best steak you've ever had! Where do you keep your steaks?"  
  
"In the chilled room. It's under the bar here---" said Merry as he lifted up a trap door inside the bar that revealed steps leading down.   
  
"I'll get them!" said Pippin, and he bounded down the steps.  
  
  
  
BANG!  
  
Pippin's head hit the floor as he descended.  
  
"OW! That's another bad thing about being tall! That didn't used to be there!" Pippin finished going down the stairs, and returned to the pub, arms filled with a dozen large steaks.  
  
"Good. Give them to me, I'll go start a fire," said Aragorn, holding out his arms.  
  
"Knock yourself out," said Pippin as he handed Aragorn the steaks. Aragorn grinned like a little boy getting presents at Christmas and made his way outside to start a fire.   
  
"Do you think you can do it?" said Sam to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"I reckon we can. What do you think Mer?" said Pippin.  
  
  
  
"Defiantly."  
  
"Done. We're doing it. After Aragorn feeds us, we're doing it."  
  
"I can't believe that you two, out of all hobbits, are going to go twenty-four hours without food," said Frodo.  
  
"It can't be that hard, can it?" said Merry.  
  
"Those who have done this before have said the same thing before and failed," said Elrond, sitting down and crossing his arms.  
  
"Thanks for the encouragement!" said Pippin sarcastically.   
  
"No problem," said Elrond, smiling over the rim of his mug as he sipped.  
  
"There's no stopping us Pip. We're doing it. We're gonna be hobbits again," said Merry. The two elves, soon to be hobbits, clanked mugs and drank to a future of hobbitanity.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Wow.....17 pages. I'm trying to keep my chapters no longer than this, I'm sure your eyes are killing you. It was so long that I had to cut this into two different chapters. Please send me ideas for what you want to happen to Merry, Pippin, and Legolas as they transform back to their normal selves. The ones you sent were excellent, they helped a lot! Thanks! Sorry it took a little while to get this chapter up, I got a new computer. But that's good, because now I can post things faster now and I don't have to use my dad's computer. Yay!  
  
  
  
Anyway, I'm afraid that unless I can get the internet in Hilton Head, there will not be any more chapters until the 21rst. Sorry! I'm very sorry! If anyone reading this is going to Hilton Head (or is in HH) from the 12th to the 20th, please feel free to e-mail (soccercyclone9"yahoo.com) me to see if we are staying in the same hotel. I'd rather not post where I am staying online for all to see......security reasons ya know.  
  
Legolas bashing is FUN!  
  
ARG! FF.net is being evil.....this took me a little longer to get posted. Blame the server.  
  
Love and peace  
  
Court 


	17. Slow Changes: Part I: Discovery

**wow...so how long has it been since I last posted? Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner, I was having a 'writers block' so you may call it...I have some fresh new ideas as well. I haven't read of anything like what I'm about to do, so I hope it's original. What I'm gonna do is maybe throw in a few movies here and there...and I've taken a particular liking in the word 'savvy'. So, you might see some Captain Jack Sparrow quotes in there somewhere. Also, it is regrettable to announce that one of the characters will be leaving for a period of time. He will either leave in this chapter or next, depending on how long thing on is. I will take a little break from comedy and it will get a little dramatic.... Anyway, I don't want to be causing no tears, so here we go**  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck awoke out of his drunken stupor to the smell of roasting steaks that was seeping through the cracks of the doors and windows. He also awoke to a sick feeling in his gut...not the kind that made him sick, but the kind that made him know that something was amid, that something was wrong. He knew that today, something was going to happen.  
  
His head was still swirling from all the liquor he had consumed. As he sat up, he got a head rush from all the blood going to his head. He quickly fell back to the floor, only making it worse. When the pain subsided, he sat up again, slowly this time.  
  
Pippin was nowhere near to coming around, as he was curled up in a ball on the floor with a mug in one hand, and sucking on his thumb with the other. For a split second, the elf-soon-to-be-hobbit forgot all his worries. Seeing Pippin so peaceful had made him forget for a moment, but when he saw his friend's short straight hair, flawless ears, and hairless feet, they came back to him like a boomerang.  
  
He sighed and looked around the tavern. Frodo was asleep in Sam's lap, and Sam was leaning against a column Legolas was still tied up to his column, but he was starting to come around. Elrond was nowhere to be seen. When Merry's gaze fell to the couch where Gandalf was asleep, the wizard's feet no longer hanging off the end.  
  
Merry stood up and walked to the couch, halfway expecting the wizard to magically appear, but he didn't. Suddenly, the birds outside stopped chirping. The sound of sizzling meat stopped.  
  
"It's quiet..." said Merry to himself. He turned around to see what was going on and he ran into an enormous nose.  
  
BONK  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled Merry and Gandalf in surprise. Merry in that he had just run into a giant nose, and Gandalf in that he had run into a giant hobbit.  
  
"Meriadoc! How you've grown!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Grown?" said Merry in mock shock. "Grown? You dumb ass Gandalf, you're the one who did this to us!"  
  
"Did I now?" said Gandalf, stroking his beard thoughtfully.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"I don't believe I did."  
  
"Yes you did! Legolas and Pippin and I were arguing about how it's harder to be a hobbit than an elf!"  
  
"Aw Meriadoc, you were always the kidder. Unless I was drunk or high, there is no way that I would do something like that!"  
  
"You were high!"  
  
"No, I don't believe I was. I got high after I gave you the powders."  
  
"Y---what?" said Merry as he was pointing a finger at Gandalf, but then dropped it and slumped his shoulders in confusion.  
  
"My point exactly. Now, I see that Aragorn is cooking some fine looking steaks. I'll go check up on him, you wake the others," said Gandalf as he walked out the door, leaving Merry dumbfounded.  
  
Merry shrugged and began to shake the others that were also on hangovers. Frodo and Sam had a tough time getting up, but surprisingly Pippin was up and about rather quickly. Legolas was already awake by the time Merry got to him. He was scowling, so Merry decided to carefully back away from the crazed hobbit. Slowly, for Legolas was foaming at the mouth.  
  
"Well I'm starving and it's high time for something to eat. How long until those steaks will be done Merry?" said Pippin as he was rubbing his eyes.  
  
"I'm guessing any time now. Bet I can eat more steaks than you," said Merry.  
  
"Cannot!"  
  
"Can!"  
  
"Can'!"  
  
"Can!"  
  
"Can't!"  
  
"Can! And that's that!"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"The sooner Elrond changes us back the better," came a low, gruff voice from behind them. Merry and Pippin were positively shocked at the lowness of the hobbit/elf's voice. Legolas had somehow gotten loose of his bonds. "See what being a hobbit it doing to me? It's taking my lovely voice away from me! Look at my toes! My pedicure! It's ruined! And my---"  
  
BANG  
  
Sam was holding a shaking frying pan in his hands as Legolas fell to the floor.  
  
"Thank you!" said Merry, Pippin, and Frodo in unison.  
  
"Merry, I think we need some more drinks," said Frodo.  
  
"Indeed we do. Seems like we are going to need some more kegs before the month is up after all we drank...was it last night? Or a few hours ago? Anyway, I can't remember. Pip, be sure not to change the road signs until we get more kegs or we'll be run outta here!"  
  
"Of course," said Pippin, smiling. He had changed the road signs of the Shire and Stock back to their proper positions since Frodo and Sam were visiting Fool's Paradise. All other times the signs were switched, unless the local Shirriffs were walking by and switched them back. This way Frodo and Sam got some peace and quiet from tourists, and Merry and Pippin got more business.  
  
"Speaking of being run out, why haven't there been any visitors here?" asked Sam.  
  
"For one, the signs for Shire and Stock are at their proper place, I made sure of that before you came," said Pippin.  
  
"For another, we posted at the Prancing Pony that we were closed this weekend for renovations. Most of our customers stop there before coming here, so that's why no one has come," said Merry. "I'm going to bring up one of the good kegs. Even better! I'll get some of the rum! Be right back."  
  
Merry made his way to the cellar, only to find that the door leading downstairs was closed.  
  
"Pip, isn't this normally open?"  
  
"Sure is. Why's it closed?  
  
"Dunno. Frodo?"  
  
"Not me! Sam?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Hmm..." pondered Merry as he reached for the handle.  
  
BANG!  
  
"RUM FOR EVERYONE!" shouted Elrond as he burst open the cellar door, pinning Merry against the wall. A very faint "not again" could be heard behind it.  
  
"HEY!" Pippin, Frodo, and Sam shouted in agreement. Elrond took out three bottles from within his robes and handed them to the hobbits and the elf. The four were drinking merrily until Merry ran out of merriness.  
  
SLAM  
  
The cellar door slammed shut, revealing a very disgruntled elf. The tavern was silent. Steaks were sizzling outside. Suddenly a cracked smile appeared on Merry's face.  
  
"Lars, lars, pants on fars..." he said as he fell to the ground, still smiling. The two elves and the two drinking hobbits shrugged and went back to their rum.  
  
"Hey! Hey! I have an idea!" said Pippin.  
  
"And what would that be?" said Frodo.  
  
"Let's get Legolas drunk...while he's asleep!"  
  
"Pippin?" said Sam.  
  
"Yep?" said Pippin.  
  
"Are you drunk?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Not nearly drunk enough...more rum!"  
  
"HERE HERE!" said Pippin as he swigged the last of his rum. "Elrond! More rum! Elrond?"  
  
Elrond was passed with his head on the pub counter.  
  
"Poor bastard," said Pippin as he relived the elf of all his remaining rum.  
  
"Yeah. He can't control himself when it comes to rum can he?" said Sam.  
  
"Stupid Sam. I was referring to Legolas," said Pippin as he walked over to Legolas, propped his mouth open and began to pour the rum in his mouth.  
  
The hobbit gagged, coughed, and sputtered as the rum ran down his throat. Pippin forced more down before Legolas could begin to resist.  
  
"Just give in mate. There ya go. Pretty good shit eh?"  
  
"*HIC* CHEEREYEREYS! *HIC*" said Legolas.  
  
"Cheers!" Pippin said.  
  
"Pippin!" said Frodo, suddenly alarmed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What is THAT?" said Frodo, pointing to the window. "He's wearing...brown!"  
  
"What's wrong with that?" said Pippin as he gave Legolas another bottle of rum and not paying any attention to the window.  
  
"He's wearing short shorts!" said Sam.  
  
"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" said Pippin. Merry suddenly woke up. He saw the brown short-shorts wearing man in the window and passed out again.  
  
"Um, excuse me?" said the man, knocking on the window. "This is the UPS man. I have an order for Mr. Smith?"  
  
"Mr. Smith? There's no Mr. Sm---"  
  
"ME! THAT'S ME!" yelled Elrond as he ran to the door.  
  
"Mr. Smith?" said Frodo as he scratched his head.  
  
"I think that's his alter ego from some other world," said Sam.  
  
"Half-way there. He's an agent from the Matrix," said Pippin. His knees buckled. His old fears were coming back to him. A hand rested on his shoulder. Merry was there.  
  
"But he lives in a world based on rules. He will never be as fast as you can be. Don't fear a machine."  
  
"Right." Pippin's strength came back to him. He looked back over at Elrond, who was signing some papers.  
  
"Ok, sign here...and here...and here...there you go. A seventy-two inch wide screen television, two DVD's of choice, twenty magazines of choice, one Dell Inspiron 8100, wireless internet connection, and...three dresses?"  
  
"ROBES, THEY'RE ROBES! NOW GET OUT!"  
  
"But, but, but, but..."  
  
"No 'but's!"  
  
"But...I need...money..." said the UPS man as he backed away from the door.  
  
"GOODBYE!" yelled Elrond.  
  
Two elves and two hobbits were cackling over bottles of rum.  
  
"Do you want do have some sort of entertainment while you are starving for twenty-four hours or not?" said Elrond, staring each of them in the eye.  
  
"Yes..." said Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Good. Now, one more half-assed cracks about my robes. GOT IT?"  
  
"Yes!" said Merry and Pippin, sitting with their legs crossed like kindergarteners.  
  
"Now. I want you to set up all of this equipment. Just...read the manual and do what it says. I'll be outside...those steaks smell done."  
  
Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam looked over at the door. Several brown boxes were stacked one on top of the other.  
  
"Um...Merry?" said Pippin.  
  
"Yeah Pip?"  
  
"I have a confession."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I haven't learned all my letters yet."  
  
"Me neither"  
  
"You lied"  
  
"Yep"  
  
"How could you?"  
  
"You did too"  
  
"Oh yeah"  
  
"Looks like it's me and Frodo doing the reading here," said Sam. "You two just do everything we say."  
  
"Ok...now it says here plug the USB..."  
  
Meanwhile, outside...  
  
"Elrond! Glad you could join us!" said Aragorn as the Elvin lord came outside.  
  
"Yes, we were just discussing how well you are punking Merry, Pippin, and Legolas," said Gandalf.  
  
"So you figured it oh, eh?" said Elrond, thoroughly impressed.  
  
"Yep," said Aragorn and Gandalf. Aragorn took the steaks, now finished, off the fire.  
  
"Yes, the only thing that I will be giving to those three is some sugar water...the maroons, I can't believe that haven't figured out themselves that they are changing back as we speak. Legolas's hair is starting to straighten out and Merry and Pippin's are curling up again. But the height will be the last thing to go."  
  
"Good," said Aragorn. "Now for these steaks..."  
  
"Tell me Elrond: how do you plan on keeping those three busy for twenty- four hours?" asked Gandalf, lighting his pipe.  
  
"Ebay"  
  
"Nice"  
  
Back inside...  
  
"NO PIPPIN! I SAID PUT THE RED WIRE IN THE USB, NOT PUT IT IN THE FIRE AND TAKE A PEE!" yelled Sam. Pippin had his back turned to Sam so that it certainly looked like he had thrown the red wires in the fire and was peeing on them. He chuckled, picked up the wire that was just in front of the fire, and picked up his pants and fastened them.  
  
"Aw Sam, it was just for a laugh!" said Pippin as he expertly plugged the red wire into the proper places.  
  
"Why couldn't Elrond order a camera? Priceless. Sam's face, oh man that was great!" said Merry as he effortlessly put the DVD player on top of the television.  
  
"Why am I on the cover of this?" said Frodo. Sam, Pippin, and Merry stared at Frodo.  
  
"What?" they said, unable to say anything else as they gazed upon the DVD case.  
  
"I'm on the cover!" said Frodo, beginning to pout. "I have a stalker!" Tears leaked out of his eyes.  
  
"It's okay Frodo, I'm sure it's not what you think it is," said Sam as he tried to console his friend.  
  
"No it's not okay! Those damn tourists can't get enough can they?!" Frodo choked.  
  
"Well at least it's a good picture. At least it wasn't Sam on the cover; otherwise nobody would buy it," said Merry. Sam threw Merry a warning glance, which he certainly didn't catch.  
  
"You know, I think they should have put us on the cover! Look at us! Aren't we handsome?!" said Pippin, hugging Merry's shoulder and point at the two of them.  
  
"Erm..." said Frodo and Sam.  
  
"I can tell you're not impressed. Let me see that," said Merry as he took the DVD out of Frodo's hands.  
  
"Looks like some sort of box..." said Pippin, inspecting it.  
  
"AH!!!" yelled Frodo falling to the floor.  
  
BOOM  
  
"WHAT?" yelled Sam, Merry, and Pippin.  
  
"There.....there...there's another one!" Frodo said as he slowly picked up another DVD out of a box.  
  
"Let me see that!" said Merry, snatching the DVD out of Frodo's trembling hands. He studied the two cases closely. "Didn't we set up something called a 'DVD player'?"  
  
"Come to think of it I reckon we did. It's on top of the telefishin," said Pippin.  
  
"Television!" said Merry. "This is a DVD! We put it in the DVD player!"  
  
"And that means?" said Pippin, crossing his arms.  
  
"I have no idea. But let's see what it does."  
  
BA-BANG  
  
Frodo had passed out and in spite of Sam's efforts fell to the floor, dragging Sam to the floor, knocking both of them out cold.  
  
"Saves us some time...the DVD Merry!" said Pippin.  
  
"Oh right! Ok...the manual says press the 'power' button on the remote..." Merry pressed the power button. Nothing happened.  
  
"Nothing's happening," said Pippin, as if to state the obvious. "Wait a minute...where's Legolas?" Merry and Pippin looked around the tavern and saw no sign of them.  
  
"Looking for these?" came a voice from their knees.  
  
"EEIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Merry and Pippin screamed in spite of themselves. Legolas was at their feet, shorter than ever. His hair was not so curly anymore. He was dangling a pair of batteries between his fingers.  
  
"GIVE ME THOSE!" yelled Merry as he dove for the batteries. Legolas stepped nimbly...his elfish grace seemed to be returning, but the two elves- changing-into-hobbits didn't notice. Merry and Pippin bashed heads as they collided into each other.  
  
"Catch me if you---" Legolas didn't get a change to finish his sentence, for Merry and Pippin also were beginning to regain their hobbit reflexes, but they didn't notice. Within seconds Legolas was tied to the column again, gagged, leaving Merry and Pippin wondering what the batteries were for.  
  
"Why did you want them if you don't know what they are?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Well obviously they're important if Legos wanted to keep them away from us!" said Merry. He tore open the package of batteries and took the pair out and examined them. Pippin examined the DVD player.  
  
"Um...Merry?" said Pippin.  
  
"Shut up! I'm thinking!" snapped Merry.  
  
"But..."  
  
"I said shut up!"  
  
"B-b-b-but---"  
  
"WHAT IS IT!" snapped Merry.  
  
PING  
  
Pippin pressed a button on the DVD player, which came to life. "And then there's this one..." said Pippin as he pressed the power button to the TV.  
  
FLICK SIZZLE  
  
Merry and Pippin jumped away as the black screen illuminated with brilliant colors. The letters 'D-V-D' shown on the screen.  
  
"Wait...how did you know that you needed to press the power button to turn it on?" asked Pippin.  
  
"I can read."  
  
"No you can't!"  
  
"Yes I can."  
  
"You said you couldn't!"  
  
"I lied."  
  
"LIAR!"  
  
"You lied too...you found the power button on the DVD player."  
  
"True. This button says 'open'...maybe that's where the DVD goes?" suggested Pippin.  
  
"Yes, I think so. This one here says "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Special Extended Edition (**A/N: I'm too lazy to go downstairs and find the case that says what it actually says...but it's the extended version they will watch**)"...do you think this is about us?" said Merry.  
  
"Only one way to find out!" Pippin took the DVD case out of his hands, opened it, and put the disc in the DVD player...and a world that was so familiar to them was opened up to them before their very eyes.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! It's been weeks, months since I last posted and I'm SOOOO sorry! I've been busy...anyway, it might take a little longer for that certain character to leave than I thought. It also might be longer between postings b/c of school...stupid school ( no offence to teachers ). Anyway, hope all the rest of you are having as much fun as I am in school...later.  
  
Love and peace,  
  
Court 


	18. Slow Changes: Part II: Revelations

**well, turns out that myself and a friend (legos) came up with this GREAT idea to make fun of her sister and haze her (frosh) in a non-violent way (do those words go together?). Anyway, I'm yet again to push back the leaving of a major character...brainstorming came up and I wanna get this stuff done before I have to push over to tears. Enjoy ^_^**  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Lord Elrond of Rivendell, along with Gandalf and Aragorn, had finished talking about how completely idiotic Meriadoc, Peregrin, and Legolas were. When they walked inside, they stopped in their tracks when they found two elves and three hobbits sitting cross-legged in front of a big screen television, entranced.  
  
What made Aragorn's and Gandalf's jaws drop was seeing what was on the television.  
  
There the fellowship was, watching Gandalf struggle with the Balrong. Gandalf fell. Frodo screamed. Pippin was in Merry's arms, crying. Legolas was looking pretty much the same as always.  
  
All were entranced. All except Elrond, who was mixing sugar and water for the 'potion'.  
  
"How...how did they get this?" stuttered Pippin.  
  
"It's exactly the way I remember it. Except different people. That's not us," said Merry.  
  
"Of course it's not us...but who ARE they?" said Sam.  
  
Frodo was pouting. "The eyes...the EYES! My..his...EYES! They're so...so...BIG!"  
  
"But I bet they don't work...nobody can have eyes that blue without contacts!" said Pippin.  
  
"Pip..." said Merry as he nudged Pippin, not taking his eyes off the screen. "What are contacts?"  
  
"Oh come on! You know what they are!"  
  
"I don't think I do."  
  
"Yeah ya do!"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Dude, are you telling me you don't know what contacts are?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"See, you said yes. You know what contacts are. Good."  
  
"Wait...what? I don't know what contacts are!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf. Merry shrunk back a little in recoil and went back to watching the movie. The fellowship was now in Lothlorien (*sp?*).  
  
"Gandalf...by what means of evil magic does this movie picture come about?" whispered Aragorn.  
  
"Oh stop trying to act like that bloke in the movie who is trying to portray you. Obviously someone followed us while we were on our quest. But look at my character! Look at his nose! Do you think my nose is that big? Hmm?" said Gandalf. "And he isn't nearly high enough. I was smoking my pipe at least half the time that this movie takes place!"  
  
"I think my character is rather handsome, thank you very much! And yes, your nose is as big as your character's, if not bigger!" snapped Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf turned slowly to face the king. His scowl rivaled that of Elrond's...moderate scowls. But that's a pretty good scowl.  
  
"Would you run that by me again? I do believe I heard you wrong. Maybe there is some wax in my ears I need to clean out." Gandalf stuck his fingers in his ears and twisted them and pulled them out. His two index fingers were a nasty shade of orange. Aragorn backed away, sensing what the wizard was going to do. Gandalf chuckled. He pointed his orange fingers over in Legolas's direction. Aragorn nodded.  
  
Gandalf silently tip-toed over to Legolas. The wizard noticed that his hair was now straight at the roots. He was indeed changing back. As the wizard drew near, he could hear hobbit whispering under his breath. He was entranced as he watched his character run, jump, and shoot orcs onscreen.  
  
"Nance...nance...shoot! Yes! Okay...nance...jump...stab...shoot! I love this guy, he's perfect! Just like me!"  
  
Merry heard Legolas's comments.  
  
"That git's about as pretty as my mother's feet."  
  
"Well then I suppose your mother had lovely feet then, for this lad is beautiful! Just like me!"  
  
"My mother had corns, warts, and blisters on her feet. The hair on her feet was a foot long when uncurled."  
  
"I see you inherited those nasty traits."  
  
"Have you looked at your feet lately?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look at your feet."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Scared?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Gandalf was almost doubled over with the effort of not laughing. He couldn't stand it anymore. He reached around Legolas's head from behind the hobbit and smeared the earwax on Legolas's cheeks.  
  
"What the..." said Legolas as he reached towards his face to see what Gandalf had done. He pulled his hands away to see a thick orange substance on them. In a moment he knew.  
  
"GRRROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!"  
  
"Dude, it's just earwax," said Merry.  
  
"Just earwax? JUST EARWAX?"  
  
"SHUT UP!" everybody yelled. Legolas shrunk, much like Merry, and wiped his face off with his shirt. He didn't want to miss a moment of the movie.  
  
Finally, the movie ended. The only topic of discussion was the character interpretations of themselves.  
  
"Am I really that fat?"  
  
"Am I really that dirty?"  
  
"Am I really that stupid?"  
  
"Am I really with stupid?"  
  
"Am I really that big-nosed?"  
  
"Am I really that bug-eyed?"  
  
"Am I really dressed in dresses?" Elrond commented last. Everyone turned to look at him.  
  
"Never mind that! I have the potion ready!" he said.  
  
"Hear, hear!" said Merry, Pippin, and Legolas.  
  
"I'm ready for some revenge!"  
  
"I'm ready for my bed!"  
  
"I'm ready for...my bed too!"  
  
Without a though about their food, the three downed their 'potions' like a shot of whiskey.  
  
BANG BANG BANG  
  
They slammed their mugs on the floor, as they were sitting, one after the other.  
  
"Now," Elrond said, "the twenty-four hours begins!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"What? It's not my fault you forgot to eat!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"But...those...those steaks!" pined Pippin.  
  
"But...the whiskey!" pined Merry.  
  
"But...wait what am I complaining about? I'm not hungry!" said Legolas.  
  
"Pip...how are we gonna get through this?" Merry asked his friend.  
  
"I dunno...wait it out I guess...watch the movie again?"  
  
"Hell no! I can't bear seeing that person who was playing you on the screen! He looks to much like you and it's creepy!"  
  
"Excuse me, but it's the same as you! Only his nose is bigger!"  
  
"Bigger? Bigger? What about that Billy Boyd, eh? That accent?"  
  
"It sounds just like mine idiot!"  
  
"You're right. But he's so stupid in the movie!"  
  
"Just like me!"  
  
"HA!"  
  
"I mean...shit, you got me. But look at you in that thing. Dominic Monaghan? What kind of a name is that? And how dare they cast someone taller than Billy! I'm a good two inches taller than you!"  
  
"You're taller!"  
  
"I've always been taller than you!"  
  
"No, I mean, you did something!"  
  
"No I didn't!"  
  
"Yes you did!"  
  
"Whoa...your hair!"  
  
"What?" said Merry as he felt through it.  
  
"It's curly again!"  
  
"Yours is too!"  
  
"Dude! We're changing back!"  
  
"Dude! Legos is growing!"  
  
"Shit!"  
  
"Mua hahahahaha!"  
  
"Shut up, we're still taller!"  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Dammit. The sugar in the water must have sped up the reaction time it takes for them to change back," said Elrond.  
  
"Why....why.." said Gandalf and Aragorn. They had enjoyed the pint-sized Legolas, who was now at the hobbit's shoulders and still growing.  
  
"STOP GROWING!" yelled Merry and Pippin as they tried to stop the hobbit/elf from growing by pushing down on his skull with their shrinking hands. Sam and Frodo watched in horror as Legolas was once again taller than the rest of the hobbits. Merry and Pippin's hands slid off from his head. Then everything stopped.  
  
There stood three hobbit/elves. Merry and Pippin with their curly hair, and hairy feet, and overly large pants. Legolas with his straight hair and hairless feet and overly stretched trousers and shirt. However, something had not gone right.  
  
Limbs were all out of proportion, along with facial features. Pippin's ears were twice as big as normal, and his left arm almost touched the floor. His right foot was at least four inches longer than his left.  
  
Merry was in a similar state. His nose rivaled that of Gandalf's, and his hands were swollen like balloons. One of his legs was shorter than the other.  
  
Legolas was by far in the worse condition. His ears were almost nonexistent. His hands were incredibly small, along with his nose. It was a mere button on his face. His feet were so small that he couldn't stand up anymore. The only exception to smallness of his feet were his second and fourth toes. They were normal sized and jutted out further than all the others. It was very awkward. However, he was taller than Merry and Pippin.  
  
"What happened?" said Pippin as he inspected himself.  
  
"Oh no...you don't think...Elrond made us drink to early?"  
  
"I think I'll hang myself if I don't change back to myself...of course that will be AFTER I STRANGLE ELROND!"  
  
"Now, now, no need to be hasty! It might only be a few seconds before the process continues!" begged Elrond as Merry and Pippin's mutated bodies advanced on him.  
  
"Hell yeah we better change back!" said Pippin.  
  
"I can't walk! Drag me over there so I can pound him!" said Legolas. Merry was helping Legolas when he realized that his hands had begun to shrink.  
  
"Look! Pippin, look!"  
  
"My foot! My arm!"  
  
"What about ME!" said Legolas. Instead of growing, his limbs began to shrink again, and then stretch and swell. It was as if there was putty inside of him and it could not guess where to go next. His arms drained, and his feet swelled. Other things swelled...to the disgust of the tavern.  
  
Merry and Pippin tried to control the swelling by grabbing onto the parts that swelled, only to push the mass into another location. Even while standing, Merry and Pippin were no more than three inches taller than Legolas when he was sitting down. They were completely back to normal.  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"Okay" they said, backing off from their squeezing.  
  
"NO! I mean stop this! Stop the swelling! It's gone to my haw maws three times and they are about to kill me!"  
  
"Haw maws?" said Merry.  
  
"You don't wanna know," said Pippin.  
  
"I'm sure I don't."  
  
Merry and Pippin went back to squeezing as the tavern watched. Elrond quietly snuck out the back door. Little did anyone know that he was not to be seen at the tavern for many weeks to come.  
  
Finally, the swelling stopped. The putty beneath Legolas's skin began to distribute itself. His nose grew back to normal. Slowly everything came back into proportion.  
  
"Thank Havens!" Legolas stood up. He towered over everyone in the room, much to his delight. It was like being born again. As he rose, he saw the looks of terror on Merry and Pippin's faces as they shrunk with the ground. He stretched and waved his arms and shook his legs. Everything seemed to be in order.  
  
"Much better. As for you two..." said Legolas as he looked down at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"But...but...you said that you wouldn't do anything to us!" said Merry.  
  
"Well that was then, this is now," said Legolas as he grabbed the two hobbits by their hair.  
  
"OW OW OW OW OW OW!"  
  
"Being a hobbit is so much fun isn't it?" said Legolas.  
  
"But...you lied!" said Pippin.  
  
"You lied! Being a hobbit was easy!"  
  
"Bite my ass! Being a hobbit is and always will be harder than being an elf!"  
  
Legolas lost his temper. He dragged the two hobbits, still by the hair, over to the coat rack and proceeded to give them both atomic wedgies by hanging them from it by the seat of their pants. Fortunately, the pants were too big for them and they were able to squirm out of them. Unfortunately they fell face first to the floor. More unfortunately, they were butt naked.  
  
"So what happened to those useful tools in putting out the fire on Gandalf's cart?" said Legolas.  
  
Merry and Pippin covered themselves in embarrassment as everyone in the tavern proceeded to laugh at them. It was true. They were not nearly as big as they used to be. Merry ran upstairs to get a pair of pants, but Pippin lingered for a moment. He thought for a moment, and then he balled his hands into fists. Before Legolas could react, he had a hobbit-kick in the groin.  
  
"Still like being big?" laughed Pippin as he sprinted upstairs. He ran smack into Merry as he did so.  
  
"Steady on!" Merry said as he was flung into the wall. When he saw Legolas curled in a ball on the floor, he laughed in spite of himself. "Anyway, I think those 'DVDs' are evil. I think we should smash them."  
  
"No, don't do that," defended Gandalf.  
  
"SMASH THEM!" yelled Frodo.  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam. He pulled out a frying pan, but Frodo shied away and shut up.  
  
"Geez Legos...so what happened?" said Merry as he walked over to the elf. Legolas held up a hand showing that he didn't need any help as he got to his feet gingerly and gasping. "Pip gotcha in the haw maws didn't he?"  
  
Legolas nodded. "I don't think I deserved that."  
  
"I thought you didn't know what haw maws were?" said Sam.  
  
"It's not that hard to figure out."  
  
"What are they then?"  
  
"Oh come on Sam. Tell me you can put your noggin to a little use today?"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"COME ON!"  
  
"Tell me!"  
  
"Ok. They're something you don't have."  
  
"A tan line?"  
  
Merry rubbed his forehead with his hand. He remembered that his hair was much shorter than it was before.  
  
"You're hopeless."  
  
"I really don't think I deserved that. Cheap shot on Pippin's part," groaned Legolas.  
  
"Well that sucks. But this is for all the doors you've slammed on me."  
  
"OOPH!"  
  
THUD  
  
Merry landed on his butt as he landed from his flying kick into Legolas's...shins. The hobbit wasn't quite tall enough to reach Legolas's groin. Pippin was, as he had an extra two inches on him and an extra four inches on his vertical.  
  
Legolas gasped. "I might have deserved that...." he said as he buckled to his knees.  
  
"Yeah, I think you did," said Pippin for all to hear as he bounded down the stairs two by two, finally landing with a thud on the floor.  
  
"You look like you're back to your old self Peregrin!" said Gandalf jovially.  
  
"Yep! Being tall was a bit...unnerving," said Pippin. "It just didn't seem natural."  
  
"It wasn't just unnerving to you. I'm so used to you being so short that I could squash you like a bug. Personally I'm glad you're short again. And don't ever let Gandalf get as high as he was again. Who knows what he'll do. Probably put something in the ales that will give you a tail or something," said Aragorn as he sipped his ale. Gandalf looked very smug indeed as he cracked a smile for all to see but Aragorn.  
  
Slowly, two horns sprouted on top of his head. They were black, and rather dull, but horns nonetheless.  
  
"Hey Aragorn!" said Merry, trying to hide his laughter and failing.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Feeling a little horny?" said Pippin.  
  
"No, not really, no. I haven't seen Arwen or any women for that matter for three days...if you don't include those stupid fan girls that keep following me everywhere," said Aragorn.  
  
"You sure?" said Elrond.  
  
"Positive."  
  
"Suit yourself."  
  
Gandalf rummaged around his bag and took out a small amount of powder and put it in Aragorn's drink, much to the dismay of the hobbits, as they were rolling on the floor in silent tears.  
  
"Look at them! You would think they were dying!" said Aragorn. "What are they saying anyway?"  
  
"Sounds something like...hold on...Arahorn?"  
  
"Arahorn?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Why Arahorn?"  
  
"I wonder..." said Elrond.  
  
Aragorn took a swig of his drink and scratched his head.  
  
"WHOA!"  
  
Aragorn leapt to his feet and immediately rounded on Gandalf.  
  
"You son of a bitch! This is going to ruin my perfectly good manly looks!" he yelled as he pointed to his head.  
  
"Well you've always been ugly, filthy human. Maybe these will help?" suggested Legolas.  
  
"Shut up and go get a manicure!"  
  
Legolas was shocked. Then he pouted.  
  
"As for you..."  
  
"Oh look! Stars!" said Gandalf.  
  
"What are you talking about? I haven't hit you yet!"  
  
"No! Stars!"  
  
BANG-POOF!  
  
And with a shower of stars, Gandalf was gone, as well as Elrond.  
  
"What the hell? Where'd they go?"  
  
"Back to Rivendell I suppose," said Legolas.  
  
"Good," said Pippin as he got back on his feet. "Elrond never got a chance to go Agent Smith on me."  
  
"Mmmrrrr. Aaannddeerrssoonn..."  
  
"EEEEEEIIIIIIAAAAHHHHHHH!"  
  
"HAHAHAHA!"  
  
Merry was curled up in stitches as Pippin turned to see Elrond's imitator. Pippin laughed and tackled his friend, and the two were locked in epic battle as a knock came to the door.  
  
"Answer---ah!---the door---ow!---Frodo!" yelled Pippin over Merry's 'ah's' and 'ouch's'. Merry pinned Pippin in a head lock. Pippin sunk to the floor and took out Merry's feet. The wrestling started all over again as Frodo made his way to the door.  
  
"Wait! Mr. Frodo! Let me check the door!" said Sam.  
  
"Alright..." said Frodo as he sighed. "Let me have one of your frying pans just incase there is an assailant waiting at the door," he said monotonously and sarcastically.  
  
"Ok! Here's one!" said Sam as he pulled one out from the waist of his trousers. Frodo stared at him blankly.  
  
"You have no life."  
  
"I live for you Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"That's not right."  
  
"Um...ok?" said Sam, clearly not understanding. "Let me check the window."  
  
"You do that."  
  
Sam crept to the window and pushed aside one of the curtains.  
  
BANG  
  
THUD  
  
Sam's limp body fell to the floor as he was knocked unconscious by Frodo's blow with Sam's frying pan. Merry and Pippin stopped their wrestling. Legolas and Arah...I mean Aragorn  
  
"He did something right! Did you see that Pip! He actually did something right!"  
  
"I saw!"  
  
"Get the door Frodo!" yelled Pippin as he got Merry, unsuspecting, in a full nelson.  
  
"OWOWOWOW!"  
  
"Call uncle!"  
  
"Uncle!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"UNCLE!"  
  
"Ok," said Pippin as he let go of his hold on Merry. The door creaked as Frodo opened the door. It revealed a very gravened hobbit in the door. His hair was gray and his expression even more gray. Legolas and Aragorn sat straight up and listened to every word that followed in the next conversation.  
  
"Seredic!" said Merry as he and Pippin rushed to the door to hug their uncle. "Why the long face? You look so glumb!"  
  
"My how you've grown! Those in Buckland said I would find you here. Alas, today is a sad say indeed Meriadoc," said Seredic.  
  
"How could it be sad? My favorite uncle has come to visit!" said Merry.  
  
"What's that?" said Pippin, pointing to a rolled scroll in Uncle Seredic's hand.  
  
"That's what I'm here for," said Seredic. "A letter from your father. I'm sorry I could not get it here sooner. You were aware of your father's illness?"  
  
"What illness?" said Merry.  
  
"Did you not get the letters?"  
  
"What letters?"  
  
"Your fathers sent letters by way of messenger," said Seredic.  
  
"Wait," said Pippin. "Who did you send?"  
  
"Ilberic."  
  
"You mean that dimwit who has never even been out of Buckland?"  
  
"Yes," said Seredic. "Why does that matter?"  
  
"Did he cross where the signs at Shire and Stock meet?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"When was the last letter sent?"  
  
"About two weeks ago. Why does this matter?" said Seredic, extremely confused.  
  
"Merry..." said Pippin, tears coming to his eyes.  
  
"Pip...It's ok. It's not your fault..." said Merry as he tried to comfort his friend who had begun to cry and sink to his knees in spite of himself.  
  
"But it is my fault!" he yelled over his chokes and tears. "You didn't think it was a good idea, but I did it anyway! It got us business, but now Saradoc is dying! And you didn't know, all because I was too stupid to not listen to you!"  
  
"It's just as much as my fault as yours," piped Frodo.  
  
Merry and Pippin turned to stare at him.  
  
"Several letters came to Bag End looking for you. I told them I would bring the letters when I came to visit you. They're right here..." said Frodo as he produced four letters from his trousers. He handed them to Merry. "I should have gotten them to you sooner."  
  
Merry opened the letter with the most current date. Exactly two weeks ago.  
  
~Dear Meriadoc,  
  
Your presence is greatly requested by your father Saradoc, Master of Buckland, in his time of great need. His time is very limited and greatly wishes to speak to you before he passes away. Please do not disregard this letter. Your father's health diminishes as we speak. Make haste. Listen to what your heart truly tells you, not what the ales that are pickling your brain tell you as you grow fat with greed in your tavern. May the grace and speed of the Elves be with you.  
  
~Your mother,  
Esmeralda Took-Brandybuck  
  
**************************************************************************** ** Well that wasn't as bad as I thought. I finally got some free time to get this chapter done. Actually I have a history test tomorrow that I have done absolutely nothing for, but I just had to get this done an out of the way so that I can bring in the good stuff that I have planned. Anyway, I best get to studying before my mom chews me out.  
  
Love and peace,  
  
Court 


End file.
